Doing the right thing but anxious

[anxiousmum35]

Hello, not sure where to start as it's a long one but will try to keep it short.

Been with my other half 18 years and married 12, we have 6 children ages 17 to 1year old.

We've had our ups and downs like most do, but his outbursts are big. He has a terrible temper, the smallest of things he will make a big thing out of it.
He name calls a lot, picks and how I look, dress weight even my choice in music, he also does the same to mostly the two older children, and with make comments about the younger ones about I'm making them fat, my parenting is the worst it's my fault things are going down hill because I'm not on top of things... I'm failing basically.. things got physical once when the older two was very young..

Last year he was arrested for DV, he had kicked off in the home, the kids had toys out made a mess, why hadn't I taken them outside yet to play..and I bit back I don't bite back I will keep quiet nod my head..this time I didn't which didn't help the matter he was threatening to smash the house up etc and when I answered back he told me I'm lucky it's not my head he wants to smash in...I told him he was out of line and needed to stop shouting with the kids around...i had my youngest in my arms and he went for me I panicked backed up and left the house with the baby and rang my sister, lucky enough she was 10 mins away so I waited, she met me outside she wasn't happy telling me I need to leave I agreed, we walked back inside and he was all nice and welcoming.. 10 mins later the police turned up..my sister contact them with the online 101..they asked what happened and I told them he was arrested..I made a statement and told everything that had happened over the years.. anyway he was released and on bail..he went to stay with his brother..I had his side calling me and being horrible saying it's me who is the abusive one, not mentally stable and shouldn't around the kids because I have depression and anxiety.. now bare in mind I do everything in the house and for the kids, he does nothing.it was put on that he was suicidal and anything happens it's on me and I'd have to explain to the kids what happened to thier dad..it got in my head and I dropped the charges and stupidly took him back.

Anyway I've now got a plan in place to leave today my two friends have helped me greatly with the planning as he isn't here today won't arrive back till later tonight..

Why do I feel so guilty doing it, like I'm being sneaky leaving without saying anything, I'm so anxious I feel sick..

I just like to say I don't have feelings for him haven't for a long while.

Sorry for the long ramble.

You are 100% doing the right thing .
Leaving my abusive exh over 30 years ago was the best decision I ever made .
Stay strong and enjoy your wonderful DC who will be so much happier . 💐

Thank you for your reply.

Is it normal to feel so anxious and guilty I feel I'm doing him a wrong leaving saying nothing while he's not here, but I know if I said face to face it's over and I'm leaving it wouldn't be pretty he would kick off massively.

You are doing it this way because deep down you know you would not be safe if you told him you were leaving. Because he is violent and aggressive. Good luck to you, Anxiety is totally normal, and you are doing this for a better life for yourself and your children.

Thank you.

And you right and I know this just yeah very overwhelmed.

Completely understandable to be overwhelmed, this is a huge thing you are doing, even if he wasn't such a twat. But you know why you are doing it, and why it is best.

OP, don't stop to tell us what you're doing - keep your eye on the ball and get yourself out of there. When you're safe, come back and tell us. He's awful - you need to get away from him and his disgusting family.

You're so very brave and stronger than you think.
You're doing the right thing, i promise 1000%.
It's normal to have these feelings.
Be kind to yourself, just think of the life you're going to have, no walking on eggshells etc.
Stay positive ✨️
(I've been in your position)

You’re absolutely doing the right thing by leaving without giving him warning.

Best case scenario is that he gets in your head and guilt trips you into staying for another decade of abuse before you leave, further damaging you and your DCs’ mental health .

Worst case is he gets physically violent and ruins your physical health.

You need to get away and it’s great that you have your sister’s support. Nothing to feel guilty about but you’ve spent so many years of him telling you what to think and how you’re wrong about everything it’s not surprising that you doubt yourself. You will heal from this relationship and you will be able to offer a safe and happy home for your DCs. Congratulations on your new start.

You are doing the right thing and in the right way. You likely feel anxious/guilty because you’ve had 18 years trying to calm things and make things right for him. But he assured you are doing this in a safe way with support from your friends.

Oh and block all his friends and family on social media and apps. You don’t need to give them any headspace.

Just wanted to update you all.

It's been 7 weeks since I packed mine and the kids things and left.

It's been difficult and have hit a few road bumps, but can say things are slowly started to smooth out.

I missed your original post but can I just say how proud of you I am. You have done everything for the right reasons

So pleased to see an update. I'm so happy for you and your DC that you made it. These type of event will never be completely smooth, but you are over the worst part now.

I also missed your original post.
Well done. You've done the right thing for yourself and your children. You all deserve to live in a safe and secure environment.
I hope now things are settling you can all start to build a brighter future surrounded by warmth, love, security and lots of fun and laughter.