Wedding = nightmare headache. Please someone tell me what to do!

[bohemianbint]

I'm sorry to keep whining on about this wedding thing, but it's really doing my head in to the point where I don't even want to bother!

This is the background - it seems family can only focus on being left out of the ceremony and are not really disguising their disappointment. They don't really view the party next year as anything special. Spoke to my sister and my cousin (who I really expected to get it) but my cousin said that she didn't see the problem with us having a meal with 30 odd people after the ceremony, but it was up to us what we did, people were just disappointed.

I feel like shit. It's making me question everything. As it stands the ceremony is booked for 3 weeks, the parents are going to be witnesses and we were going for a meal afterwards. And that would be it until next year.

Now I'm wondering if (as my cousin told me) that we'd regret it, it's a really big deal, should we do more to mark it, should we simply not bother and do everything on the same day next year? Will we regret it? My poor pregnant head can't cope with all this crap and I've just spent the morning bawling trying to figure out what to do - and being really upset by the lack of support and understanding from the people we most expected it from.

Should we just wait? The whole thing is that we wanted to be legally married asap though. Whatever happens, the having lots of people at the ceremony itself is never going to happen, I would rather die.

I know I keep going on about it at the moment but its really frying my brain and upsetting everyone.

You just have to focus on the reasons that you decided to do it like this in the first place. I think you should jus go ahead as planned as it seems to be something that yoy have thought long and hard about - sod everyone else.

You might end up regretting it doing it like this - on the other hand you could bow down to everyone elses ideas of what is "appropriate" and end up regretting that too...

Only you can decide but FWIW I think you and your dp are doing the right thing

Hello bohemian, a warm hello from Singapore. Am just in the midst of sorting our papers out to get married here (you register and next day you can say yes).

Do not wait to tie the knot. This is your decision as a couple. I'm so sorry your family has upset you, especially as you should be sooo looking forward to that special day.

My parents won't even feature in the new plans (they're in Germany) and his parents (Dad only and bitchy manipulative girlfriend)...well, let's not go there: NFI (not fucking invited).

This is what you wish to do, then do it. Let somebody take pictures and stick one on a card to everybody and let them know you have gotten married but are also saving the date next year (like an invite). They'll congratulate you and will have a paper in hand that invites them to take part in the celebrations next year.

Comfort hug. Focus on your wedding preps, not the moaners.

You should solely focus on what your partner and your good self want from the wedding.

Your parents imposing on you like this is totally wrong and typical toxic type behaviour ("bow to our will or else!"). Their opinions thus should be discounted completely.

BTW if they do get to control your wedding they will see it as a green light to go onto try and control other aspects of your life. You giving them any leeway on this matter will further confirm their opnion that you are somehow not capable. This is all about wanting power and control over you even though you are now an adult.

Thank you everyone! I think you're probably right about just doing what we planned - it's all getting horrendously complicated.

I've never been good when there's too many options and when I'm pregnant I can't cope at all, I just crumble in the face of decisions.

It just got me wondering if we'd regret not doing the staying in seperate houses thing, not seeing each other until the ceremony and all that other traditional malarkey - but surely we can just do it next year?

Cheers for replying. I'm almost boring myself with it, and am starting to wonder if we're mean and pathetic "excluding" everyone. But I guess we can't change their mindset if that's how they see it.

Cheers Attila - I'm just amazed that my cousin and sister are seeing it the same way as the parents. I really expected more from my cousin but it's like they're all closing rank.

Are people really so bothered about the ceremony bit? Ours will literally take 5 minutes. Maybe I'm being a bit obtuse, but I really don't get it and would totally understand if a friend or relative wanted to just have a party, or do it alone. I thought maybe it was a generational thing, but then my cousin and sister are being the same!

Could you face having a church blessing next year? In which case do the legal bit on the quiet and fob them off with we're postponing it until next year?

TBH your stepmum sounds like such a nightmare not sure I'd want her there on the day for the registry office bit.

I think Alexa has a great idea plus how about do the big celebration on your anniversary (or as close to as possible) yes go with the whole save the date thing etc etc

Your day, your decision.

DH and I chose to elope rather than try to make every member of our families happy. After all, there's always someone who doesn't like what you chose to do - and we figured, if we're going upset one person, why not upset the whole lot?! That was 14 years ago, and I've never regretted a moment of it!

Do it how you want, take pics and enjoy it! (Your cousin can get married in the manner that she chooses - it's her business. And you get to do the same!)

alexa - your idea is really good, and I don't see how anyone can object to that without being entirely bloody unreasonable. When are you thinking of doing it? I hope it goes well for you!

CarGirl - could never do the church thing full stop, it would probably cave in on us all. But am hoping if we did some sort of ceremony (maybe handfasting) people would appreciate that when they see it, even if they think it sounds like bollocks at the moment...

Your family are total gits - if your wedding plans were the only thing that was a problem for them I might suggest some kind of compromise, but your other threads have made it clear that they are manipulative and unpleasant and want to rule your life.

This is your life (you, DP, DS & bump). That's what matters now. You want (quite rightly) to be legally married. That's an important step, and it should be up to you how you go about it.

