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Original poster

When will he move on

22 replies

Spanielmom · 12/08/2024 22:45

I separated from my husband just over two years ago. Married for 17 years with one son and I had three girls from my previous marriage. The whole relationship he lied. From little white ones to whoppers. He made up stories which now looking back I can’t believe I fell for. He got into a lot of debt no idea why ( I kinda suspect drugs) he’s still to this day not admitted what he’s being doing. He was sacked from his job and I found out it was because he was committing fraud but he lied about that. He was then working self employed and I suspect he was withholding money for the other lad because we ended up with people coming to the door and I was receiving messages from lads looking for him. In the end when I found out he was going to acquaintances making up lies to borrow money I broke and sent him packing. I just couldn’t take any more.
he moved in with his dad who eventually threw him out because he ended up owing him money and the same happened, people coming to his door and he eventually moved into supported accommodation. He lives on benefits now with probably no intention of working again. I have a good job and a nice house where I live with my son. I’m finally happy… to a point.
He just can’t seem to move on. Constant fb posts about loneliness and how he’s messed up his life. I keep in contact for the sake of our son but tbh he doesn’t bother with him. He stays overnight on the couch now and again, cos he says he misses our son but doesn’t interact with him when he’s here.i could never take him back but I still end up helping him out when he asks me to loan him the odd £5 here £10 there and being soft I lend him it. I always get it back but that’s not the point.i know I’m doing him no favours because he’ll never learn but I also can’t see him without. I’m not that type of person.
its our wedding anniversary today and he’s sent me a message saying he knows I’m not bothered about it now but happy anniversary and he’s sorry he messed up and hurt me.
sorry but why still do this. Is this appropriate behaviour.
I feel my next step is going to have to be divorce because he just doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that we are done.
part of me does pity him but everything that has happened he has brought on by his compulsive lying. He can’t help himself. It seems everything story he tells he believes.
will he ever just move on, he seems to have no intention of finding someone else.
I just want to get on with my life but I don’t feel like I can because he causes me constant stress with his self pity.
sorry this is more a rant than a question I just feel stuck and unable to move forward

OP posts:
WrylyAmused · 13/08/2024 07:27

You can't control his behaviour - and from what you say, he's unlikely to change in any positive ways any time soon.

So what would help you change how you think about & react to him so that you can get on with your life?
Therapy? Divorce? Something else? You can't wait around waiting for him to change, if you're unhappy with the situation you need to change it, for you.

Good luck.

Dery · 13/08/2024 07:34

As the PP said - if you’re waiting for him to change, you could wait forever. It’s not his job to make you feel comfortable and allow you to move forward. That’s your job. It’s hard when you’ve loved someone but you need to give yourself permission not to care about his self pity and his poor state. That way you don’t get stressed by what he says.

jeaux90 · 13/08/2024 08:22

Minimum contact OP.
You are in charge of your own life.

Stop thinking about his.

Original poster
Spanielmom · 13/08/2024 09:35

jeaux90 · 13/08/2024 08:22

Minimum contact OP.
You are in charge of your own life.

Stop thinking about his.

Thinks oh ya because I’ve always had to be the organised one. The one who took charge. He’s pitiful sometimes I feel as tho I’ve mothered him. All my own fault

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 13/08/2024 11:18

I hope I’m wrong but if you divorce won’t he be entitled to half of your assets including your house?

jeaux90 · 13/08/2024 14:33

Well that's the point OP.
Many women find themselves in a parent child relationship rather than one of partnership.

You are not his support human.

Peoniesinbloom · 13/08/2024 14:57

you need to limit contact, remove from social media, do not discuss anything other than DS, you are not his parent or even a friend, you are not his therapist, do not lend him money, do not let him stay over, he is an adult

Original poster
Spanielmom · 13/08/2024 16:04

Lurkingandlearning · 13/08/2024 11:18

I hope I’m wrong but if you divorce won’t he be entitled to half of your assets including your house?

To be honest I don’t have anything. My house is rented anyway and I’ll be going for a financial order attached to the divorce anyway. I’ve already had to deal with a couple of utility companies who he hadn’t been paying who have been great
There are other debt companies after him so I simply show them proof that I’m in ny own and send them in their way but the knowledge that’s nothing he gets wrapped up in in the future would be a great peace of mind

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanielmom · 13/08/2024 16:11

Peoniesinbloom · 13/08/2024 14:57

you need to limit contact, remove from social media, do not discuss anything other than DS, you are not his parent or even a friend, you are not his therapist, do not lend him money, do not let him stay over, he is an adult

You’re right. Ive already had the conversation with him that I’m not in a position to loan him money anymore. I mean I’m financially ok but he doesn’t need to know that.
besides I have a 17 year old to support and a house we’ve not long lived in that needs decorating etc so the coffers are empty as far as he’s concerned.
I think I just feel bad because we here he lives isn’t great it’s just a bed sit not in the nicest area and he’s managed to alienate all of his family and is running out of any decent friends because he’s borrowed money off most of them.
I really wish he’d just meet someone and get in with his life. I’ve no intention of I like my own company too much but I’d happily see him with a new life.

OP posts:
TheCadoganArms · 13/08/2024 16:20

You need some firmer boundaries. I get maintaining constructive contact for the sake of your son but him mooching around dossing on your sofa, being emotionally incontinent on social media and tapping you up for money. Your son will be leaving the nest over the next few years and you might want to exploring dating other people (if you are not already). Do you really want him in your orbit for the rest of your life looking for sympathy for his self induced fuck ups???

crimsonlake · 13/08/2024 16:25

If you have a 17yr old you do not need to communicate with your ex, your son can do that himself.

