How to help this situation. Disabled children alone.

[Whowasiwhoami]

Our kids have medical and neurological issues and day to day it is ruled by their needs. It's exhausting and we are having a particularly hard time of it with no break from school or support over the holidays.

I've asked my husband to leave because he is just so angry all of the time, getting cross and shouting during medical procedure /changes when the kids are refusing, getting angry when they behave in ways directly linked to their conditions. Not getting up in the morning, not helping arpund the house, with the kids, needs instruction and asking for basic tasks. Getting cross at the kids so much that they only come to me and only want me to do things for them. I sometimes feel like it's the easy way out, do something so they just want Mum. Any time we talk about it I'm attacking him.
He frightened me last week during an argument, I reacted badly and snatched what was in his hand being waved about and threw it. I'd begged him to leave because I was scared and he was refusing. Now I'm just as bad and need help. I reacted poorly when I felt threatened and scared, I didn't know this was something I need to work on because I've not been put in that position by him. I've apologised for behaving like that. He's not apologised for scaring me.
Any time I tried to talk about it he says our lives are hard so it's acceptable and he has emotions too.
Two of the 4 children, sometimes 3 are aggressive and violent at times. One is daily, we are both bruised, bitten and scratched up. Our social worker, new and we've gone 4 months with no intervention, is now referring us/me for a restraints course because I'm so scared I'm going to hurt one of the children as I so often have to hold him back from harming his siblings too. Life is difficult.

My husband has left before, after one of the children was in critical care and it was touch and go for a few hours for him. Our child came home and now leads a limited but ok life, hes happy and can play and enjoys plenty of things. My husbands behaviour was the same before he left the previous time.
I let him back after 7 months as having had no issues previously I felt it was OK to give him another chance, I don't think I fully gave him the chance as I've still not forgiven him for everything he did during that period, mainly the leaving me when I said I couldn't cope alone. Things were better for a little while.

I just want it to all be OK again. I don't know how to get passed that feeling. He says I need help.
Nesting is our only possible way of me getting a break but he has visited twice in 3 weeks and has behaved the same each time and I have no where to go whilst he has them. I've said I'll go out next time but I just don't know if that's the right thing to do when he's behaving the way he is around the kids.

I've 100% made mistakes when trying to parent these kids too, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and exhausting. I didn't ever picture life with disabled children. I've no career, no social life, no hobbies. It's just caring for them. When they're in school there are phone calls daily, having to pick one/two of them up often. I haven't fully committed to giving this another chance because I've been so scared to go back to doing it alone.

He's cited mental health issues, which as he's behaving in a completely different way to that of 2 years ago I can believe. He's a different person now.
I want to help but I'm tired of trying to help when all my energy needs to go into the kids.
Does this sound like he's had some sort of break down? That's what I put it down to when he left me previously and things are harder now than they were then.
Would some sort of couples counselling help? He's having some single sessions and has done since leaving me last year. It does seem to help but also helps him excuse his behaviour more.
What do I do to help him see we need to support eachother?

He's always worked but isn't now. I think he was happier working but left his job on his own steam. Also were very often needed with different children at the same time though we can work around it as one need is medical intervention and one is the school not coping with behaviour so refusing may actually help them learn how to manage or give an alternative provision. We were housed by the council after our property wasn't suitable and we couldn't change it or rent anywhere private and suitable either.
He's stayed with friends, in his car and with family since leaving.

I feel so lost and don't know what to do for everyone.

I think you need gentle reliable support and dh isn’t able to provide that.

I think I remember you ? Did you live in temporary accommodation once years ago? If you’re the same poster I feel awful that you have been so stressed and miserable for years it’s not going to be good for you at all.

Have you got a disability social worker ? Do any of the DC have a support worker? I’m not sure about couples counselling as unless he’s prepared to do the inner work himself you could sit there for hours and get nowhere? Does he want to change ?
how old are your dc?

Sorry just re read and saw you have a social worker - are they doing anything else have you had a carers assessment? This would make you eligible for further suppprt, is there any respite in place ?

You sound like you’re in an incredibly difficult situation. I don’t think he should be around yiur children if he is behaving this way & he needs to seek counselling for himself. The pressure on you much be enormous do you get any respite care? I presume your social worker is from children with disabilities team? Tell her your husband has to leave & you need respite otherwise you will no longer be able to care for your children.

Life sounds hard OP. I can’t imagine what your days look like with four children with extra needs.

I’m not sure couples counselling would work unless there are problems within your relationship, and from what you’ve said it sounds like you’re both just burnt out from caring for the DC.

Some respite care or mothers helper might suit your situation better so you can get some rest and spend time together focussing on each other.

What you need is regular respite care other than school, even 3 hours a week would make a huge difference to you being able to do a hobby or see your friends. You need to push for support as it's not offered but it is available.

If you're the poster I'm thinking of then neither of you have been happy for a long, long time.

I think you need to separate for good and split the time you have with the children between you. You can't go in like this, it's not fair on either of you, or on your children.

We have a social worker from the child disability team. We previously had an intervention worker who was helpful, saw the kids individually and me for support but she was limited in help she could offer because it wasn't the right service, the disability team have dug their heals in in accepting us and despite the hand over being done they've said they don't have any idea what they're able to offer. The assessment on what they're able to offer to support is underway now though but has been for 3 weeks. They keep telling me how understaffed they are and that's why it's taking time but with the low level support/group activities they run I'm nit able to go with all my children because they need individual support or medical attention. Yet day to day I have to do it alone.
We've been offered a course to help with restraints for the aggression but I also don't have any care for the kids so I can attend. They kept saying assessments had to be individual but the main issue is the combination of needs. I'm so scared alone the kids won't meet criteria and I'll be alone again with no hope of support.

We were in temporary accommodation, we now have one child in a specialist setting and have a suitable house so we were doing much better now one child's needs were better met. Then another child developed an auto immune condition and needed more care and medical care and started school where it became clear he also had aditional needs. He also isnt there regularly enough because he gets so unwell so is missing so much learning and doesn't get the time to become comfortable there.
We have now had testing done and another child, already with one well managed auto immune condition, may develop the same condition but 2 won't.

My husband thinks their lives are over and there is no point to anything and they still find joy in so much that I just don't think that's true. Maybe it's more that his life is over. He's angry at everyone and anyone who tries to help doesn't understand so he gets angry with them too.