He just doesn't care- Miscarriage

[Thejones24]

Miscarriage

Earlier in the year I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks. It had been a difficult pregnancy and I was at risk of hemorrhaging due to an 18cm fibroid. I'm very petite in frame and stature and so there was little room for both the baby and the fibroid.

It was an awful time and I don't want to delve too deeply into it all, as it's still painful to me. My partner wasn't keen on becoming a dad again, as he has a child with his ex (who can cause a great deal of grief in honesty) and wasn't very supportive when I needed him.

He was a little better during the miscarriage, which made me feel like he was relieved it had happened. I have never said this to him, but he's shown little to no emotion since regarding the pregnancy.

My cousin has just had a little one and my due date is not far off. This has really shook me up and although I'm naturally over the moon for her, I have been left upset and hit with grief. I text my partner at work yesterday saying "xyz has had her baby, my due date is next week. I feel really sick." To which he responded "ah I'm sorry." I didn't speak to him much last night and can't bring myself to do so today to be honest.

Am I being unreasonable to want some kind of emotion from him regarding our child? Maybe I'm seeing things selfishly through grief, but his lack of feelings and emotions has made me question how much this man really thinks of me. Especially since he shows care for other family members when they're in hospital etc.

You are grieving for a baby you desperately wanted and he probably doesn’t understand how deeply you feel the loss. If he wasn’t fully on board with the idea then he will feel differently about the miscarriage.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this x

@StormingNorman
Thank you for your comment. He said he felt guilty not being around to raise his DD full time with his ex during my pregnancy, and instead was going to be raising this one full time. He said he had a pull to raise the one that was currently here full time. I was devastated.

Thank you for your understanding.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

I'm sorry your partner hasn't been able to give you the comfort you need. He obviously doesn't understand how painful it is to lose a much wanted child. It sounds as if he is being very careless about your feelings.

There are support charities who may be able to help. Tommy midwives have a helpline and are trained in bereavement support. There's also the Miscarriage Association, you can find more details here:

https://www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/miscarriage-information-and-support/miscarriage-support/getting-more-support

It might help to talk about it with someone.

@cupcaske123 thank you so much for this. I'll look into the links.

I think you’re right to question the relationship tbh. It’s sounds like he doesn’t want children (with anyone?) as he wants his daughter to be his priority. Maybe this is something you need to consider if you would like to have a child in the future.

i would also question the fact that he is unable to give you the support you need. Even if he is relieved that the pregnancy ended in miscarriage, he should still be able to empathise with you and comfort you around feelings you having at the moment.
i do think sometimes men/other people can feel differently to miscarriage as the baby isn’t “real” until it is here. So that feeling alone I would say is okay. People are allowed to grief differently.

I would be concerned that you can’t ask him to comfort you or support you and when you tried to tell him, his response wasn’t great. especially as you say he often is there for other people.

I am really sorry you have been through this Miscarriage and baby loss is horrible and hard. Try to get some support from out side of the relationship as pp has suggested.

xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your partner has expressed his wish not to become a father again, so he hasn't lied to you or strung you along. Men will also not understand/feel the same way about a miscarriage as a woman does. If you want to have children, I think you need to face reality and accept that he is not the one.

@RubyWriter thank you for your insight. I have never tried to tell him what to feel or how to grieve, but there is a complete lack of care and emotion surrounding all of it, even for myself. I feel that is evident in his response yesterday.

His grandfather passed a couple of months ago and he was there to care for him by the minute, so he is definitely capable of caring and showing care towards others. However, when I needed support during and after the pregnancy, he was consumed with considering reuniting with his ex partner in order to raise their daughter together. This passed shortly after the miscarriage and I have really struggled with his behaviour during that time.

@ginasevern pregnancy for me would very likely end in the same result. Thank you for your comment.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

It's very sad that, even if he did not really want another child, your partner cannot be more supportive and empathetic towards you at this time. As his DD is so important to him you would think he could realise and sympathise what your unborn child meant to you.

I agree with pp that you should consider your relationship going forward.

@Bekindtoyourselfandothers it was more of a kick in the teeth as I was told I was unable to have a child. Then I found out quite out of the blue that I was expecting. He had never expressed not wanting children, if anything we had discussed it due to my issues and he made out he'd have loved to have been able to have a child together. However, when this was the case his response was very different.

I think for my own self respect I have to walk away. I feel he has overlooked my feelings once too often. Thank you.

I’m afraid it sounds as though he never wanted a child with you at all - he only told you that because he thought there was no chance of it actually happening.

He’s a future faker and not very nice.

@Cheesecakecookie we did separate briefly after the miscarriage and I developed an infection leading me back to hospital. He text me a few times and offered to come and see me once. The rest of the time he was having days out with his ex and DD. This really hurt.

It's been a hard road but he tells me he loves me all the time now we're back together however, I feel he didn't demonstrate this when I needed him the most.

He has since cared for various family members. It hurts to know he wouldn't care for me and the loss of our DD.

Yes I agree with this.

Your update is very sad OP.
My first baby son died at 3 weeks and my second son was born years later but only after fertility treatment. So I do sympathise with how awful this must be for you.
Sending you good wishes.

@Bekindtoyourselfandothers I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending gratitude for your understanding, though I wish for you it wasn't so close to home.

He’s not demonstrating that he loves you now either - he’s showed no concern or care for you in his message.

He didn’t want the baby that’s why he’s not upset. Although some men won’t register the due date etc like a mum would as they don’t go through it. I am so sorry for your loss. Please seek whatever energy you need to leave him and find someone better.

Don't do it just yet Op because it will be painful for you, but when you fell able take a look at the Stepparent board. A lot of separated DFs feel guilty about leaving their DC and it seems to colour their relationships with any future child, they love their later DC but it seems to make the guilt worse. Your DP's gone into over drive seeing his Ex and their DC, he's massively guilty even though your pregnancy didn't last.
I'm so sorry for your loss Op but it has shown you the truth, he'd have been a very poor father to your DC, they'd always have come second to the one he already has. In your position I'd go away for a few days if possible and consider if this relationship will ever go anywhere for you.

It doesn't sound like he is really over his ex, I can fully understand his feelings about his dc from his previous relationship, it really sounds like he's torn between wanting to be with you but also wanting to be a full time father to her. I would cut your losses and step away.

They separated 6 years ago, he's had plenty of time to reconcile between now and then. Just hurt so much that he wanted to do it while I was pregnant and showed very little support when that ended.

Thank you all for your support and insight.

Quite honestly he sounds like really hard work and has shown you that you aren't a priority.

End it;take some time for yourself and recast your net for someone wants what you want.