How can I handle my mum

[OmgImSoTired]

I'm a single parent, with two kids under 5 - one an EBF velcro baby who has never slept well.

My mum helps me a lot (and I mean a lot) for which I am grateful. She does kids' washing, helps me around my house when visiting, will give me lifts sometimes.

However, she's also really critical. Always telling me "you can't do X with baby", "I would've done X like this," "you need to stay on top of X." She comes in and immediately starts cleaning and tidying, telling me it's "unacceptable" the way the house looks (it's clean, there's just a little clutter like toys and mail lying around). She has really neat freak standards, always has - the other day I was scolded for not putting my own tea towel back straight enough. My ex is useless and always did sweet FA when it came to housework etc.

I'll admit I occasionally snap at my mum - I'm exhausted from having zero sleep for the best part of a year. But it's really doing my head in being treated like a teenager in my own space, and I've tried having discussions about it with her but it always turns into a row where she'll say "I do XYZ for you, you're so ungrateful!" "You can't cope without me, if I don't do it no one will."

Also, if I ask her to respect that I do things with the kids differently than she did - e.g. I don't want swearing in front of them, please don't do it - all hell breaks loose and I get told I'm ungrateful.

I really don't want to be ungrateful, but it's so hard dealing with this on top of everything else. Any advice? Or should I just let her say what she wants to say and quietly roll my eyes and get on with it?

Haha. So I said to her today, you make me feel like I'm failing, I'd rather you didn't help than constantly tell me what I'm doing wrong - it didn't go down well. She started getting emotional, shouted at me (I asked her to stop shouting, which I got told was disrespectful) and then she stormed out. She essentially tells me that because she's the parent, it's disrespectful of me to pull her up about ANYTHING.

I would just agree and then do your own thing. My mother was the same, but without being of any help at all.

I found that if I endlessly disagreed with her, it made her more entrenched in her view and she'd just bang on about it more and more. However, if I said something like "thanks, that's something I hadn't thought of" or "yes, I'll give that a go at some point" or one of those kind of agreeing but not really committing type sentences, she would be pleased that she had dispensed useful advice and shut up.

So, yes roll your eyes inside and do your own thing. Sometimes it will require huge self-control as your Mum's idea will be so intensely annoying you will want to batter her with the nearest kitchen implement, but it may be easier than constantly disagreeing.

Thanks, that's helpful advice and I will try to retain my self control!
Annoyingly, a lot of the time if I say "oh yeah I will," she'll say "no you won't." It's intensely frustrating

What a vile ageist comment.

She’s probably enjoying the fact that you need her and it’s giving her some control. You need to set clear and firm boundaries and stick to them. Tell her not to speak to you about the house or how you parent your children if she does ask her to leave. Try not to rely on her for so much support. You’re setting your children up to also treat you this way if it’s what they see you tolerate.

I think you do need to say to her that your standards are not the same as hers, and that you are happy with that.

My Mum is very similar neat freak etc. It is hard as you are getting a lot of help from her. But when she says it's not acceptable, you need to say, yes it is acceptable, and not an issue for you.

You have to detach from her a little bitshe isn't helping she is interfering in your life, you need to establish a boundary how do you think you could do that?

Can't you look for an alternative (e.g. a friend, other relative, hiring someone)? It sounds like she feeds off belitteling you, so it's very unlikely she will stop any time soon. You're in a vulnerable time with small children, you need to be helped, not "tortured" (metaphorically speaking, ofc).
I hope you can find someone else who can treat you as you deserve to be treated (hint: not like she treats you)💐

I couldn't cope with that at all. It would be a constant battle as I wouldn't put up with the comments.
I know you need support, but can you pull back from her as much as possible? Reduce the help and visits to strictly necessary and explain why if you have to.
You really don't need that in your life. You're doing an amazing job honestly and your own mother should be the first one to say so.

The more you let her into your life, the more she'll feel she can comment. If she's too much, ask her to do less but you'll need to do more for yourself.

oh, is it?

How about you ask her to do the kids’ washing at hers and drop it back to you, or mind your older child at hers?

In short, still accept with gratitude the help she gives you without having to have her in your space, where she can’t seem to stop herself being critical.

The current situation can’t be pleasant for her either, so maybe this way you can stay on good terms with her and she can still be a genuinely appreciated help to you & your children.

It sounds like you already have tried some varying options (👏👏👏) even if to no avail - so sorry 😩
There has been sine really good advice here already so I’m just throwing out another extreme alternative…

Maybe try the nuclear/ really over dramatic approach as a last resort ie next time she goes in on something, actually start crying. I mean really let loose on all the tears you are holding back.

