To be sad about the loss of this friendship anyway?

[Callmeanambulance]

Im suddenly missing an old friend of 20 years that I haven’t spoken to for 2 years.
As years went on she wasn’t the greatest friend, she was always cancelling as she had better options and I felt judged and awkward in her presence as she had the husband, house and children where I was a single mum, renting and on minimum wage. I felt like a burden that she entertained when she was bored. Our children grew up as good friends and we did have some good times, but as a whole I feel stupid for not seeing how she treated me wasn’t right.
I considered her my best friend but she had a friendship group who were her best friends. I knew them all but I was never invited out as part of their group. It didn’t bother me at the time as I’m not a huge fan of social gatherings, but I’ve seen photos of them having fun over the years and it got to me a bit that they chose to leave me out of this and I never even knew it was happening until now.
We still have plenty of friends in common and I came across tagged photos of her wedding to mark their anniversary and she had ‘the group friendships’ as her bridesmaids when she told me she only had her 2 sisters. This was when she dumped me as bridesmaid as she couldn’t afford more than two dresses. I made my excuses to not go as I offered to pay and she still said no, I was hurt. The proof that she lied just makes it harder even all these years later.
She would gossip about these friends to me such as ‘so and so had yet another one night stand/ xyz’s new boyfriend is weird/ her baby is ugly’ which was when it clicked she obviously does the same about me with these friends.
It finally sunk in she didn’t value our friendship anymore when she invited me and my children round for lunch. When we got there she had invited school mums and their children for a play date. So naturally her children played with their school friends and my children were pushed out. ‘Friend’ spent the afternoon speaking to school mums and ignoring me. I took my children and left.
I lowered contact until I stopped bothering at all, she briefly reached out once claiming she’d been trying to ring me for days as she hadn’t heard from me, but I had no missed calls. I didn’t reply and she didn’t contact me again.
I should be relieved the friendship is over and the weight is gone of not matching up to her group of super cool friends or living up to her standards, but I feel really sad and miss the good times we did have when she was down to Earth.
There’s no chance I’d want to reach out and become friends again, I know I need to move on and forget about her, but I guess the realisation that she’d lied to me constantly/used me/ didn’t value our friendship and judged me has hit me suddenly.
I don’t have any friends, mainly because I was dropped when I fell pregnant with my first and over the years I haven’t had time to socialise. I’ve met great people but it never turned into friendships, I must be a difficult or unlikable person. I usually get ignored for better offers or cancelled on last minute so I eventually gave up.
Has anyone here given up on a one sided friendship, how did you move on?
Do you regret ending the friendship?
Do you wish y

Do you wish you’d tried harder to save the friendship?
(sorry baby kicked my phone and sent too early!)

Yeah, kind of, it's like a weird Stockholm Syndrome type of thing. I do sometimes miss her even although I know she hates me and she took great pleasure in letting me (and the rest of the world) know just how much.

Yes I’ve lost practically all of my friendships as im a terrible friend. I miss 2/3 most dearly. I chose one friend let’s call her Mia, over another we’ll call Pearl.

Pearl was my best friend for nearly for 17 years and we were completely inseparable but she was the type to drop me whenever she had a bf and would become inseparable when they split up/ had problems. When she moved in with her partner she didn’t tell me, which hurt and she never wanted to spend time with me, instead choosing her partners friends gfs. I wasn’t included anymore because I was single so couldn’t do couple things and instead she chose another friendship group who were all married with mortgages. Before she moved in with her partner she would call me crying saying the other group had left her out because she was single but that’s exactly what she did to me.

When she announced her pregnancy it was in a group message with that group who had nothing to do with me so that really upset me as I thought she would have called and told me like a bestie. But obviously she did not value our friendship or see me like that anymore. So I cut off all ties because I was still single and not ready for a partner or mortgage and knew I’d be excluded anyways.

I would like to get back in touch but don’t think the hurt can ever be repaired from both sides. We had so much fun together and the same type of humour but we both have changed since then.

I have been thinking of getting in touch with Mia as I’ve done some fb stalking and her baby is a cutie but don’t really know how she’d respond tbh so will probably just leave it.

And sorry as I’ve just taken over with my own life story- I miss the friendships and regret ending them definitely. Yes I wish I’d tried harder to save them- they tried to but I wasn’t interested as I knew I’d never be at their pace life style wise.

I haven’t got over them as I miss my jokes and friends but my life has changed since then. My focus is on my family and young baby so I don’t have time to be upset about friendships. My baby won’t even let me eat or wee on my own so I’ve no hope in having fun with friends! I don’t have any friends either as I’ve lost them all- maybe when my child grows up I will worry and try to make some but for now it’s all baby and trying to organise myself and the house!

@Callmeanambulance it is very sad losing friendships but that is part of life. You are better off without her if you feel it is all one sided. I read something about people being like radiators or something- do they heat you up as in make you feel warm and happy or are they draining the life out of you? You just have to remember that when you feel sad! You never know she may realise she didn’t value you and want to apologise and rekindle the friendship. Unlikely but possible.

There will be other friendships for you x

I don't have many friends. I had two good friends at school, we were very close into our thirties but drifted as we got older. We still meet occasionally but don't have as much in common as we used to.

I have a couple of mum friends I met when my son was born. I see them occasionally either kids or for a coffee.

I've had other close friendships over the years but we have either drifted apart/moved on or fallen out and walked away.

It use to really bother me like i was missing out on some big social events, but now I'm happy with my lot. I have a lovely family I do loads with.

