“We’re moving too fast” - going out my mind with my ex-DP

[sweetiguessso]

I’m so confused and unsure what I need to do after being told this by my ex-DP last week.

We were engaged in 2021 and we broke up at the end of 2021. The engagement ended as we had an argument where he called me manipulative and selfish (I wasn’t being that at all) and I refused to apologise. He contacted me periodically from 2022 until 2023 when I cut contact for good.

he contacted me in April and I told him I didn’t want to contact him as we are going round in circles and living in the past. He said he disagreed with me and begged to see me, I declined and said we both needed to move on.

He came back at the start of July this year saying losing me was his biggest regret, apologised for how he treated me and his behaviour, took accountability of ruining a perfectly nice relationship and said he had been to extensive therapy to work out why he did this. I was adamant at the beginning that we needed to take things very slowly and that I needed to see that things had changed before we even thought about giving it another go.

I said to him that this was make or break - we can’t keep dipping in and out of each others lives like this.

He routinely planned things for us to do since that point and made a real effort to show he was serious. He said he couldn’t remember a time he’d been this happy.

His personality has changed in both good and bad ways since we were engaged, he does have a lot more insight into his problematic behaviours but he has also started drinking excessively which I don’t particularly like. So I have had a wall up I guess.

Last week he just started being less responsive so I asked him if everything was okay. He said

“I just keep thinking about what I want and I am confused a lot because I love spending time with you and appreciate you so much but I think we are moving very quickly. Let’s talk about it more when we next see each other”

For me, that’s it. I’m sick of discussing a relationship instead of being in it and enjoying it. I don’t want to see him again if he’s not sure. Am I being unfair? I don’t think we are moving particularly fast at all, a few meet ups and one overnight stay together in a month and a half.

I just wanted to see if anyone of you amazing MNers could give some wisdom (to someone who should know better!!!)

Sometimes there's just too much water under the bridge and it's hard to let go of the baggage. It can be hard to give someone the benefit of the doubt because you already feel like they've 'used up' all their good will. Him saying he feels like its moving too fast doesn't seem like a horrendous thing to say (if that's how he feels) but equally I can understand your frustration given what's happened before. The fact you immediately want to end it probably means you are not really that invested in making this work (I don't mean that as a criticism). It sounds like you need to call it a day, based on this brief overview.

It sounds emotionally exhausting. I wouldn't waste any more of your life on this.

OP, he's a loser that is taking years from your life.
When are you going to wake up to this.
He is suiting himself until he meets someone better.
It's hard and painful but absolutely the truth.
Stop allowing him to make an absolute fool of you.
Stop believing his bullshit.

Actions not words, always.
That is all any wise woman believes.
Not the bullshit men can spout.
But their actions.

If he is excessively drinking it doesn't sound like he is prioritizing you or your relationship. Id say quit now before you get tied down.

I don't think he knows what he wants but I'm sorry to say it isn't definitively, enthusiastically and without fannying about, relationship with you which is what you deserve. I would end this in a manner completely final and free of his amateur dramatics, wish him well and let him know this is your final decision. He'll waste years otherwise and I hate to say it, sounds the type to get distracted elsewhere because he doesn't know if he's in or out. Make the decision to onky accept full measures.

This stage of a relationship should be fun and care free- not heavy and serious.

I think that he doesn’t know what he wants and shouldn’t be in a relationship. As a pp said, there’s too much water under the bridge so it’s best to leave things in the past. He’s playing with your feelings and that’s just cruel. You’re not right for each other and that’s ok

He's what known as a head fuck. Never know what they want and mess around people whilst they go backwards and forwards. Don't let him do it another minute.

Tell him not to bother to come to discuss it. Tell him you are nobodies crumbs. End it today.

I was interested in making it work, I do really love him, but I can’t keep thinking that any time he goes quiet or distant he’s about to end it. I am not like that. I am independent and have always had relationships that were easy and slotted into my life. I feel like this situation has given me so much anxiety for nothing

Don't let him mess you around with your head any more. This really isn't going to work, however fond you are of him, and I'd be telling him to get lost once and for all.

Then I think you have your answer. Good relationships enrich your life, it doesn't sound like he enriches yours enough OP.

You want wisdom? Go ask in the Alcohol Support section. They can tell you better than any of us what to do (but I'm guessing "run for your fucking life" will be the top suggestion).

but he has also started drinking excessively

Given that he has form for crawling back and contacting you every few months ( probably matched by the times he's been dumped by his latest thing), I think once you've ended it, it would be wise to block him for good so you can move on.
It is quite possible that he falls back to you when it goes wrong with others just because you have been willing to give him the time of day again. Don't become his backup plan, you know you are worth more than that.
He does sound like a loser if he's drinking heavily, it's almost as if the therapy he's had, has done nothing for him and he's going backwards (or maybe he lied about therapy?) He wouldn't be the first man to say anything that they know the other person wants to hear, rather than the truth, in order to get back with them.