How to be happy and single

[Hennypen321]

I'm really wanting to enjoy being single but I am always on the lookout for a partner.

I have had 2 previous abusive relationships, and I have done an Own My Life course, which is a group based programme similar to the freedom program.

I want to feel settled on my own with my child. It's easier to not look when I'm with my child obviously but when I'm on my own, I want to go on OLD.

I'm 40 this year. I was just seeing someone but I spotted a couple of things I wasn't comfortable with and ended it abruptly and early enough to step away easily.

Does anyone have any advice or support for me?! I think I'm just someone who likes being in relationships?!

Honestly, just do things you love. Be selfish and self-indulgent, as far as you can with a child. Congratulate yourself on anything done well - looking nice, a great meal, everything. Consider a bedtime diary, where you write down all the things, big and small, you've achieved or have appreciated each day. Nurture your friendships, and only those that enhance your life. Be curious, interested and open.

^^ That's all general life advice! The self-loving aspects matter more when you're single, I think.

Do you have a good friendship group OP because I think that’s key to being happily single.

If you have good people to spend time with then beefing a partner doesn’t seem such a priority

I think I'm just someone who likes being in relationships

Yes, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Humans are pair bonding species after all. I don't think one can put such a primal instinct or inclination when it suits, without feeling it.

The main downside of being so driven to find someone is that you might be vulnerable to staying with or putting up with unsuitable men once you do settle with someone, as the upheaval would be greater for you than someone who doesn't mind being single.

I'm sorry that you feel like this OP.

I seem to be happily single and I wish I knew how or why. I thought I was very happily married when ExH announced out of the blue last year that he was unhappy, handed me a list of my failings, and left to stay with his sister 2 days later. He never came back. I was devastated and assumed I'd be broken for a very long time.

But somehow, I gradually started to feel better and stronger and now 18 months on I am happy to be single.

My divorce is brutal, I'm facing an uncertain financial future and will need to move as soon as it's over. But despite all that I'm happy. I feel free, and I can't wait for our new start however difficult it might be.

For the first time since my early teens I have no inclination to be part of a couple and I don't want a relationship. It is a new feeling and I like it.

I have wondered if I've been so hurt that something has shifted and I'm subconsciously trying to avoid getting hurt again- but I don't feel like that TBH.

I do think maybe it has something to do with my age- I'm almost 50. I'm past having any more kids, so there's no biological clock ticking. I do hear the general ticking of time though, and I'm conscious that life seems to be going so fast. I'm determined to make the best of it, and I don't need to be part of a couple to do that.

I'm lucky to have good friends and a job I love. I think these things help. I get hugs from my mates, pets and DS occasionally. Love honey has introduced me to a new and unexpectedly fulfilling way to experience pleasure.

I wish you all the best OP. I hope you find someone who deserves you, and you make each other happy. I think in the meantime that anything you can do to make yourself happy will benefit you whilst single and also help you attract a partner- fulfilled people are attractive inside....

I used to always be in relationships. It’s comfortable but it also holds you back. Think of some of the upsides of being single:

• Your house is clean and exactly how you want it
• You can live to your own schedule, have a lie-in whenever etc, eat what you like to eat, do whatever you like on weekends
• You can spend time and money on your hobbies and interests, have experiences you couldn’t have in a couple
• You know you can stand on your own two feet and support yourself, you don’t NEED someone else - you can choose to have them but it’s a choice
• You can pursue your own life goals without having to compromise

I essentially live like a wealthy divorcee from a standard American romcom and I love it. Spa weekends, my own quirky hobbies, busy social life, getting involved in causes, enjoying fashion, looking my best ever.

I’d like to be with someone cos I’m a social creature and crave the physical intimacy but I’m really enjoying the benefits of single life in a way I never thought I would. So if I do settle on someone (keeping my options very open for now), they have to really add to my life.

I like being single, I think it helps having good friends and embracing single motherhood.

Hi.
I split up with ExH in 2017. He got in a new relationship quickly but kept messaging me all the time. His new GF was 38 week pregnant when I found out! This was 18 months after splitting up and him telling me everyday he wanted to get back together. This was very hard for me.

Now, I love my life on my own. I did have a 3yr relationship with someone on and off.

I got a rescue horse and she kept me going and still does. I have a 9yr DD and 17 and 21yr old DDs (from previous relationship)

One of my friends is desperate for a relationship which makes me think I should but i love not having to worry about anyone else.
After being in relationships since I was 17 I am enjoying it. I do get lonely at times but quickly get out of it. I also know I dont want to be introducing a BF to my DC at the moment.

I split with my Ex in 2016. I had a 6 month thing fairly quickly afterwards then a 2 year on/off relationship which I now realised was a huge rebound and because I felt I ‘should’ meet someone.

Ive been single since 2020 and im very comfortable with my life. I have good friends and do different things with different mates. I go out with at least one friend most weeks for food and probably have a night out every other weekend. I go on holiday 2/3 times a year and also 3/4 weekends away. I actually got up the point when I didn’t actually have the time to consider a partner because I had too much else going on. I also have a young adult son who I see several times a week but he’s of an age where he does his ie bring - though I’m still sometimes on standby as mums taxi service!

Im at stage now where I’m really happy with my life doing what I choose. If I did meet someone I think it would gave to be a pretty laid back relationship where we both had our own lives and fitted in when we could. I have no desire to ever cohabite again!

Hello OP. First of all, congratulations on spotting a vibe you weren’t comfortable with and stepping away from it. It takes courage and insight to do that. My advice for you would be - invest in your own emotional wellbeing by putting some time and energy into understanding yourself, what drives you and what your insecurities / weak spots are. That will help you understand where this desire to be coupled up comes from - and better understand what you’re looking for in a partner. Therapy/counselling is a really good way to do this but obviously it’s unaffordable for many. There is a book I think is worth months of counselling - bargain! It’s called How To DoThe Work by Nicole LePera. She’s written a couple of others since then, including How To Be The Love You Seek which you may find specifically addresses your situation. I promise I don’t work for her or anything! I’m just so impressed by her books, I’ve found them really helpful.

@ClementineChurchill great advice!

May I ask wrt the book that you recommended- is it aimed at people whose goal is to be in a relationship. I'm not in that place at the moment (as in my post below), so I'm not sure whether it would be a heloful read for me?

No, absolutely not. It’s useful for everyone, whether in a relationship, seeking a relationship or contentedly single. Plenty of takeaways for all!