Feeling sad about friends reaction to my pregnancy

[Violetsforroses]

I have a friend who I consider, or used to consider, one of my best friends. We lived together for a few years and went travelling together a couple of years ago, we don’t see each other as much anymore but still message/voice note a lot. When I got engaged to my now DH she suddenly became very distant, this wasn’t (I really don’t believe) because she dislikes DH or because I was suddenly engagement/wedding obsessed, if anything I sensed she didn’t want to talk about it so I didn’t. Despite this she was a bridesmaid at my wedding although a week before the wedding she messaged to ask if she could leave after the ceremony and come back later so she could go to (easily rearrange able) appointment, I thought this was a bit hurtful and she agreed to rearrange the appointment. I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and when I messaged to tell her this she said ‘oh congrats :)’ - no follow up or asking how I was feeling etc etc. It threw me as I was excited to tell her, and made me reflect on our friendship, since I got engaged basically it’s been me reaching out and suggesting things to do and her telling me she is busy. We had arranged to go on a walk this week and I messaged her to ask if she was still free and she said she’s a bit busy (but we had already made a plan!) She is in a long term relationship but her boyfriend doesn’t want kids and she does, I understand in this situation it can be really difficult hearing about people’s weddings/pregnancy announcements all the time and she may just be protecting herself, but I really feel she is in some way punishing me for having these things and it’s making me feel awful. I don’t know whether to just give her some space and see if she reaches out or ask her if I have done something to upset her?

Congratulations!

I would imagine she's finding it very difficult and not thinking about your feelings to her reaction. I don't think she's trying to punish you deliberately.

She really needs to get out of that relationship and find someone who does want children.

It sounds possible that rather than trying to punish you, she may be distancing to protect herself. If there’s a chance you can’t be a Mum, but desperately want to be, it can be really painful to be around happily pregnant people, no matter how close you are. It doesn’t sound like she’s being unkind, maybe just can’t cope so is quietly trying to keep a distance. Go and enjoy your pregnancy, your happiness in this doesn’t depend on her feelings or actions. Keep the lines of communication open and in time she may be in a better place.

Hi op!
Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy!!

It really sounds like you and your friend are at different life stages, she's not engaged or planned a wedding isn't expecting so her reactions may not be the same as someone who has gone through these life events themselves

I remember when I was pregnant at first and started to tell people and had very little reaction from my friends who were still in party girls stage and a more removed friend who was pregnant at the time was absolutely ecstatic and cried for me with joy!

Maybe she's just not at the same place in life as you so finds it hard to relate?

She finds it difficult to be pleased for you because she hasn't the opportunities you have

If you need people around you who are happy for you, I'd suggest it's not her!

Congratulations!

I had a best friend and bridesmaid with a similar situation. I let her be, it had nothing to do with me and it was about her feelings and how her life wasn’t going as she planned.

It’s hard to be happy for a friend when they have everything you want (marriage and babies). I understood this and gave her space. Our relationship never really picked up again and she still doesnt have kids.

I can guarantee it’s nothing to do with you. She’s just sad for herself.

It’s because she’s losing you - to a man, a wedding, a baby…and none of that is relevant to her. Every step makes it less likely you’ll be dancing together on a beach in Bali or riding the trans Siberia express. For a lot of people, and I include my younger self here, if you’re not interested in babies all the baby talk becomes quite tedious. So that’s probably something she wants to stay away from. Friendships ebb and flow - in a few years she may have one and you’ll be best buddies again.

Congratulations op!
I honestly wouldn’t overthink it. I have children and my close friend doesn’t yet, she didn’t show much interest when I was expecting, but now the dc are a little older, she will ask after them! People are different! I guess not all women are interested. You could ask her outright, but i bet she will come round in time. In your shoes I wouldn’t (and didn’t at the time) make a big deal of it! All was fine in the end. What ever she’s feeling she will work through it!

Possibly one of two scenarios.

She doesn't relate to the way your life is going, settling down etc. And is happy with her path in life.

Or there is something about your life that makes her upset.

No one is right or wrong here. It's just how friendships go sometimes.

Is anyone else feeling just insanely hungry all the time? Honestly it’s making me think I could have gestational diabetes or something! I eat and then an hour later I’m starving again.

Sorry, meant to post this elsewhere!!

thanks everyone for your replies

It can be incredibly hard when a close friend - no matter how much you love and value their friendship - is living the life you so desperately want but can't - even more so when it's dictated by the man she is with. Inevitably and sadly I would think your friendship may fade - it's nothing you have done x

She’s in the wrong relationship it sounds like. Perhaps your happiness is reminding her that she isn’t going to have what she wants in her current situation. Do you have the type of relationship where you can ask her about this? Tell her you feel she has been distant lately is anything going on?
And yes, hunger very normal! I used to wake up during the night ravenous. So much so I had to keep cereal bars beside my bed

From a happily child free woman (with
possible Asperger's): Is it socially a duty to react with interest and enthusiasm to someone else being pregnant?
Only slightly joking.

I don’t think she’s punishing you, in fact I don’t think it’s all about you at all, its about her and wrestling with her own feelings on her own situation.

i notice you give little thought to her feelings.and maybe she does the same to you. Which doesn’t make it a friendship. More a relationship of convenience.

No, I don’t think it is!
I’ve congratulated people on their news but never gone OTT, asking them how they feel etc,etc

Well OP if she wants children and it isn't on the cards at the moment then clearly hearing about your pregnancy might not be easy for her. Why would you assume she wants to punish you?

I don't mean to be harsh but it's comment especially when pregnant the first time to think everyone should be in awe but it's not all about and not everyone is interested in the ins and outs of your pregnancy. If you're happy then just enjoy it. If your friend doesn't reach out and this bothers you then leave her be.

No I do think so. Some people seem to expect that but I've always struggled to muster the enthusiasm for other peoples pregnancies and I have two children. I also have possible ASD!

I can understand her feelings about your pregnancy given that she's in a relationship with someone who doesn't want children. However, that's for her to address and if she's choosing to stay with someone who can't give her what she wants then that's her lookout. I think the way she behaved over your wedding is disgusting and that would have me questioning the friendship if I were in your situation.

Possibly some feelings like this going on https://youtube.com/shorts/wzh0W8aW_G8?si=fmjsyFt6Mu8Rsmnh

I've struggled with this and tried to be happy for others but would normally come home and cry afterwards.
It's difficult and even now I don't want to hold babies so try and avoid it as much as I politely can.
Best wishes in your pregnancy x

Congratulations OP.

I think your friend is setting her own boundaries to protect her own mental health and that’s perfectly ok, I wish more people did it more often.

She hasn’t been open with you about it, do you have any thoughts why that might be? Maybe she’s concerned about how you’d react if she told you she needed to distance herself? Especially if she maybe dislikes confrontation.