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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel as though I did something wrong

25 replies

ByBrightEagle · 15/08/2024 19:38

I've been befriending an elderly male neighbour whose wife died about 6 months ago. I only recently heard his wife had died. We've never had much contact in the past. I have taken him a cake on one visit and a pie this afternoon, talked with him in my garden and house. Have been over to his house twice. Went today and had what I thought was a long friendly chat. I'm not very good at forming friendships and find conversations difficult but was trying to be kind and friendly by reaching out in this way. I'm 62 and married, he must be in his 70s so I suppose he sees me as younger totty.
At the conclusion of the visit this afternoon at the door as I was leaving he reached out and hugged me. I wasn't hugely comfortable with this but went with it as he must be feeling lonely and lost. After a little I tried to pull away but he hung on, then began stroking my back. Then I ended the hug but he bent in close and kissed me twice full on the lips, which I was not happy about. I left quickly after that.

I can't stop thinking about it. I feel a line was crossed and it's ruined any friendship that was there. I also feel perhaps I did something wrong - been over friendly, sent wrong signals etc which I most certainly did not intend to do. I just tried to be kind and compassionate.

In my mind he's gone from being a kindly, lonely neighbour to a disgusting old letch (with rubbery lips🤢). I certainly don't want to continue seeing him.
Why do old men have no control over themselves? My grandfather went the same way, but that was 50 years ago!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 15/08/2024 19:39

Ugh. I wouldn't go back to see him.

TurkishDartboard · 15/08/2024 19:44

You did nothing wrong. Don’t go and see him ever again.

MounjaroUser · 15/08/2024 19:55

This is a word-for-word repeat of a recent thread, isn't it?

TheShellBeach · 15/08/2024 20:38

MounjaroUser · 15/08/2024 19:55

This is a word-for-word repeat of a recent thread, isn't it?

Ah.
Interesting.

BirthdayRainbow · 15/08/2024 20:46

I'm sorry to hear that. When I was 50 I would sometimes walk around the field with a man who was late 70's if we were both there with our dogs. He was a widower and I enjoyed seeing the dogs together. One day I was out with my family and he kept texting me. I didn't want to be rude so replied. Next time we were in the field he hugged me. I was shocked and hugged him back but then he asked me if he could hold my hand. I said just for a minute as my husband wouldn't like it and people gossip. Immediately I thought wtf and let go as soon as I could. I later found out he'd told his mate that my marriage was in trouble and he was going to get with me. Nearly three fucking years later someone else told me this and I was so pissed off. She had the bloody cheek to say don't get annoyed with me it's old news and I said it's not old news to me. He called me a rude bitch because I wouldn't say hello to him and he got the full force of my words. I've brought up my DD to never ever worry about being rude.

@ByBrightEagle obviously don't ever speak to this creep again.

ByBrightEagle · 15/08/2024 21:07

Thank you all for your words. It's not a repeat thread for me, it's the first time I've posted on mum's net. I usually work out my own problems but I feel very confused and disappointed by what this man did. I thought he was a gentleman, and beyond this sort of behaviour. I thought we were getting on well. But I don't feel I can trust him anymore. I certainly won't go into his home ever again. If he can't control himself with cuddles and kisses how long would it be before he whipped out his wanger and expected me to deal with that?

OP posts:
strawberrybarley · 15/08/2024 22:04

@MounjaroUser I thought the same! Almost identical to the other one a few weeks back Confused

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2024 22:07

If this is genuine, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, you need to tell your husband, and the friendship is over. You need to tell him clearly that what he did was totally inappropriate.

ByBrightEagle · 15/08/2024 22:46

@MounjaroUser I can assure it's my genuine thread tonight. Perhaps you can link me to the similar posting so I can read the comments on that, as I'm still feeling upset and dismayed. The sad thing is that if this other post is also genuine it is a recurring theme that too many men take advantage of kindness.

OP posts:
ByBrightEagle · 15/08/2024 22:58

Aquamarine1029
Yes I will tell the guy how inappropriate his behaviour was if I get the opportunity. I do not intend to be alone with him again. I keep thinking of ways his behaviour could be excusable, but the plain fact is he took advantage of me without encouragement or permission, so it cannot be excused can it?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2024 23:09

ByBrightEagle · 15/08/2024 22:58

Aquamarine1029
Yes I will tell the guy how inappropriate his behaviour was if I get the opportunity. I do not intend to be alone with him again. I keep thinking of ways his behaviour could be excusable, but the plain fact is he took advantage of me without encouragement or permission, so it cannot be excused can it?

It absolutely cannot be excused. This can be considered an assault. There should be no coming back from this, and as I said before, you need to tell your husband what happened right away.

DatingDinosaur · 16/08/2024 07:03

He's got the wrong impression of you befriending him and inviting him for chats and whatnot and seen it as you 'chatting him up'.

He was still bang out of order with what he did. A hug maybe, but to cling on then go for a snog, yeah, he's really got the wrong end of the stick and not read the situation correctly at all.

If you feel able, let him know there's been misunderstanding and he crossed a line.

Lurkingandlearning · 16/08/2024 08:29

This has happened to me too. When I told friends about it, the one who worked in social care told me it happens a lot and that I should be more understanding. I explained he had no signs of ill health. She didn’t mean that, just that he was lonely and missed “that kind of thing “.

Funny thing was, when I said “Oh goody, once I’m that age I get to force myself on young men” she was appalled.

I was being sarcastic but it does seem that when men reach a certain age assault is excused when actually, their age should make them know better

GreyCarpet · 16/08/2024 09:30

The friendship would be over for me. Some men, regardless of age, see women as available to them. The fact you're married is irrelevant to him. And it wasn't anything you did.