There's no value to having friendships that make you feel bad about yourself. She wasn't a good friend to you.

Yes one of my friendships ended in February. It kicked off as a mutual friend of ours had spent Christmas in hospital with a heart problem and when mutual went in before being admitted the ex friend made a point of being there (she only ever showed support when an audience was around and then it was overacted). Once mutual was admitted she didn't go visit at all, me and my DP (mutual is his cousin) mistakingly thought she had been transferred to a hospital out of the county so we thought we were unable to visit due to lack of transport and when we said this in front of ex friend she didn't correct us even though she knew she was in local hospital. When me and DP found out we were able to visit all along we felt awful and made sure to visit during the remainder of her stay. Now to the main point of fallout. Ex friend had arranged to meet with mutual a couple of weeks after mutual came out of hospital so was still early in recovery and ended up standing her up. She gave the excuse she had overslept which is a frequent excuse she uses and often even contradicts herself on. When pulled up on it in group chat she then tried making us ask her 13 year old daughter to back her up. We stated that we didn't want to involve daughter as it is unfair on her to be dragged into a disagreement. Mutual left group chat and ex friend sent me a voice clip of her making her daughter back her up and the poor kid sounded on the verge of tears and so put on the spot. Ex friend then cut me as well as mutual off as we stuck to the conclusion that she often uses excuses to get out of things. Ex friend also is the type that if anything happens to one of us you can almost pinpoint the time it takes for her to have a problem too and does so in a way to ensure she is centre of attention.

Friends for a reason, friends for a season, as the saying goes.

things happen, we grow into different people with different opinions and values etc. we grow apart.

I believe in friendships that are just part of our current life, sometimes they drift as our lifestyles change. Mental health awareness allows us to be more vocal of our woes but overloading me drove a wedge between myself and a couple of friends when I found myself floundering trying to support both.

it was an agonising decision but looking back however sad I’ve never regretted distancing myself and neither have asked me why.

ive had a lot of drama in my life this past year but I don’t thrust my burdens on my friends, I take the time being with them to be a distraction from the crap I’m in, it helps that we share a hobby and can get very in grossed in it.

It's very hard. I've had this. Thought I'd found a really good friend in a fellow mum. We were close for 9 years, always together and I always defended/excused her dodgy behaviour to others (not replying to messages for days, ignoring people on whatsspp groups, being quite mean about mums she didnt like) . I noticed she really seemed to value friendships with (apparently) high status women so when I was invited round to ones of these ladies homes with her she was all 'oooh you're in the inner circle now, very lucky etc'. Gradually I was phased out for these other women and I can't deny it doesn't hurt. She had a bereavement a few years ago and i really wanted to be there for her/assumed i would be but she chose these other women. Ive noticed a trend in that she is bestest friends with those who help her the most (lifts, mowing the lawn, decorating her house,look after her kids). I feel like maybe i was used back then as she had just moved to our city and didnt know anyone. The thing is when you are her favourite she is brilliant and you feel special, she is caring, kind and so so funny. Every so often I'm invited back for parties etc and I go because they're fun and i really enjoy her company and have a good laugh. But it hurts to have been dropped for the other friends. We had such good fun and got on so well but there's no way I could ever speak to her about how i feel as she runs away from any conflict.
I'm not sure what my advice would be. I have concentrated on my other friendship groups, although I would never be as close as I was to my friend. Seeing these other friends has helped me move on somewhat. Going through this experience has made me so wary and I doubt I'll ever throw myself into a friendship like I did with her.
What I will say is that it is likely to be more about her rather than you, so try not to feel like it's your fault. Good luck 🫶

I've never been dropped by (or dropped) a friend close enough to genuinely miss, but I have had one member of a friendship group turn on me in a way that makes that group uncomfortable for me now. It sucks, and I resent that she "got away with it", but I had to just let it go.

In your case she sounds like a much closer but also a really poor friend. I think it has been especially difficult because you don't have other friendships, and I suspect if you focus on making a few new friends (even just nice low-level friendships) you will think much less about her.

You need to find a way to move on from the pain. If holding on to negative feelings is a wider challenge for you (I.e. this fretting over the friendship isn't a one off) I'd think about getting some ACT therapy.

In the meantime this is a good exercise. https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy/leaves-on-a-stream-cognitive-defusion-exercise

I don't regret ending the friendship but there is a sadness, and my thoughts still go there too often. I think that is mainly because I didn't take Maya Angelou's advice of believing her the first time, when she showed me who she is - or maybe I did and I mistakenly thought I could handle it.

Whilst the main MO was different from yours there are a lot of similarities - gossiping/being nasty about other 'friends' (and almost completely ignoring boundaries around this - even when I was blunt about it); subtle put-downs; ridiculous brags; lack of self awareness. There was a reason why I made more allowances for her than I would normally but as that reason became more distant and I found the behaviour more noticeable and more repulsive.

I guess I regret not getting out/distancing much sooner but I understand why I didn't and I'm trying to appreciate the lessons it taught me.

I think your feelings are completely natural, but you are still better off without her. I know it hurts though.

There is a very good author on FB - Rebecca Cooper - she describes the loss of friendship beautifully - l have ‘lost’ friendships over the years because of crazy ways they have behaved - l liken it to being on a train of life - some people stay with you on the whole journey to the end, some come and sit a while and you have a great time and then they get off the train, not even turning to say goodbye - it’s confusing, upsetting and feels like grief, painful. I think l’ve become a bit more wary of opening up to having close friendships - keep it light and friendly - no one gets hurt that way.