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Is my Husband Gay/BV or straight?

14 replies

mjv34 · 15/08/2024 19:10

I've been married for 26 years and I have 4 children. I recently discovered my husband has an only fans account and has been watching and paying for gay porn for the last 2 years. I became suspicious when he would always have his old cell phone charging. This phone does not have a land line, but is connected to the WIFI. So one day when he went to work, i went looking for the other cell phone. At first I could not find it. Red Flag!.... I said to myself, Why would he hide it, if there is nothing to hide.
Next day I went searching hard for it. Boom! I found it. My heart was pounding, i knew that there was going to be something that i wasn't happy with. I open up the phone.... I went to his browser and there was the only fans account. He didn't close it and I was able to see all the gay porn video content he was purchasing. I went to transaction history on the only fans account and I saw when he opened the account and all his purchases, totaling about $700.00. I couldn't believe it. I cried so hard. I was shaking. I didn't want to get to emotional. I didn't want my kids to notice anything was wrong. Then I start thinking.... omg is my husband gay, did he marry because he is ashamed of coming out and afraid his family would not accept it. Then I start thinking about our sex life. Our sex life hasn't been the greatest since the kids. There were months we haven't had sex. I felt neglected. Stupid me. So while I was on his other phone, I said to myself, let me check his Instagram account. I went to his following and I saw he was following gay men. Another stab in my heart. Then I went to his Instagram messages and ..... i couldn't believe what I found. There was a DM message to a male massage therapist, who not only gives massages, but happy endings as well! OMG I was soooo shocked, hurt, betrayed. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I still have the chat imprinted in my head and I cant stop thinking about it. My husband asked the guy what kind of Happy Ending and he replied FUCK and BLOW . I cant believe he would do this to me and ruin our beautiful family. In the chat between my husband and guy it ended where the so called massage therapist didn't take my husbands form of payment which was cash. The massage guy said he didn't take cash.
After seeing this, i lost it! This motherf***! All these years 26 years! I was a wonderful mother, wife and daughter-in-law. I gave him my ALL. How can he do this to me. I called him screaming, telling him what I found and he came home from work crying saying that he never went for the massage guy and would have never gone, that he was to scared. And he was stupid for it. I then also told him i know about the only fans account and he was like its just porn and made it like its no bid deal. Since then , He deleted everything and regrets what he did. He said he was bored and the porn took him into this dark place. He feels terrible for hurting me and is mad at himself. When I asked him if he is gay or bi, he says he is not gay and that he is straight. He was just curious. After his discovery our sex life has been amazing. He is trying to make it up to me. But I still have it in my head. Im trying to move forward. Its just hard. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist for help. I feel like Im always going to have the question in my head.. is he gay or bi. What do you think?

OP posts:
Mountainclimber50 · 15/08/2024 19:15

I couldn’t live with this level of deceit.

Once the trust has been broken the relationship is doomed imo.

That is me though. We are all different and have different boundaries.

Shiningout · 15/08/2024 19:24

Doesn't really matter if he's gay or bi he's a cheat and a liar.

BananaLambo · 15/08/2024 19:28

It doesn’t matter whether he’s gay, straight, bi, or any of the other 600 sexualities doing the rounds these days. The issue is that he’s cheating on you. Of course he is. He has a hidden phone, he knows the lingo, he is trying to procure a sex worker, he has accounts dedicated to following and interacting with other men. Take another look around your house for other paraphernalia- condoms, lube, etc. Does he go to conferences? Events? Does he encourage you to go on trips with the kids to see family and friends so he has the house to himself?

I’ve been in your shoes. Tears are only a mechanism to release emotions. They don’t change reality.

mjv34 · 15/08/2024 19:40

No, there is no other paraphernalia- condoms, lube, etc.. and No, he doesn't go to conferences and events and he doesn't encourage me to go on trips with the kids or friends. Besides work he is always home. When he is at work he calls me through out the day. I don't know... I wish this was bad dream. Im so confused. Just knowing he was interested in going to a sex worker kills me. I would have never thought he would even think about it.

OP posts:
Lorelaigilmore88 · 15/08/2024 19:46

If it reached the point where he was trying to pay the massage guy for services, he was actively trying to cheat. And with a man so yes he's gay or bi. Personally i couldn't forgive this, i couldn't even sleep with him again, but you say you have so you obviously feel you can forgive him

mjv34 · 15/08/2024 19:58

I don't want my kids to suffer and be hurt by this. They love their dad. Besides not having a great sex life before this, I felt like we had a good relationship. He doesn't go out with friends unless we are together. We are always together. Its sad. Im not sure what the future will hold for us.

OP posts:
LaraThot · 15/08/2024 20:01

Probably Bisexual.

PashaMinaMio · 15/08/2024 22:59

I am so sorry you are going through this . You must be in so much mental anguish.

Go get a STI test. If he’s been putting his genitalia where it’s best not to, goodness only knows what bacteria he’s shared with you.

I hope you can find the strength and wherewithal to leave him. You’ve clearly been a loyal wife and deserve better,

Copperoliverbear · 15/08/2024 23:11

I'd pack his bags and he'd be out. X

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 15/08/2024 23:23

Bisexual. Interested in men and women but men will be more of a novelty in his life right now.

Sinderalla · 15/08/2024 23:27

He offered money for a "FUCK & BLOW" from a man.
I'd say that's not the first time.

friendlycat · 15/08/2024 23:29

The thing is you have seen what you’ve seen and you have read what you’ve read. You can’t undo those things.

He can try and minimise in your head what you’ve seen but you know.

Only you can make decisions based upon the facts and knowledge you now have. But don’t be blind to what you have learned.

Thiswayforward · 15/08/2024 23:40

He came home crying and now sex has been amazing. Is he acting out of guilt? Could you go for therapy together? He needs to start talking. But if I found what you had I would think he is gay or curious. I don’t think him being sorry would be enough. I wouldn’t want anyone you or him to be living a lie, if I was in your situation.

LilacRaven · 16/08/2024 07:25

He planned to cheat on you with a sex worker.....there would be no coming back from this for me.

Also remember this is what you've found that he hid in one snapshot instance of a long relationship. You'll never know how much more there is.

Sorry you are having to deal with your whole world crashing because of his selfishness.

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