Greenhedge1 · 13/08/2024 16:43

OP, block him on EVERYTHING.
Have absolutely no more contact.
Divorce him.
Move on with your life.
He is not your responsibility and you have brought huge unnecessary stress to your life by prolonging things.

You deserve more, start doing things for yourself.
Like all whiney cockroaches, he'll be fine.

Original poster
Spanielmom · 13/08/2024 17:37

crimsonlake · 13/08/2024 16:25

If you have a 17yr old you do not need to communicate with your ex, your son can do that himself.

To be honest my DS won’t bother simply because his dad doesn’t bother to contact him. It’s literally once in a blue moon. His thinking is it works both ways. Thing is it doesn’t in my mind if he doesn’t bother why should my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanielmom · 13/08/2024 17:41

TheCadoganArms · 13/08/2024 16:20

You need some firmer boundaries. I get maintaining constructive contact for the sake of your son but him mooching around dossing on your sofa, being emotionally incontinent on social media and tapping you up for money. Your son will be leaving the nest over the next few years and you might want to exploring dating other people (if you are not already). Do you really want him in your orbit for the rest of your life looking for sympathy for his self induced fuck ups???

I get exactly what you mean. In the relationship and subsequent break down I did absolutely nothing wrong. All the destruction was caused by him. I think I’d fallen out of love with him a while agai due to the constant lies and lack of effort with me and DS so that’s how I’m fine with things. He still does see or really accept responsibility for anything he did I honestly don’t think he’s all there cos nothing sinks in. He has no conscience at all for his past and ongoing actions.
he relies on my guilt and pity. Time to reign that in and get rid once and for all

OP posts:
LessOfMe99 · 13/08/2024 17:43

You are enabling the current situation. You don't need him on Facebook or any other social media. You don't really need to communicate with him at all regarding a 17 year old. He doesn't need to stay over- ever. Don't lend him money.
. You are not enforcing clear firm boundaries and he is taking advantage of that.

invisiblecat · 13/08/2024 17:45

He isn't going to change or move on, so you are going to have to do it instead.

Divorce is the only way.

sonjadog · 13/08/2024 17:46

He may never meet someone, like many people, but that doesn't mean his life isn't going on and that he doesn't have a new life. He has a new life now, one as a single man. Yes, it is miserable but that is not your problem. Are you waiting for another woman to come along and take over your caring role so that you can resign it? A grown adult man doesn't need a woman to take responsibility for him, he can look after himself. And if he can't do it properly, that isn't your (or any other woman's) responsibility. I think you need to reframe this in your mind. You have broken up with him, but you still feel you have to look after him. I think making a clean break like other posters suggest is a good idea. The problem here isn't him not moving on, but that you haven't fully move on in your head.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/08/2024 17:51

Spanielmom · 13/08/2024 16:11

You’re right. Ive already had the conversation with him that I’m not in a position to loan him money anymore. I mean I’m financially ok but he doesn’t need to know that.
besides I have a 17 year old to support and a house we’ve not long lived in that needs decorating etc so the coffers are empty as far as he’s concerned.
I think I just feel bad because we here he lives isn’t great it’s just a bed sit not in the nicest area and he’s managed to alienate all of his family and is running out of any decent friends because he’s borrowed money off most of them.
I really wish he’d just meet someone and get in with his life. I’ve no intention of I like my own company too much but I’d happily see him with a new life.

Show quote history

Don't wish him on another poor unsuspecting woman, wish for him to grow the fuck up.

Get on with the divorce and draw a line, don't engage with him for anything but your son and stop letting him stay over, it just gives him more hope.

Peoniesinbloom · 14/08/2024 10:44

Spanielmom · 13/08/2024 16:11

You’re right. Ive already had the conversation with him that I’m not in a position to loan him money anymore. I mean I’m financially ok but he doesn’t need to know that.
besides I have a 17 year old to support and a house we’ve not long lived in that needs decorating etc so the coffers are empty as far as he’s concerned.
I think I just feel bad because we here he lives isn’t great it’s just a bed sit not in the nicest area and he’s managed to alienate all of his family and is running out of any decent friends because he’s borrowed money off most of them.
I really wish he’d just meet someone and get in with his life. I’ve no intention of I like my own company too much but I’d happily see him with a new life.

Show quote history

He has put himself in this position, its not your fault he is in a bedsit, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY or BAD
every bad decision he had made had led him down this path
you tried helping his father tried helping, he need to help himself

Peoniesinbloom · 14/08/2024 10:48

also why do you enable contact with DS?
if DS wanted contact he would facilitate it himself he is old enough
your EX is not a good role model so why force him on to your DS? you really dont need to get involved at all.

Greenhedge1 · 14/08/2024 10:51

The less contact your son has with that waste of space the better.

Drop the rope completely.

Original poster
Spanielmom · 14/08/2024 14:19

Peoniesinbloom · 14/08/2024 10:48

also why do you enable contact with DS?
if DS wanted contact he would facilitate it himself he is old enough
your EX is not a good role model so why force him on to your DS? you really dont need to get involved at all.

I suppose I’ve always just wanted to do the right thing but you’re right he can make his own choices and I feel he has. DS is a man of few words any way so I’ll respect his decision not to contact him. He’s always been more for me. We’re very close more now that it’s just me and him at home.

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