How to help alcoholic dad when you've lost patience

[ShanequaAndWhat]

My dad has serious issues (bad upbringing, lonely, low self esteem, incredibly socially awkward and likely autistic/adhd, finds "normal life" very dull) and he resolves these issues by drinking himself silly every so often. Sometimes years apart, sometimes months. This has been going on for about 12 years and as an only child (and he doesn't talk to any living members in his family) I am the one left to sort it all out. At first, I was extremely helpful, driving up constantly, sometimes daily whilst doing a full time job with a baby and made sure to separate the addiction and mental health issues from him. He has always played the damsel in distress with huge pity parties and when I'm not stroking his hair, being forced to buy him alcohol and dropping everything for weeks on end to deal with him I'm the devil. He has messaged me saying awful things and then when I got him into rehab he has never let me forget getting him "locked up" and having to pay the bill.

Each time, I have pulled away more and this time I said don't talk to me again until you've managed to stop drinking. That was Friday and apparently he is worse than ever.

He has a gf in another country and she is obviously out of her mind with worry. I found out today that she has previously dumped him for this behaviour when he visited her a while ago. I live 2 hours away.

I've tried to call a welfare check. An hour on the phone and they said I was calling the wrong agency and to call 999. It's not a 999 issue so I don't know how to help him or how to help myself. I desperately want to help him but I refuse to go through this pain again.

I think I will pop in tomorrow and hand him some food, check he's not too bad and leave. Not even go in the house. I don't know if this is a good idea or a bad idea.

I'm not sure what I'm asking. I don't even know how I feel about it. Just angry I think.

I suppose misery loves company so if you're dealing with similar and want a rant, let's go!

I don't have much to stay other than hang in there. I struggled to separate the parent from the addiction but you have to be a bit selfish and prioritise your own family. I'm not sure where you are but can you contact social services? I've done this several times for an "adult at risk" when I have had to pull back
Sending hugs

I could have literally written your post myself !

I totally get it, I have done this with my dad for far too long. I continuously say enough is enough I need to pull back to protect myself, but then I am left with the “ he has no one else “ “ what is he dies and I cut him off, I will never forgive myself “ so I continue to go through this on a monthly basis. Like you, sometimes he can go months and he’s great ( one of the best guys you can meet ) then it’s like he gets bored of normal life and has to create some drama ! Usually ending with an arrest and prison sentence.

I have no words of wisdom, just that I know how lovely and mentally draining it can really be. I think you have to just sit with it and make the choice. Accept him for who and what he is, and continue or know you done all you can to help him and step back. Extremely hard to do, but you really can’t help someone who just does not want to help them self. I have came to the acceptance that my dad will die a young age due to his choices and I decide to be there and do what I can as that’s how I can best manage my own feelings and guilt. It’s tough though, I have my own family and it takes its toll.

I hope one day, he is strong enough to fight his addiction and issues head on. Sending lots of love x

I had a DP who was like this and I realise now that I was constantly rescuing and enabling him. You don’t have to buy your Dad alcohol. Please contact Al-anon for support so that you can set some boundaries without feeling so guilty.

Like @Twinkle2023 ive had experience of this with my DF.
Sadly over the years Ive learned to tune him out.
Each drunken text or call is an exaggeration and causes me much more stress and worry than him.
Its always a drama involving many people and many scenarios.
Now I’m older , sadly I know these scenarios are mostly fabricated.
Its really really hard to let go and ignore but for my own peace that’s what I’ve had to do.
Sorry this isn’t much help to your current situation , but hopefully shows you are not alone

being forced to buy him alcohol

That is impossible. He cannot force you to do anything. Buying him alcohol is just enabling him and you should never do this. If you need to go no contact, that's what you should do. You can't help him.

I lose my shit at him every 18 months or so and tell him to stop fucking wallowing, stop emotionally blackmailing me or he won't like the result. He shapes up, gets a grip and functions normally for a good while then. He'll never stop drinking, he'll drink himself to death. I have to accept that, it's not my choice, he knows the health risks and is an adult.

I put a stop to the frequent suicide threats by calling the police every single time and he has never tried it on me since. The rest of the family still get it as they're too receptive to it and let themselves be manipulated by it but he doesn't do it to me anymore. I've just had to learn to be harder hearted. It's all a ploy to get people fussing over him. If he meant it, I'd be more sympathetic but frankly if he did then he's been on borrowed time since the 1980s.

Oh wow! I'm truly heartened by your responses. I'm sorry to say that it has really helped to know others are going through this too and understand how I feel or feel the same. I am sorry that you are going through it tho.

Re buying him alcohol, I haven't for a while but when it first started he was emotionally abusive and I think I haven't forgiven him. Still very painful.

His current excuse is that he cannot just stop as he doesn't want to go into withdrawal but he isn't reducing either. From what he has said he might start to try but then has said he needs to drink "because it's wearing off". It sounds like his feelings start to come back when it wears off but obviously that's not the case as when people are speaking to him his feelings are all there. He told me he wants to ruin it all so I said go ahead. I don't know how he is getting more alcohol.

I really don't want to go there today. Dreading it. I might call his doctor.

Thank you everyone

Please speak to these people:-

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

Sending you a handhold. X

So I arranged for his doctor to call him yesterday. They agreed but I had to push that he would answer, he did consent and wanted help. Text him saying he needed to answer and his gf did the same. The call rolls around and he rings my mum about ten mins after asking for help. She asks if he answered and he said he thinks he missed it. Can they call back. They didn't but apparently 111 were going to. We don't know any more than that so they may have and he may have pretended to be perfectly fine or he may not have answered.

What I do know is that at 3am I got a text saying "no one should have to cope with what I have" and then another a little later saying I'd be ok because I'd get lots of money. I ignored both until just now and the money one got deleted. I text him back saying we shouldn't have to cope with what he's putting us through either. So I'm guessing nothing happened with that 111 call.

I was going to pop some food to him yesterday as I was only half an hour away due to work. but I couldn't face it so just drove home. I don't know if that was the right thing.

His poor gf is super sweet and trying to help and my mum separated from him close to 30 years ago but he rings her up begging for help when he's been drinking and she's a far nicer person than me.

He does not want food, he wants to know where the next drink is coming from.

None of you can help him. You are all too close to be of any real use to him and besides which he does not want your help or support. All of you women should withdraw from him now harsh as that may seem. No more thinking about getting food for him, no more calls to the doctor vs on his behalf because he does not want to know.

The 3cs of alcoholism are
You did not cause this
you cannot control this
you cannot cure this

i would suggest you contact Alanon as they are helpful to those affected by another persons drinking. There is a fine line between helping and enabling and to date you’ve done an awful lot of enabling. Enabling does not help your dad nor you as it only gives you a false sense of control.

I have enabled in the past - the first time I was young, taken by surprise and no idea how to handle it - but not for a long time. Just sent him a message basically telling him what I think.

I'm stepping away.

You are not his support human.
Step away. He is the only person that can change this.