Is my husband being abusive ?

[Rachy90]

Hi there.
I have never posted on this before but things have been nagging me and I don't know if I'm overreacting and seeing something that isn't really there or not.
Me and my husband have been married three years and have a 2 year old child.
We are usually happy enough and argue every so often like most couples but it isn't usually too nasty. It feels like it's the same stupid stuff all the time that we bicker about. (Money. House being messy, being tired and the usual)
Every so often when we argue about whatever and he gets angry he nips me.
Just a nip on the arm every now and again and I scream and tell him it's sore and he stops but the point is he has done it more than once over the last couple of years. He did it a few times before and then it stopped for a couple of years and now he has started it again.
We got in a very heated argument a couple of weeks ago and we were shouting at each other and then he raised his foot like he was about to kick me. He didn't act on it but the point was it was like an automatic reaction when angry.

It scared me but we never spoke about it. It happened again last night during an argument and I don't know what to do.
Would you consider this abuse? The nipping has to stop and I have said before but I never mentioned the near kick.
The fact that we have a child makes this even worse I feel.
I love him and I know that he loves me too.

He does a lot for us as a family and would be lost without him. He does thoughtful things for us and I would say we are happy but going through a blip. He lost his dad 2 years ago and they were close and his anger has built since then. I told him that he needed to see a counsellor but hasn't.
His anger has definitely got worse since then.
Can anyone advise on what to do? Is this abuse? Can anyone advise anything on what this is and what to do please?
Thank you

He is abusing you physically, and also from your post it’s clear to see the psychological damage. You are scared of him, and he is escalating - I have a horrible feeling that the physical abuse will get worse and worse, as he seems to be testing the water with how much he can hurt and threaten you. The nips on the arm (assuming you mean a pinch?) are calculating and cold, intended to cause acute pain, rather than a lashing out (which would also not be ok and would also be abuse), which is quite terrifying.

Please contact Women’s Aid, they won’t push you to make any big decisions but can offer support and insight that you might need.

Sending solidarity, you deserve better than someone who assaults and frightens you.

Yes I agree with pp. It is abuse and it is escalating.
I also think you should contact Women's Aid for advice before things get any worse.

Yes this is abuse. Have a look for your local domestic abuse support (or contact women’s aid) and speak to them. I would also consider a Claire’s law request to the police. Has your child seen any of this behaviour? When you say arguments have been abut being tired and the house being messy, how do these start exactly?

Yes of course its abuse. If he did the same to your child, would you consider it abusive then? I'm sure the answer is yes. It's exactly the same when he does it to you. I'm afraid there's only one way to deal with this and it's to get the hell out.

Yes, physical and emotional abuse. The reason he's nice sometimes is to keep you there. If he was horrid all the time, you wouldn't stay, would you? It's a well recognised abusive behaviour pattern.

They don't change as they are usually incapable of accepting responsibility and the abuse will escalate the longer you stay. Don't do this to yourself or your child. It is no way to live.

As PPs have suggested, Women's Aid can help you.

Nipping as in biting or nipping at you with his fingers...not that it matters as both are totally out of order

Yes this is abuse. You are struggling to recognize it because you think that if you have had a loving, intimate, relationship with someone and they frequently say the right things that they belong in a category “not abusive.” This is the “no hitler if he doesn’t have a mustache” model of thinking. Hitker is still hitler even without his mustache. Your abuser is still an abuser even if he sometimes acts nicely

Hi everyone.
I just wanted to say thank you all so much for replying. I needed to speak to people that wouldn't judge and didn't know me or my husband. I think I needed someone to clarify what I was thinking I already. Thank you all. I will speak to my local women's aid for more information and go from there.
Thank you

Well done OP. I’m so glad you’re going to seek support, and so sorry you’re being subjected to this.

Good for you op. Life really is too short to put up with shitty abusive men and crappy relationships. No matter what, abuse is never acceptable. Don't labour under the impression that he loves you...he really doesn't. I bet he doesn't physically assault his boss or a big fella in the local pub. He's chosing to abuse you because he can get away with it and hes a bully. This is never love. Good luck with getting away and forging a new life for yourself.

Well done. It’s really hard to acknowledge what is happening but you are doing the right thing.

This is abuse. If he got in a heated argument with his boss, would he nip him painfully? Or a friend? I would doubt it. It's a way to shut you up and control you.

That type of action isn’t a slap or a punch but in a way is far more sinister. It causes acute pain but is far more of a shock. It is emotionally abusive because you never know when it will happen again.
He may be wonderful and loving when he wants to be, but this behaviour is deeply, deeply disturbing.
It will not get better.
It will only get worse.
And you will become a shell of a person trying to avoid it.
I know you have a young child but it’s early enough in their life, and this marriage, to get out to a place of safety. You do not want to see your your DC witness this.
If you leave now, they won’t, and you can make a fresh start for you both. You both deserve better.

Remember that the only acceptable level
of abuse in a relationship is none. Your relationship with your H is therefore over due to the abuse he meets out. He is also showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here. Abuse is not a relationship issue nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of. Your child cannot afford to grow up seeing you as his/her mother being treated like this.

Honestly thank you all for taking the time to reply and support me. I sincerely appreciate it. You are all wonderful. Thank you

nipping with fingers is something a 2 year old child does

he is an adult and he is physically hurting you
yes he is going to kick you next
then maybe it will be a slap
or a punch

yes you are suffering physical abuse

There's something particularly sinister about pinching someone. It a deliberate action designed to be very painful but leave the least mark, much worse than a slap really. Easy to imagine a slap in the heat of the moment without thinking but a pinch has been thought about, very nasty

@NoNotthatcatagain
Agree. He's thought this through and calculated that it's what he can get away with, for now anyway.
He's right, because you are questioning yourself and asking everyone else.
I don't blame you as I would have done the same. 💐
Raising his leg is Insidious.

My ex raised his hand that way, until he used it.