Overruled by OH

[Oldmouse]

I'm really fed up with my husband overruling me, especially with our children and money.

I'll ask my DD 11 to feed her pets, take clothes upstairs or something equally straight forward and he'll say 'do it later/I'll do it for you' or will question why I've asked her to do it when she's playing a video game or on her phone. Lots of other similar occurrences, so much so my daughter asked why she doesn't have jobs to do around the house like her friends! Well it's because he won't let her.

An example with my DS 4, he was drawing on his hand with a felt tip and refused to stop...I raised my voice at him for not listening. OH flew off the handle and took him out of the house. Something similar happens most days....not me raising my voice but if I feel frustrated at (not directly at DS) a typical 4 year old my husband makes me feel like a rubbish mum and there's something wrong with me.

I'll make dinner....kids won't eat it sometimes and he'll go 'that's fine I'll make you something else'. The food I make will go in the bin and he'll cook another dinner for them. Is that normal?!

He's controlling about money and questions the amount I spend of the food shopping, claims I never buy anything useful. I have credit card dept left over from a business I closed and he holds this over me...I feel totally trapped by it.

Financially, I earned more than him for years and it was never an issue for me, now he earns more than me after and it feels like he controls things. We both have the same amount of disposable each month that we also buy food from but he always seems to have so much more than me, he has a pot of money his dad gave him in an account his dad gave him so I suspect he's using that. I put the deposit down on our house using my own money but I never mention this, I know if it was the other way round he'd bring it up all the time.

I'm so fed up. He can be lovely a lot of the time but I do feel like I'm on eggshells. I'm sure my DD is starting to pick up in his actions too, she's always been very socially aware.

Sex life has always been terrible for various reasons, this gives me anxiety EVERY TIME I go to bed.

I day dream about separating and living without him but I don't like the thought of him not seeing the children every day.

I suppose I'm sounding off here without a specific question to ask!

This isn’t normal behaviour OP and it’s now undermining your relationship with your children.
I think you need to think if this marriage is worth saving

You don't like the thought of him not seeing the children every day?

I think that would be a good thing, tbh. At the moment, he is training them to think that Dad wears the trousers and lets them do what they like, and Mum is the drudge around the house who can safely be ignored.

I agree, my DH would never do this. He sounds controlling, having anxiety going to bed is something no one should have to put up with.

No it's not normal at all.

My ex husband starting doing shit like this. Taking every possible opportunity he could just to be spiteful and to slyly turn the kids. I wish I hadn't put up with it as long as I did.

This is not normal OP. If there is a disagreement about parenting styles, this ought to be discussed away from the children and addressed accordingly because undermining one parent in front of another is just teaching your children that they can play you off against one another and doesn’t present a united front.

Honestly, if the sex is bad, he undermines you, guilt trips you about money worries despite you paying for the deposit on the house and wastes food cooking second dinners for the kids whilst blaming you for wasting money on food — why are you with him? I get you don’t want him not to see the kids but you can arrange contact so he gets his fair share and you can still leave him and be happy elsewhere.

By the time you’re daydreaming about your relationship ending, it’s done and your courage
needs to to catch up

This was the part that stood out to me!
Your children will definitely be better seeing less of him, so will you.
Seriously, his relationship with your DC should not be your reason for staying.

Thank you for all of your comments. Separating feels like a mountain to climb but I suppose it's never the easy option in the short term.

I don't feel like me anymore

I would say time's up on this one. What a nasty piece of work he is. He was happy to take when you earned more but utterly selfish and controlling now. He's undermining you with your daughter, too.