Long story short, been together 9 years and married 2 with our first baby- 10 weeks old. Happy relationship before kids- he is very calm, likes his own space, chilled out kind of guy, spends a lot of time on his laptop working. I’m a bit more get up and go, have to motivate him with odd jobs etc. We do have different interests which sometimes clash and he likes to stay in most weekends unless we go for a walk or lunch but otherwise not a lot going on. He does like to hang out with a certain few colleagues at the weekend which involves a walk and drinks and this has become a little more recent lately, but I completely trust him in that sense.
He always wanted kids, so last year I conceived very quickly and his was response was nothing but cold and distant. He said he was in shock- fair enough. Eventually having asked him what was up he admitted he thought he had more time and was really anxious about a child coming despite us really discussing it. Those 9 months I spiralled and felt so upset by this. He eventually said he had accepted it, however still remained quite distant and wasn’t too interested in feeling the bump or listening to my updates on the pregnancy and how she was developing inside me. Eventually this lead to me resenting him and feeling rubbish in my own skin with a growing bump. He remained nice and civil with me but no emotion or connection towards the pregnancy. As a result arguments started- mainly from me as I wanted our spark to come back but he would zone out on his phone or not listen. He would openly admit he didn’t want a second child despite her not even being born.
Fast forward and baby now here, he loves her to death, however imo doesn’t contribute a right lot. He will take her if I ask him to, change her nappy and entertain her for a short time, but is so keen to put her down and go on his phone (says it’s work related) or watch tv. I’m just not feeling ‘us’ as a family and arguments have started up again (from me). On a few occasions I have said ‘I am done’ in the hope he would listen and try harder.
After a good conversation he said the spark had gone for him during the pregnancy because of all the arguments, and he didn’t think it would come back despite still loving me. He thinks we have grown apart and I have changed. I said I wanted to work on this spark to which he did agree, I even put suggestions out there in the hope he would follow up on them and atleast try harder in my company but still no motivation at his end- takes himself off to another room and zones out or looks at his phone when I try to talk. I have reassured him that couples can lose a spark and a baby brings a whole different dimension to a relationship, but he still doesn’t appear to put in a lot of effort. We went for a walk the other day and he said there was no conversation, despite me trying the whole time and him giving me very little back. I think he is checked out and we have discussed going separate ways but that’s his decision and not mine. How can he walk out on his newborn and lovely home?
He said he will always love us and do right by our little one and doesn’t want a messy divorce etc, but I don’t get it. I’m still in disbelief it’s come to this. Yes I can be very argumentative and drive him up the wall, but I was pregnant and felt upset by his reaction. Am I being unreasonable here?
He is a good guy deep down, but I can’t help but think something is off here.