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Original poster

Did I overreact and ruin things

43 replies

Kittycat90 · 12/08/2024 09:37

Hi everyone

I met a guy on Tinder in June and we really hit it off straightaway. He was really affectionate and communication was consistent. Things moved quite fast but it felt right but we basically have spent every weekend together the last few months have talked about the future and really compatible sexually too.

So this weekend I was at my friends birthday party and I spotted one of his friends that he lived with and went over to say hello. His friend was quite drunk and trying to flirt with me so I shut it down and went to walk away. Then he said to me if I tell you something promise you won’t get mad. He proceeded to tell me that my boyfriend had another woman in their house a few weeks ago.

I’m not going to lie I saw red. I have been cheated on in past relationships and took a softly approach and didn’t confront them properly and vowed I would never be made a fool of again.

I tried to ring my boyfriend and no answer I just wanted to know the truth. Im not proud of it but I tried to ring him 20 times so I know that looks nuts. I text him and asked him if what I was told was true and he wouldn’t ring me back and text me to say what am I doing accusing him of this and said he has been in relationships before where he was accused in the wrong and wasn’t putting up with it. I text and asked if we can talk and he has now blocked me on everything.

can’t believe things went from perfect on Friday to a disaster by Saturday. I wish I hadn’t bumped into his friends and this never happened. He is known to be a bit of a liar but I thought why would he lie about that. I wish I had taken a more mature approach and waited for my boyfriend to answer the phone and ask calmly but my anger got the better of me. Even worse is I know now we’ll never speak again. Do you think I overreacted?

OP posts:
RoachFish · 15/08/2024 07:16

You only met this guy two months ago and some weeks ago he had a date with another woman. Surely you would have only known him a couple of weeks or a month at the most by then? Were you even exclusive? I would have assumed the guy I'm dating is also dating other women at that stage.

I think you jumped the gun massively here. One person, who you had just turned down, decided to put you in your place and let you know that the guy you. actually want is dishonest and you believed him straight away. For me, it would have been a massive red flag if a guy I had recently started dating overreacted that way and I wouldn't want to take things any further.

Original poster
Kittycat90 · 15/08/2024 08:31

Ellie1015 · 12/08/2024 10:27

Did he deny it and say friend is lying? Or just twist it round to you have no right to accuse me??

You were perfectly in the right to ask given the source was his friend who he lives with. I could understand him being annoyed being accused over nothing but in this case it would be weird not to question him. And 20 calls is a lot, but why didnt he answer? Was he genuinely unaware of calls or ignoring you?

He didn’t deny it or say the friend was lying and very much turned it on me. I understand now how calling him so much looks mad. In the past I have tried to be the “chill” girl and that got me nowhere but I know now the other extreme isn’t right either. According to my friend he was back on Tinder the next day so I think that sums it up. He also owes me a few hundred quid that I know I won’t be getting back!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kittycat90 · 15/08/2024 08:33

Rowen32 · 14/08/2024 22:48

Did you not think his friend was annoyed he was getting nowhere flirting with you and made it up?

This is possible but he was very specific in saying that when I was around at their house that’s why he couldn’t look me in the eye because he felt bad for me and I picked up on that at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kittycat90 · 15/08/2024 08:35

RoachFish · 15/08/2024 07:16

You only met this guy two months ago and some weeks ago he had a date with another woman. Surely you would have only known him a couple of weeks or a month at the most by then? Were you even exclusive? I would have assumed the guy I'm dating is also dating other women at that stage.

I think you jumped the gun massively here. One person, who you had just turned down, decided to put you in your place and let you know that the guy you. actually want is dishonest and you believed him straight away. For me, it would have been a massive red flag if a guy I had recently started dating overreacted that way and I wouldn't want to take things any further.

Yes we were exclusive which is why I was so annoyed. We had agreed we weren’t seeing other people

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 15/08/2024 08:36

He also owes me a few hundred quid that I know I won’t be getting back!

