Lifestyle choices/money

[Shortperson]

I’ve known my boyfriend/partner for about two years, first as a friend and in the last 6 months it’s become more serious and he wants to marry me. He is a kind man and would do anything I ask of him. We have some good times together.

He has a bit of history but, at our age (68 and 58…who hasn’t) I’ve been married and divorced and he twice married and divorced, we both have children. He’s met mine but I’ve not met his, nor his family. I’ve met a couple of his friends.

when we met he was living in his flat and me in my house (i own) but he had to leave his home and move into a caravan which he does not pay for, I’ve no idea why. He has his own business but pays for everything in cash. His business is not doing well so we don’t have holidays but do have meals out which he always pays for, I’m retired and on a limited income but I do cook for us more and more to save money on eating out.

He has had some chronic illness (overweight, high cholesterol and gout) which I’ve supported him with but he refuses to take medication for the cholesterol. He’s losing weight and the gout has gone. It makes him tired and he falls asleep a lot on my settee.

He does not stay with me although he’d like to although, I like my own space but, I’m getting used to him being with me more and more at my place. He is very easy going and does a lot to help me.

We get on well and care for each other.

I have a hobby which I love, I’ve done it for years and now he’s joined me. This has to be paid for on a monthly basis, we hope to go on a holiday next year doing this hobby. I pay for everything online (including the holiday deposit) we do socially together which can mount up, he does not own a computer and says he’ll give me cash but I have to wait for it and I sometimes go overdrawn with my bank. I find this stressful and have asked him for his share but he says I have to wait until he gets money from his business. I’ve asked for the money in advance but he says he’ll pay me once I’ve paid online.

Ive been on my own for years and have enjoyed my life as it is/was and I’m worried what my life would be like if we married. I still want him in my life but I do like living on my own. I’m not sure he’d stay if he thought there was no future for him. I would guess living in a caravan is not good for him either….

i know nothing about his finances other than his second wife took all of his money.

Should I be worried?

Yes you should be worried,he's looking to you to take care of him in his old age and at your expense.This is the reason for locking you down so quickly with an offer of marriage as though he's a prize.He has nothing to offer and you know very little about him or his finances, the only business he has got,is scamming you out of everything you have.Do not marry him ,dump and run as fast as you can.

i know nothing about his finances other than his second wife took all of his money. Yes, of course she did

This would be a total non starter for me I'm afraid OP. By all means continue to date, do shared hobby etc but stop paying for him.

This man sounds like trouble. Sorry, OP.

Yes you should be worried. The not paying you until you've paid online is a red flag. The fact that you're going overdrawn to help him out is also a red flag.

Stop both those things and do not let him move in.

Honestly OP is this really what you want for the rest of your life?

Sorry to sound harsh but you’re basically a nurse with a purse and he’s a potential cocklodger. Do not marry this man and give him access to your assets

Are you 58 or 68? Not that it’s majorly important because which ever this isn’t a life to settle for when you’ve got good years left

Yes. Be worried. I think the Mumsnet term for this kind of man is "cocklodger".

He's getting his feet under your table so he has, rent free accommodation, meals cooked for him, no doubt laundry done, and a possible live-in carer when the health conditions he's ignoring at the moment come to a head (stroke/heart attack).

He might be lovely and he might be helpful but is he? Is he really?

I’ve asked for the money in advance but he says he’ll pay me once I’ve paid online.

So why do you continue to pay?

I'd certainly not be subsidising him and definitely not getting married.

You would literally be gifting him half your house. Do not do it!

Maybe I’m cynical but you knew him as a friend first - do you think he saw you’re generous and had your own home and made his move because of that? Wanting to rush into marriage at your ages and after he’s twice divorced would have alarm bells ringing for me

Fair chance he's bankrupt or on an iva and payments are being taken out of his salary, hence cash that won't be going through the books.

This isn't a reason to end your relationship if you don't want to but it's a reason to have good solid boundaries. The tardiness in returning money is concerning though, tell him you will not pay for him and if it means he can't do it then that's that. That is a perfectly reasonable boundary.

Echo what everyone else is saying are big warning signs, especially combined with not meeting his kids or family.
He is definitely looking for a home and financial support. Once he has that through marriage I suspect he will stop making any effort in the relationship.