New younger partner wants child -I am not sure what I want anymore

[Twogreykittens]

Sorry this is going to be long but I really want some input!

So me and my boyfriend have been together for two years. I have two children from a previous marriage- my son is 15 y and my daughter is 9 y. My boyfriend doesn’t have kids.

About 6 months into us dating he asked me if I wanted to have more kids. I thought for a while about this and landed on a clear ”yes”. I did say that I wanted to wait until we had been together for a year before we started trying. This is still very fast but time isn’t on my side as I am currently 41, about to turn 42. We also talked about different ways in which we could have a child, including both adoption and fostering.

In december last year I fell pregnant. Just after that we signed a lease for a new place together with a move-in date of May 1 this year. In hindsight I can see that this decision was largely fueled by the pregnancy. Anyways, week 12 of the pregnancy I had a miscarriage. I was very sad, and my boyfriend was too. We moved in together in May and had a bit of rocky start to living together but everything is working well now. This summer I fell pregnant again and subsequently miscarried at 8 weeks. My guess is its due to my age and that we would need to look into egg donation.

However, throughout this journey I have grown increasingly unsure of what lengths I want to go to for another child. I think our somewhat difficult summer after moving in together in is influencing me as I am seeing more sides of him that I don’t necessarily think will be all that easy to deal with with a baby, as well as the fact that I am becoming increasingly aware of my age. I have expressed some of this to him and we have now agreed to think separately on this matter for a while before we discuss it again. Initially I thought it was more that I didn’t want to move on to trying other ways of having kids but I realised the other day that if he would say that we should quit trying alltogether I would be fine with it.

I should add that I sometimes have a hard time knowing what I want and often want to please people and make them happy. This is how I managed to stay with my ex for a very long time even though he is a very difficult person to live with.

Sorry for basically writing a novel, but I feel like such a shitty person towards my boyfriend if I change my mind at this point. He really really wants kids- although I think he is quite naive as to what having small children entails (like most men who are in their thirties are…).

How should I handle this situation? Is this something we can move on together in as a couple? If anyone has similar experiences I would love to hear the outcome.

Cross posted!

I mean… def stop having unprotected sex if you aren’t sure or don’t want a baby.

you do need to have a proper conversation about this as he needs to be able to make an informed decision.

from what you wrote…there are a few ??? about him and what kind of father and possibly LT partner he’d be.

I had another 2 dc in my late 30s/early 40s with a new partner, after having one dc who was already an adult by then. It's increasingly common with second marriages and I haven't found it any more tiring this time around, partly because I have enormous support from DH. So I don't think the age or the idea of being an older mum should stop you if it's what you want. I never needed any fertility treatment and I took the attitude that if it was meant to be then it would happen. I think we angst so much about whether to have dc especially at an older age, but in reality it's often not our choice and it's nature who decides.

If it's not what you want then I think you need to be proactive about it and ensure you have foolproof contraception. I had a copper coil put in after my last baby and I can keep it in until menopause, so it's completely hassle-free.

DH isn't younger than me but in other relationships I've seen, the relationships almost never last when a younger partner wants dc and the older one doesn't (of both sexes). Obviously you shouldn't agree to a child just to try to stay in the relationship but realistically it's unlikely to last once you make that decision.

Very sensible. But a baby is forever, and if he turns out to be a crap dad, which sounds possible, and you leave him, which is always a possibility, do you want to be left holding the baby for the next 18+ years?

Please don't saddle your 15 and 9 year old with a baby sibling for the sake of a man who may or may not stick around.

You want to do it for him. Don't do it! You have the right to change your mind and don't need to feel guilty. You know what's involved in having another baby, he doesn't really as he's not done it. But even if you do feel guilty, better some short term guilt than long term regret and resentment and 18 more years of taking care of someone.

That’s really what I meant as well @PeriIsKickingMyButt , longterm rather than forever. Do you feel that he’ll be supportive when you’re dealing with broken nights and later perhaps toddler awkwardness? Is he really committed to being a parent?

It's a NO from me sorry @Twogreykittens

100% don't do it.

If you’re not planning on having kids with him tell him sooner rather than later. If kids are non negotiable for him you need to let him know and then deal with the consequences.
It’s totally fine you don’t want more kids, and you absolutely shouldn’t have a baby to keep him happy (that won’t help anything!) but he deserves the truth.
it’s a tough decision I’m sorry you’re going through it

I cant think of anything worse op than to start the baby days over again a few more years you will be responsibility free.
Having another baby now you will be parenting in to your 50s maybe 60s.

Dear OP, none of us can tell you what to do, obviously, this is your life, and only you know what you can and cannot take, how far you are willing to go etc. I am in my fifties and am recently divorced. I am not at all interested in dating, just to we are clear, but if I were to date, I would not consider moving in together, getting married and most definitely not having another child with another person. I think that there is time and place for everything and I had my share of commitments. If I ever had another partner it would be only to have fun.

I think that you have to think very carefully weather or not you want to have another child and tell this to your boyfriend. He is young and has no children and if he wants them he will not change his mind. The right thing to do would be to let him go.

It doesn't sound like you really want children, which I good to realise now. I feel on the situation you describe, it would just add more strain to your relationship. Perhaps this isn't the right person for you. I hope you manage to figure this out

Exactly what @SanctuaryCity says