Financial imbalance dating

[SpartacusC]

I’m a chap, recently divorced and now in the dating snakepit. I’ve always considered myself decent and fair and always tried extra hard for my ex and I, when we were married, to be totally equal, in terms of work, careers, child care, after school activities, household stuff and interests. We made approximately equal financial contributions to the single bank account that we’d had for our married life. She would describe herself as feminist; I’m not sure I’m allowed to these days but I did too and did my bit, and between us we made good role models for our children.

Anyway, we were very comfortably off, and I still am now, with no need to work. The women I’ve hit it off with in the OLD world, generally, have ended up with very poor divorce settlements where the ex had claimed the company was worth zero, or hadn’t contributed since the kids were over 18, or there had been a pre-nup. The one I am seeing now I really like and can see a future together, the living apart kind, she has a great local network and its her kids’ home too. But she is (almost) broke, she used the proceeds from the divorce to make sure she had a roof over her head and her children will get through university, but it seems to leave very little. She feels the need to go back to work, but says the labour market for her skills and demographic have moved on since she last worked 10-15 years ago, and she plans to retrain.

I support all this, as it fits with my world view of equality and independence, but like to travel, and I travel well and often, and would like to do it with her. I can cover all this for two of us and don’t ask for or expect any contribution or anything in return, but she does say how it makes her feel like she isn’t doing her bit. Then there will be soon the time conflict with her retraining and need to work.

Sooo, this brings us to the olde worlde question of money and gender roles in an imbalanced world. I’d value your thoughts and advice.

On what? What are you asking?

If you're happy to pay for your girlfriend to travel with you, then that's fine.

Hmmmm....can relate. Currently seeing someone who is childless and financially comfortable, while I am a lone parent reliant mostly on benefits. While you- and he- can see the structural reasons why women our age are less likely to be well off, it can still be slightly uncomfortable. One reason for this is that it constantly reminds us women of why we're in this position- which is usually because we've been screwed over by a man, with the complicity of wider society.

How to deal with this? I don't think there's one overarching solution. Tread carefully, acknowledge that she has contributed massively to society in non financial ways that are undervalued (but then again I personally hate men going "Oh, but you're such a great mum!", so what are you gonna do?! 🤷‍♀️) Reiterate that you don't mind paying (my chap has already done this), but let her pay for the token things (he buys dinner, I pay for drinks).

Not sure what the question is or what we are meant to discuss
Sounds more like a relationship issue/or topic for money matters
But I am not the thread police

Hi, Spartacus

I'd repost this one on the Relationships board, if I were you. Report your post (button at the bottom) and ask HQ to move it for you. Good luck.

Thanks, done

I have one discussion point and one specific question. The general opener would be have others been in this situation and do they have any advice?

Then more specifically there is the issue of should I provide for her financially so she has her ‘own’ discretionary spending money and wouldn’t need to work, so we get more time. In this day and age and given the above about independence and equality, how would I bring it up and what kinds of mechanisms could I propose?

The fact that you saw a future with me and had enough money to support me, wouldn't be enough to persuade me not to retrain and get back to work. What if you whisked me away to Mauritius and Florida, payed for all my meals and then disappeared in a year's time?

She needs to retrain and get into a position where she can look after herself. If you want to support her through that, I bet she'd love that. And if you can fit in that trip to Florida in the Easter holidays she'd love that too.

Then when she's earning her own money and the relationship is five years in, you can look at your combined finances, maybe get married, and talk about what the future looks like.

EDIT just to add, no divorce here but I stopped working for twelve years or so to look after the children. My husband supported me financially through that but I was determined to go back to work which I did after retraining and I'm now fully self-sufficient. I strongly believe a woman should never be dependent on a man. Even if he's the best man ever now, people change or sometimes just get hit by buses.

No at this stage you certainly should not be telling her not to retrain and work. She has been screwed over by a man before and is not going to easily trust again. And whatever you say about your divorce any woman who deprives herself of financial security for a man is a fool.

You can offer to pay for holidays that you go on together. Let her cook you meals, prepare picnics, contribute in ways that dont cost as much money.

Develop your own separate interests too so that you can, say, travel with a hobby group if you have more free time and dont wish to travel alone.

Later on if you are willing to transfer half your money to her maybe she'd give up work and rely on you - now is not the time.

If she doesn’t want you paying for her to go on holiday, you’re going to have to work out which is more important to you- being with her or travelling.

If she’s that important you may have to adjust what you want from a holiday, is there a compromise she can afford?

I’d also be cautious taking the advice to pay and get her to contribute by cooking etc. You know her, she might see that as a good compromise or she might see it as reinforcing a paternalistic structure that underlines the imbalance.

Once she’s retrained and working your whole situation may be hugely different and you may be able to go halves.

You maybe need to work out what’s most important to you here.