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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How much should my DH take the initiative?

8 replies

Bluepenguin88 · 12/08/2024 13:02

Im not sure if I'm being unreasonable or my DH is.

I feel like I'm the one who constantly has to notice that the lawns need mowing, fridge emptying out, recycling needs sorting etc. I do almost all of the tidying, organizing, cooking and laundry. DH is something snippy when I ask him to do things and says I constantly criticize him. I feel like this is only because I'm fed up of being the only one to take the initiative. It can be exhausting. We have had this conversation hundreds of times. Any advice? I'm starting to f eel exhausted.

OP posts:
Alwaystired23 · 12/08/2024 13:35

I don't know OP, but I feel like I'm in the same boat. We came back from holiday on Saturday, I feel like my husband helps, but only if I point out what needs to be done. If I'm putting the washing out, he'll come and help, if I start emptying the dishwasher he'll start doing that too. I find it so fucking irritating. Find your own bloody job to do. I lost it a bit last night, when I started making dinner. He asked if I wanted him to help. No helping would be putting the suitcases up in the attic, all your clean clothes away, mending dc shoes like I asked. Starting dinner of your own initiative. Not fucking off out of the house for nearly 2 hours, not saying where you were going.

Sorry that's turned into more of a rant than I expected.

Whatifitallgoesright · 12/08/2024 13:37

Make lists of everything - house, garden, finance etc. Hand him lists and get him to acknowledge these things need doing or if he disagrees that they need doing what is his reasoning. Be quite silent. Get a response. Divvy them up. Accounting for each person's working hours/commuting time etc. Press the point that you are both entitled to equal free time to do things of your choice. One persons rights to this does not over-ride the others.

Maybe this will move you along. He will have to be very plain about why he doesn't do things. He will be exposed. Hopefully. Good luck.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 12/08/2024 13:45

This is pretty much the mental load and its infuriating.

A possible solution, if he's a man who genuinely wants to be an equal partner (many say they do, but really don't), is to split tasks into distinct responsibilities, including all the THINKING that goes with them. So, for example, if he's in charge of laundry, that's everything - he does the laundry, keeps an eye on detergent levels, pays attention to the fact that there's PE this week and the PE kit therefore needs to be prioritised etc. He can potentially, ask you to hang up a load or put one on if he knows it needs doing and he can't, but it's HIS task.

In our house, DH still doesn't actually do much of the thinking but has stepped up to do a lot more of the day to day ad hoc tasks instead - so he has an annoying habit of not remembering to turn the dishwasher on, but will routinely empty it when necessary or fill it whie tidying the kitchen. Basically, he has zero ability to think ahead so again, for example, he simply can't proactively think about about what laundry is "urgent" vs "can be done tomorrow" but after discussions when we first moved intogether, does put laundry on often, hangs out more of it than I do (I often put a load on and he hangs it up when he comes in) and does 90% of the folding/sorting/putting away - ie the sort of tasks that are less about thinking and more about just wandering into a room and getting on with what is right there in front of him. If I know that we need whites as we're running out of socks and underwear, I'll either put it on or specifically tell him to put a load of whites on.

It (mostly) works for us. I do get annoyed on tasks that are 100% his that are relatively small ones - eg bins - when he gets completely surprised that we're now out of liners. This morning, having fed the cat the absolute last scoop of his food, he asked me if we "need cat food". Needless to say, it's been ordered already and is being delivered this afternoon. sigh.

newcatmam · 12/08/2024 13:52

I'm following this with interest as I'm in the same boat. I did a huge load of washing yesterday and hung it on the line to dry, I had a shower last night and while I was in there my hubby brought the washing in, folded it and brought his upstairs to put away but left mine downstairs. I've not asked him why as I can do without an argument. He has also said he wont clean the bathroom because it gets dirty so quickly, he missed the irony there! He hates how long it takes for the hot water to heat up but told me to turn it down on the boiler as it gets too hot, I honestly cannot win with him and nothing I say seems to hit home. I'm fed up with cooking every meal time too.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 12/08/2024 14:10

newcatmam · 12/08/2024 13:52

I'm following this with interest as I'm in the same boat. I did a huge load of washing yesterday and hung it on the line to dry, I had a shower last night and while I was in there my hubby brought the washing in, folded it and brought his upstairs to put away but left mine downstairs. I've not asked him why as I can do without an argument. He has also said he wont clean the bathroom because it gets dirty so quickly, he missed the irony there! He hates how long it takes for the hot water to heat up but told me to turn it down on the boiler as it gets too hot, I honestly cannot win with him and nothing I say seems to hit home. I'm fed up with cooking every meal time too.

Surely you therefore stop doing his washing? this seems like a very simple solution in terms of laundry.

The bathroom one though - well, he's just a prince isn't he?

ObliviousCoalmine · 12/08/2024 14:14

I'd like to introduce you to this -

For the princely sum of £8, she has written the mental load down for you, and given you the phrase "I feel like you're the swan and I'm the fucking legs", which is extremely fitting in many scenarios.

Print it, put a post it with his name on it, and then see if he can find any excuses for why he couldn't possibly fathom that the washing needed doing, despite the basket being full and having to wear his swimming shorts to work that morning.

Fucking swans 🙄

Bluepenguin88 · 12/08/2024 14:41

Just knowing I'm not alone in this is massive - thank you all for the thoughtful replies.

Spoke to DH over lunch - I think he could tell I'm about at the edge of what I can cope with (coming towards the end of school holidays!). He has a notebook where is now writing down jobs - clear DS's old bike away, clean bin etc. I'll see if it makes any difference.

I also told him my 'vision' of what is like our lives to look like and how id like our relationship to be.

Even just organizing our holidays this year - I think he has zero clue about the millions of things I need to remember: cancel online shop, book kennels, sunblock, find sunhats, make sure have all parts of cricket wickets, do everyone's sandals fit, do DC have books to read, id all the laundry we are leaving going to be ok when we are back (no damp towels on top of everything). Plus I feel like that is only 5% of what needs doing!

OP posts:
newcatmam · 12/08/2024 14:58

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 12/08/2024 14:10

Surely you therefore stop doing his washing? this seems like a very simple solution in terms of laundry.

The bathroom one though - well, he's just a prince isn't he?

Yeah the laundry one only happened yesterday but I will only be doing my own in future. But yes, he is very much a little prince :)

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