I just don’t want her in my life anymore - narc mother

[Readytoevolve]

So my mother is your typical narcissist and since I was a child I have been tormented by her emotionally.
Now I’m married with 2 DC, I have my own life. However I always feel like there is a void. I don’t have any family support.. or I do, but it’s going to cost me my mental health.
DH’s family are fine, but we aren’t massively close but we do have support if we need it on occasion.
A lot has happened in my life lately, including family bereavements. In that time my narc mother was amazingly selfish and difficult. She behaved appallingly at the funerals and there were a few more things she let me down on as well which were tiny tasks for her but she knew they meant the world to me and she just didn’t do them. I’m so angry/hurt.

I’ve a few family events coming up and would typically suck it up and invite her, but I feel I’ve reached the end of the road. I’m done. I can’t take her anymore.
we have fallen out over the years, usually triggered by something nasty she has done to me. Since having children, I do want them to have a relationship with their grandmother, but it does cost me my mental health in many ways.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. I guess I’ve finally cut every single tie with this woman, but my children are the reason I’m keeping the door slightly ajar. But I don’t want to. I just want her to leave me alone and never contact me again. I don’t want her at any family celebrations (because she can’t behave herself) and I don’t want my children being exposed to her behaviour. It’s always easier said than done to just go completely no contact, but I find that even more distressing than keeping a superficial relationship which always ends up hurting me anyhow.

I am very familiar with stately homes threads. My dad passed away a few years ago, my relationship with siblings is fraught because of this woman, she’s very divisive and I don’t really want them around either. I’m lonely, I want my family, but the cost oh my mental health isn’t worth it. (I’m answering my own question here aren’t I?)
DH is very supportive of me no matter what I do, but he doesn’t want my mother around me and if she is, he tends to be there to support me and stand up for me.

Help… do I go no contact and end it all?
Or do I maintain a very superficial for the same of my kids so they can decide for themselves what they want when they are older?

my kids do love her… but they are young yet.

Ok, this woman is probably not going to be a good grandmother, and you say you aren't on great terms with your siblings, but in my opinion, if you can manage to continue to do things like family meet ups, especially if they are once or twice a year sort of thing, you aren't cutting your children off from potential future family relationships with cousins, aunts etc.

Obviously it depends on the gravity of your relationships, and it's clear that your aren't ever going to be close, but going completely NC does mean that you are essentially cutting off the opportunity for your child to build independent relationships with their relatives, if they should so wish in the future.

Again, it all depends on what's going on, and some people are so awful that this isn't possible, but on the other hand some relatives are just very difficult people, who you might not choose as friends, but I don't personally feel you have to protect your children against people they see a couple of times a year.

Obviously if you live nearby, and see them regularly then the situation is more complicated.

Be careful about your kids, some narcissistic parents will try to win them over and play popularity contests. Go no contact with your mother while you take time to heal and then decide if you’re ready to move to low contact down the track. Get therapy of some sort though, don’t try and go it alone