H writing the script after being caught having affair

[Rocketman2]

I found out a couple of weeks ago that dh is having an affair. After 26 years together. Shock is an understatement.

even worse than finding out this..is the way he’s behaved since. The denial and aggression. He’s written the script, told everyone we were bad in the lead up to the affair, that I wasn’t easy etc. He's basically been in denial. Still denying it to everyone.

he’s flown today at me because I’ve told a mutual friend. But what does he expect me to do? Lie for him?

surely being honest to those around me is fine? Why should I protect him?

You shouldn't protect him.

The only person you need to protect is you (and any DC). So share carefully with who you need to as you work through what you want to do.

If anyone outside of your circle raises the issue make sure you have your response prepared. eg I now know, but it was a shock. No, things were OK/as they had always been.

So who is everyone that your (D)H is sharing with that things were bad etc? Why does he have the arrogance to think it is OK to share publicly, but not you?

Really take your time. The minute I discovered my ex-H affair I knew the already dead marriage was gone. I know others on here make different decisions.

If he’s being aggressive towards you please make sure you are safe. These situations can escalate so if you have any doubts about your safety make a plan of how to get away and where you can go.
be kind to yourself.

Tell everyone. Grab the narrative away from him. Tell people he is lying about you to justify what he has done and ask them not to listen to a word he says about you.
Some of them may still believe him, but then you will know they are people you cannot trust.
See a lawyer ASAP. Get an STI test as well.

@Rocketman2, I remember your threads about his affair. Your poor DD saw him messaging his OW, so you investigated and saw the explicit messages.

He is an unfaithful liar, and you certainly shouldn’t be protecting him. You need all the support you can get, so tell the truth to whomever you want. He trashed his fidelity and made the choice to shit all over you and the children. Everyone who counts will see him for the gaslighting, blame-shifting pig he is.

I would stop interacting with him and giving him the opportunity to abuse you. Have you started the divorce yet?

Just say things weren’t bad at all and as good as always but he wanted to have an affair and this is how his trying to justify his shitty behaviour.

These cheats are unbelievable. He obviously is trying to protect his good guy image to one and all whilst painting you black.

Don't let him write the script

Take control of your narrative

Tell everyone

Tell everybody, starting now.

Don't protect him. Tell everyone. If he didn't want people finding out about the cheating then he shouldn't have cheated. I'm sorry this is happening to you, what a shock.

He's angry because he knows it's true, unlike the story he's concocted.

Tell whomever you want whatever you want. You owe him no loyalty, and no justification.

Just offering my sympathy. My partner of 20 years had an affair with my best friend. Both were absolutely fuming that I told my side and ‘exposed’ them. They both lied to me for months and months, I honestly thought I was going mad. I don’t bad mouth them, but I certainly don’t lie for them, and neither should you. They’re big enough to do the deed, they can deal with the consequences. My ex will still cause issues every few months (we have children together so unfortunately I cannot cut him off completely) and he became a totally different person throughout this. I don’t think some men deal well with being held accountable for their behaviour and then still take it out on their (ex)partner unfairly. It’s like a child acting up for their parent in a way. Much love to you

he’s flown today at me because I’ve told a mutual friend. But what does he expect me to do? Lie for him?
My exh was weird like this too, when I told a teacher at parents' evening that we were separating, just to make her aware of what our daughter was experiencing. I said it factually, no details about his role in it, but he was really pissed off.

The whole function of the Script is to make their actions not their fault, so they don't feel as ashamed, and to minimise the consequences so they don't feel so guilty. When you talk about the separation out loud, it's too real. The only way to stay in their pretend world is to act like you are being unreasonable/nasty in bringing it up. However nonsensical that is.

You don't have to discuss these things with him any more, though. He's not on your team. And it's VERY early days for you, but part of the separation process involves cutting the emotional ties and stopping caring what he thinks, does or says. He will go round with his narrative. You can't stop him so it's not worth thinking about. Most other people will not take it as gospel. Those who do are not people you need to interact with any more.

They absolutely hate it when their true nature is revealed to the world. It drives them mad.

And they are expert at blaming everyone else.

I'd keep telling the world.

You did not come back to this thread. You have nothing to protect. I hope that you are all right OP.

I’d tell everyone my version of the truth.

I did tell and he’s predictably become horrific towards me.

Only you know how safe you are with him. If you think he may physically harm you then I'd not do anything that may provoke him. If he is just generally being a dick, I'd practice saying to him 'the anger you are feeling is towards yourself not me'

Tell absolutely everyone and he can go to hell.

If this is how it's going to be wipe his arse clean. Get all the money he has today and all that he will earn for the rest of his life. That is being a pretty neat wife. Very thorough indeed. Get your finances checked and quietly lawyer up. If you are not safe be very methodic about if it's you or him who is leaving the house. There could be legal implication there. Still do not give up the assets, a lawyer can clean the shit while you are safe elsewhere. The idiot thinks he has an upper hand. He will come back with a song and a rose, because divorcing is costly. Yelling and cursing and menacing does not cost a penny. Don't forget what you see today. That's the real him. Methinks he misbehaved badly a lot in the past. This is not a first time accidental offender.

In so sorry

Can you leave?