Should I or shouldn't I tell SiL truth of relationship?

[Carlou]

Hi. Am a lurker normally. But have a question for you and would appreciate what you all would do in my situation. In advance I would ask please don't question why I'm with him..Sorry - maybe a long one.. but a bit of background history. Been married for 37 years and it's not all been rainbows and roses. In fact, at times it's been hell really as husband has been on/off narcissistic tendencies... I mean he can be really lovely for ages and then goes off on a huge rage at little things. He told me when we first married that if I conducted myself like the Proverbs 31 woman we wouldnt have any problems!! (no accountability for his own sins!). He doesn't say sorry very often at all, and has explosive temper tantrums and sulking fits from time to time. He has an unhealthy fear of sickness and the end of the world (I think inherited from his mother).and a dependence on electronics (although he isnt having an affair - no time!). We have just recently had vehicle acquisitions post paying off house. His sisters think he is a good Christian man (which he is sometimes). Anyways one of his sisters has texted me when he visited her last weekend and said how lovely it was to see him so happy. She then thanked me for all the years I've supported him and the family!! I was quite taken aback as I have not ever given her any indication of the difficult times we have had nor have I given any indication I required thanking. It's taken me by surprise and I'm not sure how to respond. I was going to just reply Thankyou .....BUT Im so tempted...I would love to tell a very little about how it's been over the years but I'm not sure that opening that can of worms would do any good.(and possibly be a bad move). Do I go with my gut and just say Thankyou or do I say thanks with a small indication of the nature of the relationship? I'm really tempted here!! What do you think?

You can either complain about her brother's nastier side, but then her response would be to say "well, why stay with him?" Or you say nothing and just accept the praise.

She's his sister, she's unlikely to take criticism well. She's more likely to feed it back to him and other members of the family. That just opens a can of worms. I don't see how it benefits you.

If you need to vent or you need support, I'd choose a different confidante.

Nah, she'll tell her Mum. She'll protect her son. You'll end up the bad guy.

Are you in the UK or USA?

The question isn't whether you should tell your SIL the truth, but whether you should tell yourself and your husband the truth.

Could you basically reply with a thank you, but add something just to hint about the truth? Eg "thank you, what a lovely thing to say! We've had our ups and downs over the years but I wouldn't be without the grumpy old sod 🤣 ".

No point just cause more problems

i think of you don’t love him then leave him

What's the point? Surely you're better off telling him to wind his neck in.

She probably already knows what he's like

It sounds like she's already thanking you for putting up with him?! Just say thank you and leave it.

I wouldn't. I would leave him though.

As a dedicated atheist, I had to go and look these up for you ... I expect you and SIL know the texts. You can communicate in Bible verse code 😏
James 1:8
1 Corinthians 15:33
James 3:16
Matthew 5:44
Ephesians 5:11
Galatians 5:22-23
Proverbs 31:10
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Ephesians 4:2
2 Timothy 2:7

said how lovely it was to see him so happy. She then thanked me for all the years I've supported him and the family!!

Is it possible that as his sister she knows he can be an arse and a miserable one at that? And actually, her thanking you was in acknowledgement that you've put up with his arsehole-ery instead of running for the hills and leaving it to her and the family?

BTW even after 37 years you could still run for the hills....

Romans 6:23

I think she’s saying she knows he’s a right pill and appreciates you for putting up with him.

Ecclesiastes 3:20

this

just have a good chuckle to yourself 😁

She probably knows how difficult he is and is thanking you for putting up with him/ making him happy so he's less angry.

Saying something will cause massive issues as it will likely get passed on. I'd more be considering how to leave

There is nothing to be gained by you telling her unless you’re trying to enlist support for when you leave. She’ll only tell the rest of his family that you think he’s an arse (which he is).

If someone told me yes I would ask why on earth they stayed so long

I think the Proverbs 31 Woman doesn't need a husband. Sounds like she's got it sussed.

What have vehicle acquisitions got to do with your post?

You are being a martyr in your life. It's not a good look and won't make you happy. If his sister does know what he's like and this is the first time in 37 years she's acknowledged it I'd be questioning why she hasn't enquired about your well-being over all of those years. It's condoning her brother's behaviour which makes her complicit in it.

She's not the person to confide in unless you want to put the cat amongst the pigeons and change your life going forward. (Such a bad thing?)