SIL drama - to be the bigger person?

[gentlemum]

My family's relationship with my SIL (my brother's wife) has been tricky from the very beginning. We've only ever been nice and welcomed her with open arms but she obviously decided she didn't like us and that was that. She never seems to want to see us but will reluctantly come to some family gatherings, though not all and will have rubbish excuses like she's doing the ironing. She's an only child and has always been very spoilt and is clearly used to getting her own way. She demanded my brother move in with her after 6 months together otherwise their relationship was over, and she has continued to control him and the relationship ever since. They do loads of stuff with her family and friends but when we ask my brother to meet up he always finds an excuse and when I ask my SIL to meet up she flat out ignores my message.

Last year they had their first child and we've got two young children and I really want them to know their cousin. I grew up not knowing my cousins and always thought that was really sad so don't want the same for my children. So we've been making even more of an effort but the relationship seems to have got worse. My SIL has said she is jealous of the relationship my mum has with my children and not with hers, though my mum doesn't often see that grandchild so it's hard to have the same relationship. It's got to a point where SIL is now completely ignoring me and has been avoiding family gatherings so as not to see us. I've messaged her to say it would be nice to chat about any issues and catch up and she's ignored me. I've tried speaking to my brother but he gets extremely defensive and quite nasty towards me.

I don't know what to do next. My mum is of the opinion I should be the bigger person and just accept that's how it is and not say anything about it. She thinks when we do see them at family gatherings I should act normal and like nothing has happened and just be happy with any time we do get to see them. I really struggle with this, it seems very fake and it's upsetting that we can be treated like we are but we just carry on as if it isn't happening. But I do want our children to have a relationship, though that's not happening anyway as any effort to meet up is declined or ignored. Any opinions or advice on where to go next would be appreciated!

I don't see what you can do. Just be polite if you see them. They don't want to talk about anything, you can't force a relationship. Your mum is right

Its hard but let it go. Youve done as much as you can for your relationship and the children. You cant force these things. Rise above it

Let it go. You are different people. Don't dance around the most difficult person in the room.

By the way, she might just be a bit of a bitch and this is in no way related to being an only child. That's a stereotype that seriously needs to die.

I'm with your mum.

Why are you focusing on your sil rather than your dB?

It's up to your db to organise and facilitate meet ups with your family. Sounds like he can't be arsed.

Tbh you were also pretty offensive about her being an only child. Then you say your brother was forced to move in with her. He sounds like a wet lettuce then.

She may be spoiled and used to getting her own way, but please don't start with the 'Oh she's an only child and that explains it' nonsense.

You have no idea how insulting that attitude is to people.

Thank you for the opinions. Seems pretty clear cut that I should let it go so I will accept their stance on family and stop trying to push things.

Sorry to those who I offended saying she's a spoilt only child, I didn't mean to offend. I only said it because she has admitted herself being spoilt and wants her child to be an only child also so they can also be spoilt like she was. She was very much spoilt by her parents, though I know that does not mean everyone who is an only child is spoilt.

I hate to say it, but you sound like you've a major attitude towards your SIL. Even that you'd to mention the part about your DB being "forced to move in with her." I get that you're trying to paint a picture of her and give examples, but I think you are very negative about her in general, about her being an only child, spoiled etc. She's probably picking up on your attitude towards her TBH. Move on with your life, be polite when you meet her. You don't need to be enmeshed together. You're obviously not going to be friends. Leave it at that.

If they only had their first child last year then it’s still a baby and too young to play with your young children.

I was the first of my friends to have a baby so didn’t experience this but friends who had babies after me found it stressful in the early months when people, even siblings, brought their toddlers and small children round because they were unintentionally clumsy with and around the baby and then they get bored and hare around the house while the accompanying parent blithely chats away oblivious. Some people also bring children with snotty noses and coughs around which is very stressful. I think some parents get inured to the constant nursery age cough and colds and forget that babies need protection for the first months before they build some immunity and have vaccinations.

You think your SIL is a spoilt cow; by your account she doesn’t like you either so this seems a win all round. It’s a shame the cousins won’t be friends but it’s never a given and as you already know this lone child is going to be spoiled by its spoiled mother, then perhaps it’s a lucky escape for your own children.

How many family functions does she attend in a year do you reckon? I’m not sure why your mother is having to urge you to act normally when they are at a family gathering; are you proposing to have it out with her? That’s not going to improve your relationship or increase her desire to spend time with your family. You seem to be gunning for a fight.