The whole traditional stuff with separate houses, being walked down the aisle, every cousin and auntie invited along to the bunfight etc is all just so much tosh. If you want to do that in a year's time, that should be up to you. You don't want to do it now - that is also up to you. You're not being unfair to anyone. They are being unfair to you by not respecting your wishes, and hassling you about it.

When you send out the keep the date free invites just use the word wedding, don't give them anumition about what kind of ceremony it is - lol!

Your wedding your decisions. Unless someone else is paying for it and since this isn't the case then tell everyone to get lost!!

You know you're doing the right thing for you and dp.

Best wishes for your wedding.

I would have thought the ceremony is far more important than the party. That is, after all, the whole point of a wedding. I am surprised you view it so lightly. While I think you should do what you want and sod everyone else, I can understand why they think going to a party is a poor second.

branflake - yup, that's definitely how they see it. We're keeping the ceremony to the bare minimum though, and hoping to have a handfasting or similar the following year, so there'll still be a focal point.

I think I view it so lightly in that it is mainly for practical purposes - of course we love each other but the relationship was (is!) fine as it is and it's a choice between getting married and making a rather complicated will - marriage is easier.

take a stand now before you ruin this entire day for yourself. You will not please everyone so concentrate on pleasing yourselves! The poeple who are giving you a hard time would do exactly the same in your position - they would please themselves. Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions but every married person who has had other people at their wedding will tell you there was at the very least one person sticking their oar in, telling you what they would do, refusing to sit beside some other guest etc etc..the list is endless!

I think that your family would be giving you a hard time whatever you did.

If you don't want a big fuss, then you'd really regret being forced into anything, rather than regreting not having stuff iyswim. And you have the opportunity to do the dress, flowers etc next year if you feel that you've 'missed out' on anything. I once went to a lovely humanist ceremony where the couple had popped into the registry office the day before in their jeans for the legal bit, and considered the humanist ceremony the real wedding (twas fab- a full goth wedding).

So, don't ask people, just tell them what you are doing, and if they criticise just give them the old 'Thanks for your thoughts, but its what we want' routine.

The marriage is about you and your future husband, about the commitment you are making to each other, not anyone else. You will regret it more if you are badgered into a wedding that is not what you and your future dh atually want. You and your husband need to pledge your future together in a way whicb means the most to you, not to please others

Bohemian, I think jumperoo has a point of laying down the law asap. Send an email, letter to everone before the WE. Just a few lines. Dear xyz, as you have already heard we will be having a short registry ceremony on the xx/xx/xx. Since this is only a legal occasion dp and I have decided to just have an intimate ceremony with only both our parents present due to us expecting the baby soon. Both of us very much appreciate your understanding of our situation and would like to thank you for your support. For dp and me the most important part of our marriage is the actual church blessing which we would like to celebrate with everyone some time in May in 2009. After the registry date you will receive a formal invitation and we are very much looking forward to celebrating with you on our special day in May 2009. This will also be the day dc will be baptised and we are looking forward to you being a part of the celebrations.

Lots of love,
x & x

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My dp and I will now be puling a fast one in Singapore without any parents, just 2 or 4 close friends followed by lunch and a long WE away somewhere close by (since all the near islands look like paradise it should be no problem to make it honey moon-ish. (We went to the Maldives last November so I've ticked that box aready.)

TBH, we are totally skint and with me pregnant and the move here I had to give up a very well paid broker job in the city and we can't even afford an engagement ring with a fat diamond (I got really pissed off everyone in the bank, hair dressers, etc. asking: Oi, where's the rock?) Also, I'm pregnant, I want to get married before I look as if I swallowed a balloon. I've still got my knee length dress (white Chloe with small black lace on bust and high waist) in our London house so I'll have to get that over here as well as my birth certificate but that's it. In London our marriage registry would have to 'hang' in the town hall for a full 15 days and I don't have the bloody time as I'm gaining size by the hour. Here in Singers you register and marry the next day. I'm now working on finding an auspicious date and getting on with it. We'll have friends take photos and my fave hair dresser doing hair and make up. Guess we'll pull it off somewhere round the 10th of May. We will scratch together all our savings for a tiny platinum pave ring from Cartier. ( not as expensive as in London and as I'm non resident here in Singers I can get tax back (a few hundred Dollars) as I'm flying out to London at the end of May to check on the house and bring our cats over).

We'll get that platinum band sorted and no engagement ring. I'll get the rock at our white wedding next year which will coincide with baby getting baptised. I'm due in Oct.

I just want to be married to my lovely dp, have a healthy babe and enjoy my life in Asia. Luckily, my parents are so wonderful and understanding. (I'm an only child and they're quite old). They will come for the birth of baby and just want to get us legally married (my Dad is Asian and cannot contemplate baby born in wedlock...hehe).

I really hope it all works out for you darling. Let me know how you get on. Lots of luck!

Alexa - That note sounds absolutely perfect - there's no way anyone could have a problem with that! I really like the idea and might liberally plagiarise, thanks! I think what you're doing is fab (obviously!), will you be having the big wedding back in London or in Singapore?

Everyone else - thank you, am feeling a bit stronger today and starting to feel more let down and disappointed by the people giving us a hard time, rather than swayed by them. I've seen a nice dress in Topshop which is a step up from jeans and might be nice for the registry office, and we're currently looking for wedding rings so we can maybe get them for this year, but otherwise plans are the same, party next year and arse to anyone who doesn't like it!