Being appreciated

[Nix32]

How do you and your partner make each other feel appreciated? This is a recurring issue for us. OH feels unseen, unheard and unappreciated. He works part-time, from home. We have two teenagers. I work full time, long hours, term time only. I don't feel particularly appreciated either, but I just see that as part of a busy life. We both have our roles, and together it works. But it is an issue for him. Any suggestions?

I make sure I thank my husband for doing things not just for me, but for the household too (e.g. taking out the rubbish which is his job), and he does the same - trying not to take the other for granted. Listening to the other talking about their day and asking questions, even if we are busy. Doing something just the 2 of us occasionally.

Is he complaining about lack of sex?

He’ll tell me how much he’s enjoying the dinner I cooked.

I’ll thank him for cleaning the bathroom or comment on how well the carpet comes up after he hoovers.

We make time for each other and chat. We look out for each other and make each other a priority.

We respect what each other bring to the relationship and are genuinely grateful. I think that comes through in lots of tiny comments and interactions rather than any big gestures.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow No. About not feeling like a priority.

It’s had though when you have a busy life with teens and work.

Sometimes life is also about survival as well as appreciation.

That's how I feel about it, but he feels differently and it's becoming a bigger issue because he feels it comes up regularly, we discuss it, nothing really changes. To him, that feels like he's not important/I don't care about him enough.

So what does he say he wants you to do show appreciation?

unless he is coming up with concrete achievable solutions then he is making you responsible for his feelings…. And that spells trouble

Do you think he appreciates you enough? Have you asked him how you could make him feel more appreciated? What does he feel unappreciated about? Sorry for all the questions, but is this a relatively new thing? Because if it is he could have had his heard turned and he’s rewriting history to spin a ‘my wife doesn't understand me’ narrative.

If it not that and you just want simple things to show your appreciation, my partner likes a back rub (he also likes a front rub but that’s for a different post), the offer of a takeaway, being hugged and thanked, a head massage, a bottle of weird beer I thought he might like, getting him a bag of Aldi salt and vinegar crisps, making him a homemade lasagne… all sorts of things.

How do you and your partner make each other feel appreciated?

Watching his favourite sport or TV show once in a while and showing an interest in it
Buying his favourite foods or snacks when out
Squeezing his bum/kissing him when I walk past
Cooking him something he likes
Making him a tea or coffee
Letting him have a turn for a lie in
Saying I love you and listing the reasons why
Making an effort in the bedroom (initiating and looking nice)

These are some things I do which I think he appreciates. Guess everyone is different and I don't really do these things consciously, I like doing them

Noticing the small things he does and thanking him.
Thanking him for working hard for us.
Writing more than just ‘Happy Birthday DH love from Country Girl’ in his card, using it as an opportunity to thank him for all he does and what he means to me.
Cooking his favourite meal once in a while.
Hug or a pat or a kiss on the neck when I’m going past him.
Taking him a coffee when he’s wfh and Im
around
Telling him how great he is and showing pleasure in the opportunity to spend some
time with him.
Making sure he has half an hour of uninterrupted down time when he’s finished a long, busy day.
Listening to what happened in his day, even though I don’t understand some of it (!) and asking (hopefully) relevant questions.

All sorts of other things…DH does all
of the above or similar too btw.

Yes sometimes life goes through patches where it feels more like survival but none of the above takes any time at all really, it’s more about an attitude of mind that will purposely look for the positive in someone else and express appreciation for it. It’s totally worth it - it builds intimacy and makes your relationship stronger. It really helps to grease the wheels when you’re going through a survival patch.

If he looks extra nice I tell him. Little things like ‘that shirt brings out the colour of your eyes’, ‘you look great in that jacket’, ‘I love you wearing that t shirt’, etc. He does this with me too and when he does it makes me feel like he’s noticed and he finds me attractive. Luckily we don’t do disparaging remarks. The worst thing I’d ever say about his appearance is something like ‘Those jeans don’t do you justice!’

@BananaLambo No, I don't feel particularly appreciated. From my perspective, I'm the main earner, working long hours and absolutely flat out during term time. When I get home, everyone wants a piece of me and I'm busy running kids around. Nobody asks how my day has been - or if they do, they're not really interested in the answer.

This allows him to work part time, from home, with a large amount of free time to do whatever he wants. Yes, he keeps on top of things at home, but I certainly contribute to that as well.

None of this bothers me - it's just how things are. But it obviously bothers him.

I'm not worried about his head being turned. This is a recurring issue that always ends up being discussed because he's grumpy. I bring up the grumpiness - it always comes back to this.

Everyone's responses are really useful. I think I do a lot of those things, but maybe not often enough. He is resentful that we get very little time together, but he never organises anything or suggests we do anything - should that really just be down to me?

He sounds a pain.

Sorry,

he thinks it’s part of a woman’s role to make him happy…

Based on your update I probably wouldn't be doing any of the things I'd mentioned. I only do them as I feel he deserves them, if he was always grumpy and complaining I'd be telling him to sod off.

If he is resentful about you having little time together how about you say you can take x date off work for a date day but leave it up to him to plan something. Sounds like your overworked so I'd use it as a test to find out how much he appreciates you e.g does he organise/suggest nice spa day or walk with a homemade picnic etc or does he put in zero effort and leave it all to you

This ☝️

Ask him for some very specific things he'd like for you to do or say that will make him feel appreciated, and be prepared to do the same in return. Sometimes we think we are saying/doing the right things but they just land differently for all sorts of reasons.

I suspect that it might be less about appreciation despite that being his word for it, and when you get some specifics from him it could be that it's about rebuilding the intimacy (non-physical) that somes from quality time together or acts of service or small gifts....

But unless he tells you you can't help be responsible for doing it (or not) 🤷

Isn't he the one who should be answering this? Everybody has different needs, so we can't know what his are.

If he wants to be more seen, heard, and appreciated, ask him to tell you how, and listen to and respect his views.

What does he want? Validate him in that.

Yes, I've asked him - I'm awaiting a response.

He sounds very needy while you're running around trying to keep it all together.

I don't feel particularly appreciated. From my perspective, I'm the main earner, working long hours and absolutely flat out during term time. When I get home, everyone wants a piece of me and I'm busy running kids around. Nobody asks how my day has been - or if they do, they're not really interested in the answer.

Sounds tough OP.

I don't see it as tough particularly - we're just busy.

But I'm interested in everyone's responses - I just needed a sense check.