Feeling stuck

[Anxiousmess23]

This is going to be a long one

Me and my partner have been together for 7 years now. We met when I was only 19 so pretty young. Hes 7 years older than me.

I'm 26 now he's 33, we have a gorgeous little boy. When we met he opened up about his troubles with his illness/disability. He got into a bad accident when he was 16 and long story short it's damaged his hip. He suffers with firbro, AS, and multiple other things.

We moved in together after a year. I moved about 30mins away from my family to be with him. Changed jobs etc.

Im starting to feel as if I've outgrown him maybe? He' never makes any effort to go out as a family. Or even do things by himself. He's very shy and has zero confidence which is obviously since suffering all of these health issues. I'm always the one to take our son out, always on the trains, buses, meeting up with friends/family, taking him to play groups and baby groups by myself. He isn't working atm. I went back to work after 9 months off. I got upset with how things were going months back, I said I wanted a break and didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. He promised to make more effort. I've stopped putting the effort in now. I'm more interested being away from him and taking my son out on my own and hanging out with my friends from work. It's making me so sad. I tried to open up about it again and he got upset and tearful saying he's sorry he doesn't show much affection and love. And how he feels like he's a crap father because he can't do a lot since being in pain 24/7. (I think he's an amazing dad my son loves him so much) And then I crumble and it gets swept under the rug again.

My friends dad has recently bought a house to rent out. I really want to bite the bullet and move out. But everytime I want to talk about it it breaks me seeing him so upset. I feel awful and hate myself. I really need some advice and comforting right now :(
I've spoken to my closest friends about it and they have all said I'd be happier moving away from him. I just find it hard because I do love and care about him but it's getting difficult now

I'm so sorry this is very all over the place and choppy. I just had to get it off my chest

Hi.. Just from what I’ve read it seems as though he might be suffering from low self esteem and possibly depression..?

You also sound like a very outgoing person which he might be struggling to keep up with..?

Its not easy having health issues especially painful ones when you have a young family..

Its also possible as you said that you might have outgrown him but the relationship deserves to be worked on..

Raising a child or children as a single parent is one thing but from the child’s perspective its very very different..

Sit down with your partner and talk openly.. let him feel seen and heard and for you also.. Communication is key.. Discuss how you could help with his pain management or where he might feel comfortable taking your child for a day out.. Maybe public transportation and groups just aren’t his thing..

Hope this helps even if just a little.. Wishing you all the best..

You've outgrown him and you can love someone yet still need to leave them.

Is he on treatment for the AS? Proper treatment like a biologic injection? His health challenges may be causing some depression here. It sounds like it.

Yes he's on symphony injections monthy.
He definitely suffers with depression and anxiety, he's been on medication for that also. It's really sad to hear how he went from being an active child/young adult to this. :(

Hi there, he absolutely suffers with low self esteem and depression. He's on medication for mental health 😔

Yeah i'm very outgoing and want to do lots of things, I never pressure him on coming with, especially the baby groups because he's so quiet and would struggle with talking to other parents there.

He is an amazing dad, how he does it whilst being in pain all the time is admirable. You can see how much love my son has for him and how much he loves being a dad. I tell him all the time how much I think he's such a brilliant father. He tells me I'm a brilliant mum also. 😊

I've sat down with him countless times through the years and tried to get things out in the open and talk things through. I feel as if I have put so much effort into this relationship and not getting a lot back. Again I feel guilty for saying this but it's just how I feel.
We do take our son out together as he has a car etc. I always ask what he feels most comfortable doing and what he can manage that day, and it's always "it's up to you" 🫣 which I find frustrating sometimes.

Thank you for your reply it means a lot x

I left my children's dad 4 years ago. He was a lovely kind human being but he was just not for me. He was horrendous to live with in terms of tidying and cleaning. He was always at snail pace in life. 40 mins to use the toilet sometimes longer. Over an hour for a bath. He never got round to home improvements and I sat there in my early 30s with 2 kids thinking ill never be able to have barbecues or parties or people round. It was a massive problem me trying to raise 2 toddlers and clean up. He started working from home that year and its honestly the worst thing that happened to us because I NEVER got any space. He took over the porch made it into an office he never cleaned. It was right near the living room so I could not relax at all. I could not have a friend over etc because he was working. It also was that it was always me that said we need to paint or let's book a holidays etc.

