Alcoholic Mum keeps threatening suicide TW

[PawsAndReflection]

I am absolutely furious. I'm the eldest of a big family and still have one 18 year old sister living home with Mum (her dad is out of the picture).

We have a family chat and just received a message from my mum saying 'I've had enough but I want you all to know how much I love you' which meant we all immediately started trying to call her and she didn't answer any of us.

I called my youngest sister who was home and she said Mum had been drunk and starting arguments, saying no one cares about her and she may as well kill herself.

Luckily one of my siblings lives nearby so drove straight over and Mum immediately started making out we'd all completely misunderstood her text and she was fine, now she's in the garden with my brother laughing and acting normal.

I know she has a lot on her plate and so much pressure, but this has been years now and she has always used her children as therapists. I spend a lot of time worrying about my younger siblings as I'm 200 miles away and know she'll be putting them through exactly what she did with me but I feel so helpless.

Not sure what to do as I'm equally worried, heartbroken and absolutely fucking livid in equal measure. After my brother leaves later it'll just be Mum and my teenage sister in the house who will be left picking up the pieces. How is this fair?

Have you ever replied’ ‘Hold tight, mum. I’m going to call an ambulance now’?

You say it's a big family, can the 18 year old move in with anyone else?

Can your 18 year old sister live with one of you? Legally she's an adult but realistically she probably won't be able to move out on her own otherwise.

Only a couple of years older than my sister but as soon as I had my own house she came to stay til she was old enough to move out, our mother wasn't an alcoholic but similar behaviour otherwise.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Please contact Al Anon - it's for friends and families of alcoholics.

Alcoholism is a shit disease. It's not fair that it picks on parents, spouses, children. It's not fair on the alcoholic, or on the people affected.

Its not your mum's fault she's an alcoholic, but it's her responsibility to seek treatment. It's not yours, nor your siblings, and you cannot fix your mum.

My ex had a habit of getting drunk out of her mind and maudlin and then calling to say that she'd taken a bunch of pills. I'd then spend a couple of hours on the phone with her trying to work out if she really had taken an overdose, trying to persuade her to get help etc etc etc.

Then one night she did it again. Rather than giving her lots of attention, I said "I'm going to put the phone down now so I can call an ambulance". I think she turned them away but she never tried that with me again.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry! I am also going through this right now with my dad but I am the only one. It's a really difficult situation.

I'd say get the 18 year old out of the house now. Can she go to a friends or a hotel for the night? She doesn't need this! I get that she will want to help but she cannot be used as a pawn in your mums game.

Thinking of you and here if you want a rage or moan.

You may wish ti go to the stately homes thread

Thanks everyone, all really good advice.

To answer the main question, no the 18 year old can't really go anywhere else. Her entire life is in our hometown and I'm in London, I'm really the only person with the space and income to take her in. Secondly my mum is fiercely protective of having her kids at home, she's had a very very tough time particularly with partners and her career and really defines herself by how good of a mum she is.

If I were talking to a friend about this I'd say 'sod it and just get your sister to move down, it'll make mum sort herself out' but I genuinely think there's a far greater risk of her hurting herself if I leave her alone. I just hate that the only option is a fucking teenager and feel so guilty.

How is it possible that such a strong, funny, kind, generous, gorgeous woman can change so drastically after a couple of glasses of wine? She's an absolute lightweight too so I don't know how that's still the case after years of drinking.

I just feel so sad.

I'd never considered this thank you xx

One thing to consider when wondering why your mum's behaviour is changing so much on only two glasses of wine: that may well not be all she's drinking. Those glasses of wine may just be what she's allowing herself to be seen drinking.

Alcoholics can often be stunningly good at hiding just how much they're actually putting away. Vodka in the wine, a secret bottle in the handbag or tucked away in the cupboard, sneaky refills... I've seen them all.

Even if the risk is greater if your Mum is on her own, she's an adult. Nothing is stopping her engaging with helpful services if she genuinely feels that way.
Please protect the teenager. It's too much responsibility for her. Imagine your Mum did something and she had to deal with the aftermath directly. I'd worry more about preventing that than preventing your Mum doing anything