Just need to get things off my chest and vent before I go mad!
My elderly DM (81) has always been a difficult person. I (F49) have a mother that complains, is negative about most things and likes everything to be about her. We have had some arguments over this and her behaviour in the past. She can be controlling and manipulative at times. She is also lonely but only really wants me, full of anxiety and frustration that she can’t do what she did in her younger days. She can’t make any decisions for herself and lacks confidence. Whilst I try to understand these emotions and offer advice and help, she rarely does anything to improve her situation. She has no social interactions but this is at her choosing. She is independent and lives alone and just has some aging medical issues.
My DD and DM are divorced after 30 years. They are amicable but don’t see each other very often. DD likes it this way! Mum tries to control him under the disguise of helping but he prefers life without her company. Of course, she doesn’t know this! Dad is completely different to my DM and easy to get along with.
DD has been in hospital for over 3 months. Many times in and out of ICU due to a fall and severe brain bleed. He is very poorly. I am their only child. I have been on the biggest emotional rollercoaster ride in my life and I am still trying to navigate it even though DD is out of ICU and showing signs of recovery. It’s a changeable situation I
So my rant is this…………it’s long!!!
DM accompanied me to the hospital, everyday in the beginning. She said it was to be there for me but her behaviour was so difficult to deal with. She kept referring to herself as my DD’s “best friend” to everyone which is not true at all! It was because she didn’t want to say “ex.wife”. She thought the consultants would wonder why she was at the hospital. My DD was critical and we were talking about ending his life and it was still about her and what people thought about her!
She kept saying that there was no real hope for him, negative talk in such emotional circumstances. She talked over the top of the consultants all the time in very sensitive discussions, to the point when I had to ask her to allow me to listen (then she got upset with me). When DD became more alert, she talked about how ill she had been, showed him burns on her hands front the oven and talked at him non-stop. My DD had delirium and he would get frustrated with her as it must feel overwhelming and she would cry and tell me she wasn’t visiting anymore.
A number of times she said the nurses weren’t looking after him. I had no complaints at all❤️ and was visiting every day. She kept saying they were just standing around chatting. She didn’t agree with this or that. I told her to speak to someone in charge if this is how she felt so she called them and messaged me with the whole sorry story. I was so embarrassed so just said “at least you got it off your chest”.
On a visit to ICU in the beginning, she even told me, walking down the core to the room, that she knows it’s not just me in my DD will!!! What a time to mention it!! (She was referring to my half brother being included in it and this pleased her no end)
Even after one gruelling hospital visit, leaving numb and upset, she still wanted me to take her to the supermarket for her shopping! Despite my half brother visiting her 1 day before and having done her some shopping.
My half brother lives 3 hours away. He visits once/twice a year. We don’t get on. He is just like DM. He told me he didn’t want anything to do with me because I didn’t answer a text message he sent me. He uses a platform that I don’t use. I downloaded it but changed phones and hadn’t set it back up straight away. His messages were not urgent and he has my telephone number. He proper went to town on me and I took the opportunity to give him what he wanted and walked away, relieved. My DD and my DH all agreed that it was best. My DD and my half brother don’t get on because my step brother brought a lot of trouble to the family when he was younger. He has never worked and did nothing to contribute. My DM always made excuses for his behaviour.
DM likes to tell me that my 1/2 B has asked about my DD and hopes he is okay. I shouldn’t forget that he was in his life since he was 7 years old. I don’t know why she feels she has to say this. He has not once picked the phone up to tell me himself. How can someone just standby and not reach out to offer kind words of support regardless of what has happened. It’s not like he stopped speaking to me over anything remotely serious! Just when you think a crisis can bring people together, it just drives them further apart.
All of this has built up…. I have not been anywhere with my DH and DD (12). I decided to have a break and we went on a night away and had the best time. When I got back I sent a quick message to DM saying we were back safe and had a good time. No response which is unlike her. Usually she is messaging me often . I know my DM and so messaged her the next day to test the water as I could feel she was giving me the cold shoulder. The reply was cold, complaining that she hadn’t eaten well over the last few days. Every light hearted thing I typed was met with negative responses and complaints. She never once asked how we were or what we had done on our night away or asked about DD.
I can’t help but feel that she is missing the limelight and that because she isn’t getting all my attention, she feels jealous and angry. She told me she will only be visiting the hospital occasionally now as it too upsetting. I am fine with this but again, it’s all about her feelings. She really doesn’t care too much about mine. So I am sat here, overthinking, overwhelmed and tired of all this nonsense. My DD is going to need help possibly for the rest of his life. His life is different and so is mine. Why is my DM trying to make this harder? What should I do!