I rent and live alone. I still go for an occasional day out with him. He's as welcome here as I am there. I'm happier in terms of being a mum and running my own home. I can keep up. People can come round. It's amazing! But its still a big decision. I ended up with someone else and he was abusive. So I'm not sure whether I should have appreciated what I had. His house since I left is a tip. Clutter and mess everywhere. It's sad.

If you aren't happy then you have to ask yourself if you'd be a better mother and person alone. But perhaps talk to him first. It's not his fault he has health issues. But it's also not your job to feel unfulfilled. You can outgrow people. I was 23 when I met my children's dad. Once we became parents I realised.

Have you raised the topic of separation with him..?

Yes I have mentioned a possible break and even live separately as i had said I think we are better parents than being a couple. This was back in April, He broke down in tears saying I didn't love him anymore which I said isn't the case. I will always have love for him he's the father of our child. He also said he couldn't live without me. After that I immediately felt horrendous and felt like a shit person. Since that talk we don't bicker as often. I too struggle mentally so I've been working on not bottling things up but I hate and dread repeatedly bringing this topic up. It hurts me to say these things and it's stings seeing him like that. I brought it up again recently but he got tearful again and apologised. Bought me flowers and it's been pushed back again so I keep feeling stuck x

Nawww… This made me sad.. Its like he hears what your saying but just isn’t capable of physically doing what needs to be done.. I really feel for you.. You sound like you’re doing everything right but I hear the suffering.. I think you should revisit this talk with him and tell him you both have a right to be happy and that your happiness has been pushed to the side for too long.. and if he truly loved you he’d let you go..

Same with him he's so lovely and wouldnt hurt anyone. He's a tidy clean guy and hates mess, which he gets extremely fussy about. He had a go once because I was making a get well soon card for my friend off of the baby in his high chair it a left a very faint stain of yellow paint on there. 🙄

He just seems like he never wants to do things. The majority of the times I'm out with my son he just plays on his pc or xbox.
Because he's so shy and quiet I feel exactly the same as you do. I feel as if I can't invite friends around because he won't sit and have a chat with them. It can come across pretty rude. My friend and her husband asked me and my other friend to come around and they don't a little barbecue and we played cards. It was such a lovely evening. I want to be able to do that. But he never does. :(

You are a switched on sensible person who's looking at the pros and cons. One of the hardest things to learn as an adult is sometimes to become happier ourselves we have to leave people behind who are essentially stopping us getting where we need to be. Kind people tend to stay if we feel it's going to hurt the other person through fear of them falling apart. But you matter too! Like you just said you can't invite friends over.

This summer is the first summer I can finally enjoy sitting outside with my children in a tidy garden. They can play and have so much more attention. I actually acknowledge it in my head and say thank goodness I did this. Because my kids are 6 and 9 now. So how many more years have I got to give them a good childhood? To have these times with them?

Those feelings you have are not to be ignored. Children are only really children for 11 or 12 years. Then they start growing independent. You don't want to regret that you never got to do things how you wanted.

My ex cried. Ignored it. Wanted us to stay living together after we split. It was so exhausting and i know I made him sad. But he's OK he's adapted. It's very sad your partner is in pain. But its also not an easy thing to take on as a partner so young.

It doesn't sound like you're compatible. You want a life and he wants to sit in.
I know you're saying he's a good dad but sitting in and playing Xbox while your partner takes your child out for the day isn't good parenting. Are you supporting him financially? Makes sense he's saying he can't live without you if you are.
I understand chronic illness more than most and I feel for him but this isn't a life for you or your son.
You only get one life and It's so important to be able to live it in the way you want. You've asked him to change and he can't.

It's really sad for everyone. I have had no choice but to remain alone because of various health struggles. It's no one's fault - you can't blame a partner for finding it too much either. If he's a decent person just do it as gently as possible, which I'm sure you will.

As cruel as this is, I wonder how many men would think twice about leaving? We all know most men would not stick around if illness meant they were getting less and less needs met.

It will be worth factoring in how your husband will manage co parenting on his own. You'll have to be realistic as to how this will work.

Hi OP, something tells me that this relationship is worth saving. Changing/'outgrowing' partners is common after having children. He adores your son and is kind to you. Don't make any major decisions re separating.
Take care