Uhhhh WTF?! Why are you lending a guy you’ve known a couple of months even a hundred quid, let alone a few hundred?!

RoachFish · 15/08/2024 08:43

You barely know this person and you gave him a few hundred pounds? You really need to work on your boundaries and stop rushing into things. This was a short fling of 2 months and you are acting like it was a longterm relationship.

SamW98 · 15/08/2024 09:27

You knew this guy a few weeks and he owes
you money - WTAF???

Think you really need to put boundaries in place because that’s crazy. Its does sound like you’ve rushed in and been played if I’m honest

SaintHonoria · 15/08/2024 09:34

'He was really affectionate and communication was consistent. Things moved quite fast but it felt right but we basically have spent every weekend together the last few months have talked about the future and really compatible sexually too.'

I bet if he describes your 'relationship it would be a bit different - 'Met a bird in June and got her to sleep with me before she even knew me and I see her every weekend and just say whatever she wants to hear so that I can shag her.'

June! You only met him in June!

RoachFish · 15/08/2024 09:45

SaintHonoria · 15/08/2024 09:34

'He was really affectionate and communication was consistent. Things moved quite fast but it felt right but we basically have spent every weekend together the last few months have talked about the future and really compatible sexually too.'

I bet if he describes your 'relationship it would be a bit different - 'Met a bird in June and got her to sleep with me before she even knew me and I see her every weekend and just say whatever she wants to hear so that I can shag her.'

June! You only met him in June!

And take hundreds of pounds off of her!

SamW98 · 15/08/2024 09:58

SaintHonoria · 15/08/2024 09:34

'He was really affectionate and communication was consistent. Things moved quite fast but it felt right but we basically have spent every weekend together the last few months have talked about the future and really compatible sexually too.'

I bet if he describes your 'relationship it would be a bit different - 'Met a bird in June and got her to sleep with me before she even knew me and I see her every weekend and just say whatever she wants to hear so that I can shag her.'

June! You only met him in June!

And I managed to chore a few oners off her as well - happy days

Whothefuckdoesthat · 15/08/2024 10:30

In the past I have tried to be the “chill” girl and that got me nowhere but I know now the other extreme isn’t right either You want to achieve the right balance of being pissed off when the man you’re dating treats you like crap? Has it occurred to you that there is another option? That the only way to have a happy life is to concentrate on establishing boundaries so you don’t start dating the men who treat you like crap in the first place?

If you want to live a happy life, there eventually has to be a wake up moment when you realise that you’ve been dating the same man, over and over again, and it’s just not working for you. And the only way to stop yourself from picking these men is to stop dating for a while and work on yourself. It’s not fun. It can actually be quite painful. But it’s less painful than repeatedly putting yourself through this. Do you want to be happy? Because if you keep choosing the same sort of man, you’re going to keep having the same sort of problems.

Things moved quite fast but it felt right It didn’t feel right because it was right. It felt right because you’re used to a pattern of unhealthy behaviour in relationships. It’s comfortable. It feels familiar. That was why it felt right. It’s actually deeply unhealthy. I’m sure that there will be the odd exception of people who met, never spent a night apart and are still besotted with each other, fifty years later, but they are very much the exception to the rule. 99.9% of the time, it’s the first indication that you won’t be on speaking terms within the next month. So is handing over money. So is the L word, or him telling you that he can see himself falling for you. So is talking about the future when you’ve known him for a matter of weeks.

I know I sound really harsh and it’s not just because I’m a snarky cow. It’s because I’ve been where you are now and it was only having a very firmly worded talking to, that it finally got through to me.

DaisyChain505 · 15/08/2024 10:38

If my partner had called me and accused me of this my first reaction would be to say how angry I was at my friend for making up a complete lie, not being mad at my partner for asking.

JustMyView13 · 17/08/2024 13:06

He didn’t deny the accusation, or stick around long enough to explain it - it was probably all true and you dodged a bullet.

