Dad threatening to take child

[laloc]

3yr old live with mum since birth, dad had drug issues domestic abuse mum had to leave to live with family, toddler settled into nursery mum started having mental/ drug issues, seeked support and has months of recovery still engaging with services, dad does not as he doesn't talk to anyone about his issues. Dad took toddler from home 2 months ago stopped nursery and family contact, and put toddler into hostel with him, mum collected him back as dad was not financially able to look after son and stopped him from going nursery/ couldn't wash clothes feed him dinners due to facilities and blamed it on mum safeguarding issues. Mum relocated to stay with family for a few weeks done work with ss and recovery and ss closed case, mum now wants to go home as 6 weeks holiday coming to end, wants son to have contact with dad aswell and get back to normal life but dad saying he will take him if she comes back so she's best staying 4 hours away from her home when it was only meant to be for a few weeks, told her not to come back at all or he'll take him. Any advice?

The mother needs to prioritise her sobriety and her child’s well being and that means staying where she has support and not under threat from someone who is a risk to her child and sobriety. She needs to create a new normal because the old normal she wants to return to is why she fled in the first place.

Mum has caring responsibilities back home as living with elderly grandad, she has suggested just coming back for a week visit and to put adult social care into place for grandad and get some more of her stuff to return back to family, however dad still not allowing her to return to do so without threatening to take him and not returning him to keep living in hostel

It will take longer than a week to put adult social care in place.

The mum needs to contact them from where she is now asap.

If she is going to return to the elderly grandfather from time to time and grab her stuff she needs to travel back and forth without the child to keep the child safe. (She should expect to have to go back and forth a few times.)

I'll tell her to call them now, she was going to arrange contact between dad while down there aswell but now she is thinking she will have to leave child in sisters care but this will upset dad as he wont get to see son

How can the dad “not allow” mum to return, when mum doesn’t even live with him?

Return, sort what needs sorting, don’t tell dad a thing about any of it.

As an aside it’s really worrying that mum is also responsible for a vulnerable elderly person as well as a child. I hope SS are keeping a close eye on her.

He won't allow her he will take son if she comes back, he already knows she's planning it hence why he rang her today saying he'll be taking him if she does, they have closed case now as she has months of evidential progress in mental health and addiction however she still feels extremely stressed and over whelmed and she wants more mental health support

@laloc why is mum so keen to facilitate contact with a father who is abusive, an active addict and unable to care for the child in a meaningful way?

Why does he have any say on what she does? Why is she giving him details of her movements? Why hasn’t she applied for a non mol order given his proven neglect or at the very least supervised contact, given he’s a flight risk once he has the child?

Her wanting to return to a normal life that is far from normal or safe is a huge concern.

she is thinking she will have to leave child in sisters care but this will upset dad as he wont get to see son

She needs to do this to ensure the child's safety.

If the dad lives in a hostel and is an addict then his living arrangements are not safe for a child.

@Over40Overdating She's unlikely to get a non-molestation order as they are very difficult to get.

However I do agree she needs to stop telling the father of her movements. The Family Court would eventually give him unsupervised contact (they don't give a fuck about the safety of people's children they are dealing with) so the best thing would be to simply avoid contact with him and quietly move away. That way if the father decides to go to Court the child is now resident in another part of the country and she isn't forced to move back with the child.

Mother has asked dad to go to court or mediation to arrange contact dad has told mum if she does she will loose everything and dad doesn't want to go to court anyways, mum has asked him multiple times to get something legally binding to stop this from happening but is worried she'll loose her son, abuse was verbal and she ended up in refuge few days before she had to move from him and she doesn't feel like she can say things about his addiction as she has lived the same previously to engaging and getting therapy from services

Dad has two FaceTime calls a day to see son so he will know her movements anyways and lives 10 minutes from her home where she wants to collect her stuff

@laloc surely she can see the dad is talking bollocks?

She has had issues but has engaged with SS and made steps to sort her life out and keep the child safe. He, meanwhile, is an active addict who took the kid away without permission and couldn’t feed or bathe it.

I understand that habits are hard to break in abusive situations but her thinking he could get custody and wouldn’t want to bring his drug use up in court is madness.
Of course he doesn’t want to go to court - he’d have his arse handed to him.

Please encourage her to bring him to court and to stop giving him any details or her movements he isn’t required to have.

Yes but dad is still treating her as an active addict when she has proven sobriety, dad has had no apparent proof of addiction or mental health issues however he was discharged from the army for these things but hasn't told social services this and doesn't think it's valid, so he thinks in court there will be no proof ect. Mum reached out multiple times through addiction so there's proof of hers. I think she is scared of him and it would make things worse if she didn't tell dad what she was doing. He called welfare check the day she came up here saying that she was a addict and she'd taken him back his also convinced her to pass child benefit over through the local council when he took the child two months ago and she's reported that child has come back and asked dad what's happening with the money he got and wether he saved it and he said he'd spent it all. So she wants to get that sorted out aswell, dad saying he works full time now and boss has allowed him to have child at work so there'd be no problem taking him back obviously mums now scared to come back to see her grandad and get her stuff.

@laloc the poor child needs protection from mum as well as dad!!! cant believe mum wants child to see dad when he seriously abuses drugs and does domestic violence!! someone please rescue that child!

Excuse me this is why she's asked me to ask for advice she's not actually let any contact happen yet hence why im asking for advice for the child's best interest? Mums doing just fine Thankyou just because she's scared of someone doesn't mean she's a danger, she clearly just needs support which im trying to give her and asking for advice.

Are you the mother OP?

She needs to significantly reduce the FaceTime calls 2x per day I'd not healthy for her and ex p has far too much control over her life.

it would make things worse if she didn't tell dad what she was doing

No it wouldn’t, it would make things significantly better.

OP - stop talking to your ex. Stop the FaceTimes, stop telling him your plans and movements and whereabouts. Stop trying to set up contact with him and your child.

Your ex lives in a hostel where he doesn’t have the facilities to wash or feed his child, and his plan for childcare is that he works full time now and boss has allowed him to have child at work so there'd be no problem taking him back.

Your ex is talking out of his arse.

If he tries to take you to court a judge would wipe the floor with him.

Leave your child with a relative, come and get your stuff, ask another family member to sort grandad out, and block your ex’s number.

All of this is very good advice.