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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I 30M, GF 30F says she lost her feelings all of a sudden

4 replies

thesadhulk · 12/08/2024 20:53

I’m struggling to put this into words, but the past few weeks have been incredibly difficult. We’ve been together for nearly two years, and she developed feelings for me quite quickly. At the beginning, I made it clear that while I liked her, I needed time to build a deeper connection. Over time, I opened up more, and we began to share experiences and travel trips, dinners, day trips, hung out, marriage plans, and a proper emotional connection where we were both number 1 for eachother. I have never been too expressive and would rather show things through actions. We did not live together, and I would travel abroad just to see her as we were in Europe and would solely see her for the purpose of it. She even met some of my family, though not as a girlfriend, due to cultural norms that discourage such introductions. It was clear why she was being introduced.
Recently, about six weeks ago, she talked about marriage (as we had many times before), and we were planning to get married by the end of this year or so. But then, within 2 weeks, her attitude shifted dramatically. She began questioning whether she wanted to continue the relationship, expressing doubts about her feelings and our future together. Initially (of the relationship), she had voiced concerns about me not giving her enough attention, or being expressive which I acknowledged. My career sometimes demands that I can’t always be available, but I consistently reassured her that she was my top priority. During our arguments, she would bring up these issues, and we’d resolve them, with her and I having an understanding to move past them. I would believe they were settled because she would stop mentioning them, and we’d act as if everything was fine and our bond would grow stronger, and she would talk of marriage and everything else.

However, now she’s bringing all these old grievances (6-7-8-12 months old) back up, and it feels like we’re rehashing past conflicts that I thought were resolved and she says they are now coming on the surface. She’s mentioned worries about her family’s acceptance (which is a brand new thing) and her own fear that she might not feel the same way about me in the future as she used to. At times, she even suggests ending the relationship but then reconsiders, saying she wants to be with me but is unsure about her feelings. We were considering getting married in just a few months, and I had envisioned our future together (and even she talked of this topic just over a month ago). Her inconsistent stance has left me confused and anxious, and I can’t help but wonder if there’s someone else involved and if I am an option or if her family’s opinions are influencing her this much. Or is she just making up all these reasons and trying to end us swiftly? She gives reasons that I ruined this relationship and her feelings by being less expressive (things of 8 or 9 months old), or not giving her a priority (which I have been, and with all that she has been wanting to marry me until now when even I have resolved all of this as well)

I’ve become quite depressed and isolated, I was focusing solely on our relationship to the detriment of my own well-being and connections with other and friends that I have lost touch with over the past 2 years. I’m at a loss about what she truly wants or whether she’s being honest with me. Is there another person involved? Is it her family’s disapproval? Or is she simply stalling? I need guidance and clarity on how to move forward. I have a few friends, all of whom have their own married/couple lives and would eventually be the only single guy. Dating, at least dating with people we connect well with is not that common in our ethnicity/region and I am at an age where all this is causing me a great strain and all my eggs were in this basket.
TLDR: Most things were fine 5 weeks ago, all this got messed up 3 weeks ago and ever since I have been told a new story and a new reason every now and the

OP posts:
CatamaranViper · 12/08/2024 20:59

That was quite hard to follow but ultimately, this relationship sounds dead in the water.
If she isn't sure that she wants to marry you then no point in continuing if that's a deal breaker for you. The uncertainty, the fact you've lost friends and your mental health is suffering are all signs that this is not the relationship for you and you won't be happy long term.

Don't try and be with someone and be miserable just to avoid being the only single person in your friendship group.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 12/08/2024 21:06

I think it's pretty clear that at the very least, she's unsure of her feelings, at this stage I'd say that's a deal breaker. You're not even engaged yet and she's getting cold feet, this isn't for keeps.

thesadhulk · 13/08/2024 10:20

CatamaranViper · 12/08/2024 20:59

That was quite hard to follow but ultimately, this relationship sounds dead in the water.
If she isn't sure that she wants to marry you then no point in continuing if that's a deal breaker for you. The uncertainty, the fact you've lost friends and your mental health is suffering are all signs that this is not the relationship for you and you won't be happy long term.

Don't try and be with someone and be miserable just to avoid being the only single person in your friendship group.

I do not want to get married, I can give her the time that she needs but at the least I expect loyalty and the intent to have it working around. I am unable to understand the sudden change, that is all.

PS: I do not want to be in a relationship because everyone else around me is. Its just a situation of distress, as I know I would be stuck for a long time if this doesnt work out.

OP posts:
thesadhulk · 13/08/2024 10:21

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 12/08/2024 21:06

I think it's pretty clear that at the very least, she's unsure of her feelings, at this stage I'd say that's a deal breaker. You're not even engaged yet and she's getting cold feet, this isn't for keeps.

She says she "wants to spend my life with you" then everything else follows as well. She doesnt do a breakup, or stops when she initiates one.

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