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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just offloading...any ideas?

24 replies

muminamuddle · 16/04/2008 08:29

I am really wanting a shoulder to cry on here and a bit of empathy!

A few months back, I was contacted by someone I knew vaguely from years back at work. He lives miles away. Wife has left him (YES that is true.) Doesn't know if she will be back. Gave lots of TLC by phone and email- got very close. Opened up and discussed lots of stuff that was very intimate to me, and felt we were true close friends- and there was a hint that it might be more. He certainly said enough to make me think that.
Have met, but not able to much cos of the distance. I thought he wanted more, but he has said categorically not, as I am in a relationship- which is just a shell really- stayed for the kids. He has backed off- still in contact but not nearly so much and I know he is seeing other women who mainly just want a bit of fun. When I mentioned him not contacting me so often, he denied it and made excuses. I feel hurt. Serves me right, you might say! I want to keep him as a friend, as I do care about him - would you tell him that you feel hurt, when it could jeopodise what is left?

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 16/04/2008 08:35

I think it makes sense for him to back off, and you should do that too. If you aren't happy in your relationship, sort it out. There's no point in staying for the kids - particularly not if you shag around.

Original poster

muminamuddle · 16/04/2008 08:38

I have never ever shagged around, thanks. I wasn't looking for judgment- I was looking for advice. Life isn't always so black and white as you make out.

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NotQuiteCockney · 16/04/2008 08:42

I didn't think you had - but it sounds as if you want to have an affair with this bloke.

Better to devote your emotional energy and TLC to fixing your marriage or getting out of it, imo.

It sounds as if he wants to devote his energy and time to women who are available, sensibly enough.

(Anyway, having presumably just got out of a long-term relationship, I doubt he'd be looking for a serious relationship anyway.)

CarGirl · 16/04/2008 08:43

My advice would be to make a decision on your marriage/relationship emotional affairs are still affairs if they continue on and on. Sorry you have been hurt, decide what you want to do with your life otherwise you will be vulnerable to the next person who comes along and confides in you.

dejags · 16/04/2008 08:45

Agree with NQC!

SlartyBartFast · 16/04/2008 08:46

tough as it is nqc gives good advice here.
think about why you would want to have the relationship with this bloke?

tohelp you escape from your shell of a marriage?
escape to a bloke who is "on the rebound" possibly?

Original poster

muminamuddle · 16/04/2008 08:51

You are right- but my question was, do I say I have been hurt by being led-on, and basically dumped, or keep my mouth shut?

I am not asking for advice on what to do with my marriage etc. In a perfect world, we'd all leave one man before embarking on something else, true- but life isn't always like that is it?

Please don't post if you just want to judge me. I don't want to post everything about my marriage here, or this guy either, so no-one really knows everything about what I am in. I always think long and hard before posting on MN as sometimes the answers are very critical. I think we should be able to help one another with emotional things without being judge and jury.

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SlartyBartFast · 16/04/2008 08:52

hmm.
perhaps he got cold feet and as you say just wants to have fun

SlartyBartFast · 16/04/2008 08:54

so sod him,
i know you are hurt but perhaps he didn't want that responsibility

NotQuiteCockney · 16/04/2008 08:55

Maybe he got in touch thinking you might be single?

Possibly his wife left him for someone else, and he doesn't want to be part of making that happen to someone else?

Possibly he thought you were safe to be intimate etc with because you weren't available, and hence nothing could happen. So he could try to work around being attracted to or intimate with a woman other than his wife, in a low-risk environment?

wannaBe · 16/04/2008 08:56

well he sounds like a decent bloke if he doesn't want anything from you because you're in a relationship.

Imo you have no right to be hurt that he is seeing other women. He is available, you are not.

And really maybe he doesn't want to fall for the "the relationship is only a shell, only there for the kids" line.

If your relationship is over in your mind, then end it. And then, and only then, should you consider pursuing other opportunities.

wannaBe · 16/04/2008 09:00

and yes I realize things aren't always black and white, and that it's possible to fall for someone else while still in a relationship, but if the person you fall for then doesn't want to know they cannot be held responsible.

would you shag a married man? knowing that he was going home to his wife and children after? a wife who potentially didn't even know there was a problem? After all it's one thing telling someone your relationship is that in name only, but most of us know that that's usually just a line people spin to gain the sympathies of the person they are trying to seduce.

Original poster

muminamuddle · 16/04/2008 09:01

Perhaps I should make it clear that I have never given him the come-on, in any shape or form. However, things happened in my head which made me think it could possibly be more, based on a few things he said. I am angry with myself that I got caught up in his intensity and now he has backed off and left me feeling rather used.

