Current state of my marriage

[Decoratingdilema]

I've been married to DH for 11 years. We have 5 year old twins. We had a torrid time getting pregnant, 5 rounds of IVF

Ever since I got pregnant (my first ever pregnancy was with the twins) my DH lost all interest in me in an intimate way.

We have probably had sex around 5-8 times since the twins were born. DH just say's he is tired, I don't initiate it either.

So my question is this, DH & I get on perfectly fine, we laugh and joke, we're on the same page with the kids but they're hard work as you can imagine. We have built a lovely forever home. I have put my heart & soul into the house, we have done so much to it now I can never imagine leaving.

Is this enough?

It does make me sad that we aren't intimate anymore, I have tried to bring it up in conversation many times but I've given up as it just makes me feel like I'm desperate and needy (on the are occasion that we go out without the children and have a drink then this does sometimes lead to being intimate, but that doesn't happen too often)

I have absolutely no desire to do any of this on my own, I'm certainly not desperately unhappy but look at my brothers relationship and can see that him & my SIL are still very clearly in love after 20 years of marriage.

There is absolutely no danger of an affair, DH works from home apart from 1 day every 2 weeks when he goes into the office. The only other time he goes out is to walk the dog, go for a run or to the gym. He doesn't have any friends that he see's although he is friendly with people at the running club.

It's not the life that I thought I would have. Like I say I'm not unhappy but I'm wondering if this is typical of some other peoples relationships and they are quite happy with it?

I think you’re too young to have this little sex. Is this how you want it to be for the rest of your life?

You say when you try and discuss the lack of sex you give up because you feel you are being desperate and needy. Why does the discussion make you feel like that ? Is it because of the way your DH reacts when you bring the subject up ?
You are entitled to have sexual needs in a relationship and the normal thing to do in a relationship is to discuss things when one or both of the partners in the relationship aren't happy with the situation.

Incidentally you bring up your view point that your DH can't be having an affair. Is this something that has crossed your mind? He may work from home but the schedule of his life you describe gives him plenty of opportunities so I don't see how you have categorically ruled this out.

As pp said you shouldn't have to resign yourself to a non existent sex life. You really need to discuss things with your DH.

An affair isn’t what you’re in danger of. Don’t put all your eggs in that basket. I mean this kindly.

It’s the chasm that stretches and deepens (alongside time) that you might one day find yourself looking up from, wondering “how the hell did I end up here, scraping the barrel for his affection? And how did I let the best years of my life slide away with his emotional neglect? And I don’t recall agreeing to a life of no sex. A bout of ‘early years’ fatigue became our unending dry spell. The bedroom became our tomb. And now I resent him for shelving us.’

This was me. Now I’m in my 50s. I’m celibate. That’s absolutely fine. Now. Plus I have no choice. I’m divorced and single. But I was slowly, methodically pushed into an unwanted life of celibacy 11 years ago by my ex husband’s fucking freight train of excuses. My fatigue, the hectic nature of raising a family, made the break from sex less noticeable. Those breaks felt occasional. They weren’t occasional. I couldn’t see that this infrequent sex was, in fact, a totally sexless marriage. And crucially, without my consent. And it was all shaped by his rejection of me. What an awful feeling it was trying to hide how awful I felt about myself all of the time.

The unspoken dead bedroom creates the loudest disturbance in a relationship and in ourselves.

You have not agreed to a sexless marriage. Yet he’s enforcing his wishes upon you, without discussion. This is a big deal. That is the crux of the matter.

I mention the affair because I've been on mumsnet for a long time and anticipate that this may be one of the first questions asked if I didn't make it clear that this wasn't the case.

I feel desperate & needy because he never discusses us. I bring it up, we have a conversation, which turns into him saying that he's just so tired, the twins are exhausting, work is manic. The usual stuff. A few months would go by with no progress and then I'd bring it up again - the same answers, so now I just don't mention it.

Oh OP. 😢 That’s exactly how my path went. You just go silent because it becomes the subject nobody can broach. It’s easy to think he may feel shame or guilt or whatever. But if he really loved and valued you, he’d fight for the survival of your marriage. It’s not at all too late. But he needs to make an effort instead of expecting you to accept his shelving of your sex life. It’s wholly unfair on his part.

That is very selfish and cruel of your DH to make the issue all about how hard life is for him.
I really think you need to talk to him again and tell him exactly how this issue is affecting you. Think about practical suggestions you can make to counter his reasons eg. Is it possible for you to arrange a weekend away just the 2 of you without the children so you can relax and unwind and rekindle some of the intimacy.

Well I’m 45 and DH is 49

I just don’t know. I wouldn’t be able to stay in this house and that’s not something I’m prepared to lose at the moment.

we get on well, but increasingly it’s as friends rather than anything else.

It’s hard. Your children are young. Divorce is so damn draining and downsizing from the family home is a stark reality. I’m only mentioning this because it sounds like you’ve given it a little bit of thought.

You have time to sit with this and think about what you need and want. There’s no rush. You could return to work, if you’re a SAHM, or increase career prospects to give you more earning potential which will help you down the road if you do decide to divorce. I didn’t do this. I wish I had.

Maybe use this time to increase your earning power (for the future). And meanwhile, your intimate relationship may recover and you may find happiness with your DH again… or you may be more ready to move on if things don’t improve. Time is the ally that will help you find a solution.

I too was in my early 40s when it really hit me that ‘this is it’. And things weren’t going to change. At 52 now, and single, I’m really fine with celibacy because it’s on my terms. It’s no longer imposed upon me or coming from a place of rejection. I realise that more than missing sex, I hated surreptitiously being diminished by my own husband.

I’m now in a space that’s so peaceful. I’ve not known such peace in decades. I don’t want a relationship personally. But I sure feel sad about all the great sex I could have been having with someone who really valued not just me but us! That’s my one lament. But at least I’m not stuck In imposed celibacy, waiting in vain for a love that was never going to return.

John Gottman has written books on relationships. They are based on his observations of many, many relationships over decades. Personally I think they are the best relationship books.

The book 7 principles of making marriage work and 8 dates are worth reading first. You could read independently or read aloud to one another. Then do all the tasks together. It’s about improving your connection and I believe they do work. However you both need to want to make it work and you need to go in with an open mind and belief that you want your marriage to be the best it can possibly be.

I would work on connection first. Call out behaviour that isn’t helpful to your marriage. You will find out pretty quickly if he wants to make your marriage better.

Never ever discount an affair. Access to tinder is in his hand. Affairs happen via Facebook/Instagram and even on work email. I could chose to cheat right now if I wanted to, it’s only me that keeps me faithful. I think knowing I am totally capable of cheating has made me evaluate why I choose not to cheat. But never think a person doesn’t have time - they have plenty of time if they are that way inclined.

It’s way too early to not have sex! And it seems you don’t want to be celebate either.
is there any physical contact like hugs and kisses? I was going to suggest date nights with a baby sitter but I think it’s really unfair you have to put all the effort in!

Without being crude, in the morning so you notice if he wakes up hard … I’m only asking this as maybe be has Ed ?