Yes, you didn’t handle it the best way - even you see that. But instead of him having the chance to come up with some BS he canned the whole thing. I actually think you’ve probably saved yourself quite a bit of heartache here.

ohyesido · 17/08/2024 13:18

Wow, you met in June and by August you’ve let him take £100s from you?

I mean this gently but do you have low self esteem? Do you think by giving yourself and everything else to a man he might be nice to you? Your reaction was disproportionate, but the question I’d ask us why you took the (nasty) friend’s for it?

Seaoftroubles · 17/08/2024 13:29

He sounds guilty to me. If he'd been innocent he would have been furious with his so called friend, not turned it around on you. You are well rid but please in future get your boundaries in place and don't go lending money to someone youve only known briefly.

RedHelenB · 17/08/2024 13:33

Kittycat90 · 15/08/2024 08:31

He didn’t deny it or say the friend was lying and very much turned it on me. I understand now how calling him so much looks mad. In the past I have tried to be the “chill” girl and that got me nowhere but I know now the other extreme isn’t right either. According to my friend he was back on Tinder the next day so I think that sums it up. He also owes me a few hundred quid that I know I won’t be getting back!

Show quote history

Why on earth would you kend money to someone you've just started seeing and know little about?

Original poster
Kittycat90 · 17/08/2024 13:59

Whothefuckdoesthat · 15/08/2024 10:30

In the past I have tried to be the “chill” girl and that got me nowhere but I know now the other extreme isn’t right either You want to achieve the right balance of being pissed off when the man you’re dating treats you like crap? Has it occurred to you that there is another option? That the only way to have a happy life is to concentrate on establishing boundaries so you don’t start dating the men who treat you like crap in the first place?

If you want to live a happy life, there eventually has to be a wake up moment when you realise that you’ve been dating the same man, over and over again, and it’s just not working for you. And the only way to stop yourself from picking these men is to stop dating for a while and work on yourself. It’s not fun. It can actually be quite painful. But it’s less painful than repeatedly putting yourself through this. Do you want to be happy? Because if you keep choosing the same sort of man, you’re going to keep having the same sort of problems.

Things moved quite fast but it felt right It didn’t feel right because it was right. It felt right because you’re used to a pattern of unhealthy behaviour in relationships. It’s comfortable. It feels familiar. That was why it felt right. It’s actually deeply unhealthy. I’m sure that there will be the odd exception of people who met, never spent a night apart and are still besotted with each other, fifty years later, but they are very much the exception to the rule. 99.9% of the time, it’s the first indication that you won’t be on speaking terms within the next month. So is handing over money. So is the L word, or him telling you that he can see himself falling for you. So is talking about the future when you’ve known him for a matter of weeks.

I know I sound really harsh and it’s not just because I’m a snarky cow. It’s because I’ve been where you are now and it was only having a very firmly worded talking to, that it finally got through to me.

Thank you for this advice. I admit I am guilty of going for the same type and know I need to work on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kittycat90 · 17/08/2024 14:03

ohyesido · 17/08/2024 13:18

Wow, you met in June and by August you’ve let him take £100s from you?

I mean this gently but do you have low self esteem? Do you think by giving yourself and everything else to a man he might be nice to you? Your reaction was disproportionate, but the question I’d ask us why you took the (nasty) friend’s for it?

I believed the friend as I have had similar situations before where I have ignored people telling me a partner was up to no good and I didn’t believe it so any sign of it I wanted to confront him. The timing also ties up with when I noticed a shift in him.

You are correct I have very low self esteem which I am currently in therapy for. To be honest I am desperately lonely. I have no family, most of my friends live far away or have their own families now and I work from home so I spend about 90% of my time on my own. I’m also nearly 31 and really want a family and feel time is running out so I think I’m falling into a trap where anyone will do. I’m sure his type see me coming.

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