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BEAUTlFUL · 16/04/2008 09:02

Don't tell him you feel hurt. Why would you want him to know that? It won't change his behaviour, unless to make him call you a couple of times out of guilt.

He wanted a shoulder to cry on. Forget his words, his actions are what count and his weren't all that impressive, only seeing you a couple of times.

Original poster

muminamuddle · 16/04/2008 09:09

Thanks Beautiful- you are the only one who has answered my question- I don't need a slap over whether I should behalf-looking, or what to do with my husband- I just want to knowhow to handle my feelings of being cast aside when he has moved onto pastures new!

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BEAUTlFUL · 16/04/2008 11:14

I once read that we should try not to be a man's first relationship after his marriage/long-term relationship has ended. That he can use us to boost his confidence again, then go on to enjoy other women women who never saw him at his low point with renewed self-esteem.

I think you blew it a bit by giving his emotions so much attention, to be brutally honest. All those loooong chats about his feelings - eek. Tempting to do, but it just makes him see you as a sort of mother figure. I bet you poured your heart out too, and it all got a bit much.

Men prefer it when we keep things very light, very non-commital. Then they're the ones begging us to show our feelings.

Onwards and upwards!

SlartyBartFast · 16/04/2008 11:17

somebody said something "on here" the other day re similar situation.
basically would you want him to have a relationship with you that was based on him offloading to you.
and vice versa.
wouldnt you prefer a relationship that didnt involve such and actually was FUN

SlartyBartFast · 16/04/2008 11:27

try the slaganon threads for people who have had their fingers burnt, some more than otehrs.

rascalboys · 16/04/2008 11:38

Hi mum in a muddle. Just wanted to give you my experience, as hopefully it will help you.

Around last Christmas I bumped into a man I knew from almost 20 years ago . Basically, I was a teenager at the time (he was about 6 years older), he was in a relationship and had a child so although I really really had a massive crush on him at the time and spent months and months getting over him (we did have a fling back then but it was obviously not going to go anywhere), I walked away. We worked together but shortly after he left, and then I did.

So...years down the line, I'm married with 2 DC's, he has 2 DC's also but is now single. We bump into each other, everything is lovely, we have massive chats, DH knows all about it, he's fine with it. Then it moves on to how we should have got together back then, how we both regret we didn't, that he had been searching for me for years but didn't know where to start (he lives miles away now too - we have both moved away), we ended up getting quite emotional. And that was it, end of our friendship. We had a short affair, which left me feeling so bad, I can't believe I jeopardised what I had with DH.

To cut it short, I have spent the last few weeks in turmoil but am now slowly getting better, getting over him so to speak. I think I spent the best part of 20 years wondering about him, what if etc. Now I have spent time with him, he isn't as great as I remember him to be He has been on at me about leaving DH (which I would never do - and he knows that). It all got complicated and scary.

Please just be careful as I really wish I'd not gone there in the first place. Oh, and I am on slaganon thread if you want to come and talk to us! Take care xx

Original poster

muminamuddle · 16/04/2008 11:56

Thanks rascalboys and beautiful, again. I think what I need help with is that I got in too deep, reading more into it than perhaps was there, but also finding it hard to accept that the friendship I thought we had built up is not as deep or sincere as I thought it was. Maybe he realises that to keep it up at that pace would be looking for trouble. who knows. Maybe he regrets pouring his heart out,as I then take that to imply we have some sort of bond, which he doesn't want - I don't know. All I know is that if a girlfriend off-loaded very intensely and said nice things about me, then moved on quite quickly, I'd feel a bit hurt- it's the same with a guy.

rascalboys- I hope you get over it. I know how you feel and it takes time.

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rascalboys · 16/04/2008 12:00

thanks m-i-a-m. Maybe this man does feel the same as you but finds it hard to deal with the fact that you are in a relationship, so he has to back away slightly?

Original poster

muminamuddle · 16/04/2008 12:36

rascalboys -I think he realises that it could be more than he wants or could handle. I think he has had 2nd thoughts over something he started and was running away from him slightly, as I have been very attentive. However, i am all for plain speaking and would rather he said that, rather than letting me work it out for myself!

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rascalboys · 16/04/2008 12:43

yes, I hate mind games too, I am very straight to the point! Whereas he would leave me guessing how he was feeling. This all helped me get over him though, which was good!

Then again, I will never understand men....

CountessDracula · 16/04/2008 12:52

I don't think he will take the idea of a relationship with you seriously if you are married. Clearly if you are so unhappy but have not left your husband then the likelihood is you won't. Why should he risk getting hurt again by getting in deep with you?

I know you don't want advice on it but if you want to form other relationships you can't expect people to commit to you if you are still married and living with your husband.

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