An example for you. I went to university in my mid twenties as a single mum. So I wasn't really interested in hanging out with the 18 year olds who'd just left home for the first time. I became good friends with another mature student and, by the second year, we would go for a beer once a week with a couple of the older male lecturers (50s). One of them would quite often walk me back to the train station at the end of the evening. A gentleman...

Anyway, the last time it happened, we hugged and a peck on the cheek goodbye as was standard and then he kissed me full on on the lips. 2 years we'd been going for this beer for by that point!

I didn't go for a drink with him again.

ByBrightEagle · 16/08/2024 11:40

Lurkingandlearning
What appalling double standards your friend has! Why should we women 'prostitute' ourselves out as an object to assuage men's loss of "that kind of thing"?
Men need to learn to control their urges. I liked your reply to her!

OP posts:
PaininthePreferbial · 16/08/2024 11:50

I don't think he got the wrong impression, I think he took advantage of you @ByBrightEagle . He is an opportunist. Isn't it funny how they can control or don't even have any urges when it suits them. His actions were deliberate.

ByBrightEagle · 17/08/2024 16:37

For anyone still checking this thread I have an update! Creepy dude came round to my place again about an hour ago when I was in the garden. He had the excuse of returning my pie dish, but I got the feeling he was after a bit more 'sugar' if he could get it. After a brief conversation about how good my pie was, I told him I needed to say something and told him what he had done the day before was out of line and had left me feeling very uncomfortable. He accepted what I said, but began to tell me all about how his mother hadn't brought him up to be very sociably aware blah blah blah. I said he hadn't given me any choice in the situation and had just grabbed at me, so our friendship was at an end and I didn't want him to call round anymore. He said it's the end of a beautiful friendship. He still tried to engage me in more conversation by asking about my hip, that we had been discussing previously. I said I don't want to talk about anything else of a personal nature, and wished him well, turned round and walked away.

So that's the end of that. IF he comes sniffing round again I will set my husband on him!

Ladies- thanks for support and kindly words.

OP posts:
Vickyspeaking654 · 17/08/2024 16:40

ByBrightEagle · 17/08/2024 16:37

For anyone still checking this thread I have an update! Creepy dude came round to my place again about an hour ago when I was in the garden. He had the excuse of returning my pie dish, but I got the feeling he was after a bit more 'sugar' if he could get it. After a brief conversation about how good my pie was, I told him I needed to say something and told him what he had done the day before was out of line and had left me feeling very uncomfortable. He accepted what I said, but began to tell me all about how his mother hadn't brought him up to be very sociably aware blah blah blah. I said he hadn't given me any choice in the situation and had just grabbed at me, so our friendship was at an end and I didn't want him to call round anymore. He said it's the end of a beautiful friendship. He still tried to engage me in more conversation by asking about my hip, that we had been discussing previously. I said I don't want to talk about anything else of a personal nature, and wished him well, turned round and walked away.

So that's the end of that. IF he comes sniffing round again I will set my husband on him!

Ladies- thanks for support and kindly words.

You handled this really well op 👏👏👏

ByBrightEagle · 17/08/2024 16:56

Vickyspeaking654
Thank you

OP posts:
PaininthePreferbial · 17/08/2024 16:57

I agree, well done @ByBrightEagle . Quelle surprise, it's his mother's fault. Was it an aubergine pie by any chance 😉

BobbyBiscuits · 17/08/2024 17:01

That is totally out of order. Once you were uncomfortable with his attempt at the hug he should have immediately pulled back and apologised. Not taken it further. It's sexual assault.
Definitely don't go there again. If he asks you why, tell him the truth. That kissing and touching people against their consent is illegal and you will not be seeing him any more.
If he was younger I'd tell the police. To be honest I don't know why I'm being more lenient as he's elderly. He deserves to know what he's done is unacceptable.

GreyCarpet · 17/08/2024 17:11

ByBrightEagle · 17/08/2024 16:37

For anyone still checking this thread I have an update! Creepy dude came round to my place again about an hour ago when I was in the garden. He had the excuse of returning my pie dish, but I got the feeling he was after a bit more 'sugar' if he could get it. After a brief conversation about how good my pie was, I told him I needed to say something and told him what he had done the day before was out of line and had left me feeling very uncomfortable. He accepted what I said, but began to tell me all about how his mother hadn't brought him up to be very sociably aware blah blah blah. I said he hadn't given me any choice in the situation and had just grabbed at me, so our friendship was at an end and I didn't want him to call round anymore. He said it's the end of a beautiful friendship. He still tried to engage me in more conversation by asking about my hip, that we had been discussing previously. I said I don't want to talk about anything else of a personal nature, and wished him well, turned round and walked away.

So that's the end of that. IF he comes sniffing round again I will set my husband on him!

Ladies- thanks for support and kindly words.

Ha! Go you! Perfectly handled 👏

ByBrightEagle · 17/08/2024 18:44

He's probably gone home and had a cry, particularly as he's only 6 months into a bereavement, but he needs to learn a lesson about treatment of women even if it is late in his life. I'm fed up of people taking advantage, especially when I tried to be so kind.

I'm not really a hard ass! 😊

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 17/08/2024 18:58

I'm not really a hard ass!

No, but you are pretty bad ass 😉

The only way men are going to learn is if women stand up to them rather than feeling like they must have done something wrong to deserve it and make excuses for them.

ByBrightEagle · 17/08/2024 19:20

GreyCarpet
Hey! Thanks for making me laugh about this! I can live with being a bad ass! 😄 Now I can put it behind me.

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