As I said it may seem OTT but sometimes people like that need to see the full scale results of what they are saying/doing to actually GET IT!!

Tell her tearfully that she clearly knows you are struggling (really milk it here - insert how much you know the whole world sees it too etc etc - proper Oscar worthy stuff) and that you depend on her so much and when she constantly brings up all your failings and inadequacies etc it is destroying you, like actually eating you away from the inside out.

Keep going with how just because she was clearly able to handle it all - kid(s), relationship, housework, job (delete as appropriate) doesn’t mean you can, and if she can’t keep schtum, she is probably just going to contribute to a breakdown as you are barely hanging in (reign it back from the risking formal mental health intervention though 🙈) and that you know things aren’t up to HER high standards but it’s all YOU can manage right now and you are doing what you need to do to survive.

Re-iterate that you know she will still have HER opinions on things but PLEASE PLEASE can she not share/verbalise them for risk of causing damage to your relationship as whilst you know she means well, you cannot un-hear this criticism and you are not strong enough to tolerate it, and it will be the memories and thoughts you will long term associate with her, and how she is supposed to be helping you, but that it is starting to eclipse all the AMAZING (again ham it up a bit here to stroke the ego) things she is doing by adding anxiety to what else she is going to find fault in you for!

Either this sort of response will kick start her attitude and she will keep her mouth shut in future, or she will still find a way to keep going, then you know darn well you literally tried everything and she’s just a 💩 person (because come on, whose gonna keep kicking a woman whose that down when they’ve been explicitly told how she feels)!!!!!

even better it may result in her actually being more empathetic (but i won’t hold my breath 🙈🤣)

I would do an in my head eye roll. It sounds like biting your tongue is worth it. Sometimes with my mum I used to say “ oh yes that is a better way of doing it” her thinking her way was better often made her less critical.
My nana used to swear like a trooper in front of us much to our amusement and my mums disgust but we knew not to repeat nana words from a very young age. I still don’t swear.

Tricky. As she’s help you so much. I’d be inclined to prepare a heartfelt speech. Along the lines of ‘Mum, I really appreciate everything you do for me. But I cannot take any more criticism. Two young kids - especially with one being so clingy - isn’t easy. I really don’t want to end up resenting you so I’m respectfully asking you not to be so judgmental. Not to keep pointing out insert all your shortcomings here. When this hard episode in my life becomes easier, I’d like me and the kids to still have a good relationship with you.’

That last line is the clincher, it might make her think as I doubt she’ll want to fuck it up with you all.

When she arrives, spend first ten minutes (even half hour, hour) welcoming her with your warmest sunniest smile and give her a heartfelt hug. Then over best coffee or tea and her fave biscuits or cake say 'i was thinking mum, I miss just having a chat with you/need to catch up on Your life/what's the gossip in your street?' if she notices something untidy etc just say 'hold your horses /I know mum what am I like?! And then back to being kind and indulgent towards her. This is for two reasons u need her but she also is reminded she needs to not overdo it. Her skills are phenomenal but are from another age - modern women know how to leave things judiciously in order to save energy for other things /just in reserve etc. But just giving her that embrace shows children this is Mum isn't that lovely for us - after that she can criticize all she likes and it won't hit so hard, feign poor hearing (never poor mental health) and channel positive humourous attitude. You will not look weak then in front of your children, and whole atmosphere needs to change. You are past the eye roll in silence stage and if u can u can avoid the tense silence atmosphere. Gently ask if u are asking too much if her - if she asks why? U say because of her IRRITABILITY but say it kindly.it might be true! But it should shift things cos next time she wants to vent over a tea towel she knows you will feel concern (not inadequacy). Or u could say to kids isn't granny amazing - she used to tidy for the queen at Buckingham palace didn't you gran (wink to your mum) (were more cosy here aren't we!) best of luck. Dont forget that embrace! She'll love it even if it does dethrone her from Martha Stewart status. Also oh I know mum wot would I do without you? Can be used throughout the day, cos you established your (warm) power early on and can afford some humility later. You need her in your life and household but not the atmosphere of tension and grim tidy/launder/etc. you are Mother in your home. She may be wistful for her own heyday, and hug and chat will help. Hope this helps. Apologies if u are already doing it. Oh and look up some harmless swearwords to use if things get heated. My grandfather told us catabolic was w a swearword! Keep or develop humour this is meant to be your happy time (and your children, husband and grans)!😊

I don't think you can have it both ways- have her helping so much but make her behave in exactly the way you want her to. You either ignore/accept her how she is or do more for yourself.