Spark is fading

[Steve788]

It’s great talking to people on here but it’s starting to make me realise how much I am missing from my relationship with my wife.
I get that the honeymoon period is over but I miss her flirting, making an effort and even the nice underwear on occasions. She’s a great mum and wife but I feel like the spark is slowly fading unfortunately.
Even when I try and plan a nice night she will put obstacles in the way and I almost feel like we are still together because of the kids.

Congratulations

Your relationship is normal.

Just stick with it, and remember that "love" is an act of will, not a passive feeling.

Right now she's not interested in the sorts of outings you are suggesting. What is it that she would like? Do you even know?

Thanks,
It’s the first time I’ve been in love and I love her loads and wouldn’t want to split up, she’s been in quite a few long term relationships and says she’s been in love with quite a few people. When we’ve argued in the past she’s said she doesn’t fancy me anymore and she doesn’t love me and then the next day she will won’t say sorry but she just says it wasn’t true and she said it in the heat of the moment.

she never wants to do anything just watch her programmes on tv in silence or play on her phone. I guess that’s just her way of relaxing.
It’s not like I want to do stuff all the time as we have busy lives like most people with children.

I'm not sure if she is a great wife Op. She tells you that she doesn't love you. Do you believe her?

I honestly don’t know, some days I think she does then others I feel like she just looks straight through me. She just says that she can be spiteful but doesn’t mean it. She’s had a troubled past with abusive ex’s etc so I don’t know if it’s a knock on effect of that.

What are you doing to keep the spark alive? She's said a few things on anger. Why would she say she doesn't fancy you or love you anymore? I think that resentment can erode a relationship does she resent you?

I’ll try and suggest nights away, going out for a meal or even cooking a nice dinner for us once the kids are in bed. She always said the sex is the best she’s ever had but it’s very one sided. sometimes she laughed and been like omg it looks so small (it’s average size). She’s a few years older and has struggled to lose weight and even when I’ve gone through phases of working out she’s stopped talking to me for a week because I’ve lost weight and she will then start making larger dinners so I put it back on or buying loads of treats etc.
Part of me thinks it isn’t a me problem because even when her friends ask her to go out she will moan to me that she doesn’t want to go etc.
Reading this back it sounds bad but she can be nice

Jesus, she's toxic, abusive exes or no abusive exes. It's the first time you've been in love so you have no comparison but I can tell you this: - if she stops talking to you for a week, tells you she doesn't fancy you and laughs at your willy, she is not a keeper.

She doesn't love you. End the relationship and rebuild your self confidence.

The difficulty that I have is that I feel that I need to be at home because of the kids. I’ve often wondered if I was a rebound that ended up in marriage.

She's horrible. I don't know how you stand it, I would be miserable.

You can still be a dad to the kids without being a husband to you. For whatever reason she doesn't like you. It's your job to demonstrate good relationships to your kids. You (both) are teaching the kids what a good relationship looks like. This absolutely isny one.

I suppose it’s just a hard situation to accept and even once having sex become less and less often and she told me in the past when she’s gone off exes she would make up excuses and now I’m getting the same excuses and when I’ve mentioned it she said it’s just in my head and I’m over thinking it. Now i look at that with everything else it doesn’t look great

Sorry you’re in this position, @Steve788 I agree with @VoodooQualities - the way she talks to you is vile. I’m wondering whether she is the abuser. She sounds deeply fucked up and toxic.

I hate to say it but it sounds like she used you as a sperm donor.

One of her exes was definitely the abusive one, I only know this as one of the children I’m a step parent too and the dad is still abusive towards her and the son. Her past is messed up but when we first met she didn’t have any of these traits and it’s only since we got married things have changed. In the last year or so she’s started doing a few things that I find quite vulgar that she didn’t used to do and when I’ve questioned it she’s just said it’s not on purpose and I’m sure it isn’t but it’s things that bug me like leaving used tampons in the toilet etc

The tampon thing probably sounds stupid 😂 but I just think when you use the toilet make sure you leave it in a way that you would expect to find it and make sure everything is gone. Maybe that’s just me being abit OCD though

Just dropped by as the title caught my eye and didn’t want to fly off without responding.
You sound like a lovely person who deserves to be treated with so much more love and respect than you seem to get from this relationship.
IME it’s often the woman that is posting this kind of thing, missing that emotional connection to their partner- many men usually get lost in the world of work, phones and sport- I hope she starts to listen and appreciates your efforts to try and reignite the spark before it’s too late.

Also, it’s not just you, the tampon thing is gross. They shouldn’t even be flushed down the toilet 🤢

Thanks for the message.
work is pretty full on and I love football and apart from the occasional scroll through social media I’m not that interested in my phone as I’m using it constantly for work so when I’m at home it’s nice to put it away. Even when I’ve tried to talk about something to do with my work she’s said a few times that she really isn’t interested and being honest no wife is. Maybe that’s true or maybe it isn’t.
maybe it’s because it’s the school holidays and she’s more stressed than usual as the kids are at home more so she isn’t getting the break she’s usually used to.
last night the kids had a last minute sleepover so we got a takeaway and had sex and relaxed watching tv and it was great but the bad times outweigh the good at the moment. Maybe she’s on here and read my post 😂.

😂 maybe so but if she is and it works, great!
I think it’s difficult when you have a young family to find time for yourselves though. When they have sleepovers we tend to think of the jobs we could get done so much easier/quicker without the kids, or a (rare) chance to socialise with friends, that we miss the opportunities to spend time together. Great that you got that time to spend together and made the most of it.
Hopefully an improvement. Got my fingers crossed for you 🤞🏽

Good grief. What an awful woman. Trust us when we tell you her behaviour is not normal. She is emotionally abusive. You're consoling yourself by thinking that she's is nice on occasion, so it makes up for how horrid she is to you? 🤦

"when we first met she didn’t have any of these traits and it’s only since we got married things have changed."

Oh, she had them. She just hid them until she had you hooked. That's what abusers do.
Just because her ex was abusive does not mean she is not an abuser herself.

Hate to admit it but I think you’re right. After a great night things have sort of gone back to the same. After writing this post I’ve been thinking about all the little comments she makes and it’s just not right. My concern is more about what our children would grow up like as I know she wouldn’t tell me if they’ve misbehaved or other things as she doesn’t believe in discipline and certain other things.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. Yes, for the sake of the kids you need to look into getting custody. Document her failures to apply appropriate discipline and any other derelictions of parental duty.