Long time lurker, first time poster here. I've been married for 9 years with 3 DDs 15, 4 and 1. I love him dearly and I know he's genuinely a good guy, but my DH is a bit problematic (addiction and mental health stuff) and our relationship has been rocky for a good couple of years.
My question to you lovelies is how do you know when to throw in the towel?
On my side I've basically had enough of being taken for granted, I do most of the housework, childcare etc. And he's not kind to me sometimes. He's having a midlife crisis of sorts and i've noticed a kind of regression in his attitude towards me, more rigid, less kind, more keen to win an argument rather than just talk about things. My gut says he's hiding something, I don't know what. I don't trust him if I'm honest and I've told him so. We've had very frank conversations about how we feel, my expectations and what would happen if we split up. I know I could be a single mum (again).
I don't want to give up if this is just one of the down periods that might lead to a stronger relationship in time, if we just keep communicating openly. But I'm sick of being the patient and pragmatic one, while he has sometimes been reckless with my feelings and emotions. I am also noticing how the way he behaves is having a negative impact on me and hence on my ability to be my best for my girls. I have a horrid feeling a war between us is coming whether we try to hang on to this relationship or not.
For context, we are both depressed and doing counselling, separately. I have ptsd (not diagnosed) from the birth of our youngest. He is in treatment for drug (coke) and alcohol addiction and went to rehab for a month about 6 months ago. Currently not using but drinking socially occasionally (or so he says). I know he has talked to a solicitor about what would happen with our house and the kids if we split and I have also been getting my ducks in a row for the eventuality.
Here's some of his shit
He said our 4 year old's behaviour problems (she's very clingy with me, jealous of her little sister and is a work in progress re sharing) are my fault (then claimed he didn't remember saying it, doesn't mean it).
He was mostly absent in the 24 hours I was in hospital before our youngest was born by emergency csec. Getting pissed and high. I had to do it on my own, scariest thing ever.
He said his addiction was my fault (then claimed he didn't remember saying it, doesn't mean it)
He has told me fuck off you bitch in front of the kids 4 or 5 times over 3 years.
He hid £80k savings