How do I disempower my STBEXH?

[RedLeicesterRedLeicester]

He moved out 3 weeks ago after a lengthy stay together after separating in September.

We have kids 2 & 5. I have been trying to work around his schedule for him to see them - he is stressed beyond belief with work and the move.

He drove this separation. I wanted to make it work for the kids but he was so angry, verbally aggressive, to the point of scaring children on a daily basis that I called it. Now he is doing the same when he pops round, like for breakfast today. I want to accommodate this so the kids can see him and because I do care about him, but the same thing happened today.

I’ve felt so much more optimistic and clawing back some sense of life but this morning has turned me into a wreck again. After his outbursts it sets me back so much that all day I’ve been crying and not there for my kids properly.

Sorry.. to the point…
I need to stop letting myself feel like this. I can’t let his moods dictate my life anymore. How do I get past it?

You stop him coming to your home and insist on a proper contact schedule.

He has no right to abuse you and neither does anyone for that matter.

If you must let him in then you should leave the house while he is there.

No more popping around EVER protect your DC.

Tell this bell end that he's not coming around or taking your children out until he sorts his shitty temper. And when he does that, he sees his children in his own space away from you. Cut ties, set up written agreements about contact and let him have at it. The further you get away from this asshat, the happier you'll be. Simple.

It's not your job anymore to entertain him or have him in your house. It's not helping your DC's seeing their fathers anger at breakfastime. The less you see of him, the easier it will be to get over him, so you stop caring about his needs. Focus on yours and your DC's needs, there's nothing to be gained from facilitating his visits.
It's up to him to take them out and entertain them. It's your home now, not his. Are you aiming to sell or buy him out, or do you rent ?

but he was so angry, verbally aggressive, to the point of scaring children on a daily basis
If he's scaring the children then you stop any contact between them. If he really wants to see his children he can pay to go to court for a proper contact schedule. This would be your time to explain the children have been scared of him so you want his contact supervised, whether at a centre or someone who is designated. It might not happen but you need to ask.

Don't let him past your front door anymore. Stop letting him abuse and frighten the children. By doing that you will also be protecting yourself.