Am I being phased out ?

[Matt0101]

Hi, I’ve been in a long distance relationship for over three years and it’s been fantastic, everything I could have dreamed of but just when I’m finalising things and getting ready to move in with my partner things appear to have started to change. My partner has recently said that she still considers herself as a single mum and when I’m not about she’s put me out of her mind as it makes it easier to handle, if I message her she mostly starts her reply with a comment about how she’s either too busy to talk or is doing or is about to do something so she can’t be long, if we do talk the conversation is usually wrapped up in minutes and I sense her need to get off the phone. Recently these conversations are happening later and later in the day so they have become short due to the lateness of the call. I’ve also noticed how she’s forgetting to mention important things to me and recently whilst out on family days she’s stated to take selfies with her boys but is excluding me.
The thing is in between these things she’ll talk about long term plans for us and acts like there’s no issues. She once told me that if she was unhappy she’d mention it twice to the person and if they didn’t change their ways she’d walk. I’ve mention this to her twice now and things haven’t improved. I love her but this is making me miserable, am I overreacting ?

You're not over reacting, sounds like she's withdrawing. Maybe she's worrying about you moving in though, it's all becoming real suddenly? Must be very tricky to think about actually moving someone in when you have kids. I would try a really frank conversation.

She’s retreating. Sorry, OP.

I'd agree. She's retreating.

At a very distant push, I'd wonder if she's just got used to you being in her life and is taking you for granted.

When you've spoken to her about this has she given excuses to justify her behaviour or seemed genuinely surprised?

I'd feel really hurt if someone I was in a relationship actually said to me they push me out of their mind when I wasn't around. For me, that would tell me exactly what they think of me really and I'd be the one calling it a day.

@DatingDinosaur The first time I mentioned it she was surprised but then gave a list of reasons why she'd probably been distant, all of them valid but things only improved for a short while before reverting back, more recently no reasons more just critical of how I'd mentioned it. The putting me out of her mind remark was hurtful, surely after a while your feelings would change for good wouldn't they? Now I have this late calls to contend with, we used to talk earlier whereas now its sometimes close to 11pm so it lasts minutes, that's all. I feel irrelevant but I also feel like I'm being needy, it seems that everything comes before us and I'm about to put everything into this relationship. I've been hoping things would improve, maybe she's got tired of waiting,

"I'm about to put everything into this relationship"

I honestly wouldn't.

I'd match her enthusiasm.

You're bound to feel needy - because you like her, but she's not behaving like someone who feels the same way.

If she got tired of waiting she would be behaving differently. Behaving more like someone who wanted to be in a relationship and was frustrated that it wasn't going as quickly or the way she wanted, rather than dismissing you 'out of sight, out of mind' and reducing phone calls/contact to as late as possible for as short a time as possible.

People that take pictures of themselves with the children without including their partner is always a big sign of relationship on the rocks for me. I say this because whenever I have noticed my friends sharing such pictures, they have either privately confided to live separate lives, or divorced soon after.

Sorry mate, it doesn't look good. I would sit down for a proper serious conversation with her, not blaming/ presenting evidence, but asking what she is really feeling and creating an enviornment where she can open up, not deny on autopilot that something is wrong.

@DatingDinosaur matching her enthusiasm had crossed my mind, but its hard to do. having typed all this out has made me realise just how bad its all got, its also made me remember other things that I cant really go into here.. @ElleintheWoods the selfie moments really hit me, I should have said something at the time, I really am screwed

Is the selfie thing new or has she always done it that way? I'm asking as I'm a single parent and also tend to have pictures alone with my kids (as well as pics with partner).

I've been with him 2.5 years and would still class myself as a single parent until we move in together (if we do). Personay I take single parent to mean you're solely responsible for parenting, both physically, emotionally and financially. As you are long distance I presume you don't contribute massively to parenting? If so she probably is a single parent (although not a single person). DP and I have argued about this terminology before as he takes it as me saying I'm "single"

When I'm busiest/most stressed with parenting, working, general life I sometimes (unfairly) resent the imbalance with my DP as he has very little responsibility in comparison. Logically I know this isn't fair as he does not have children but I do tend to withdraw a bit and want my own space rather than chatting to him in his free time while I have a million and one things to do before I can get to bed.

Very aware this is completely unfair/illogical and I try to be mindful of it, but I do bottle it up and tend to retreat. Just a POV from the other side!