Help I've made a mess off it and I can't let go.

[Chrisjackson888]

Hi,
So about 4 months ago myself and my wife separated.
To say I'm devastated is an understatement.
The problem is it's all my fault.
I've recently found out I've got adhd and I've definitely suffered from depression for years.
This is no excuse but to try and escape from my worries and trouble I started gambling, not money as such but mainly using free spins, once that became less of a distraction I turned to porn and finally I messaged an ex.
The messaging an ex is something I've done before...probably more than once although it's been about 5 yeaslrs since I last did it I've done it again.
I have been stuck in a cycle of distraction I guess for years. Always struggling with depression and stress but mostly I had it under control. Then about 5 years ago I had a break down at work and never delt with it properly just kinda gritted my teeth and soldered on.
I don't think I've been able to handle any for of stress for a long time since.
In amongst the last 5 years I've been trying to qualify as a driving instructor and failed at a huge cost to me and my family. This definitely increased my depression.

However we decided I should give it another go but this time I would throw my self in to it properly. So I did the tests and applied for my licence and began to work full time as a instructor. While still needed to pass a test to become fully qualified.

During the last year my car broke down constantly and I failed my test twice. The pressure was truly building and I was even thinking maybe of I had an accident I would take away the pressure from my wife and kids.
But instead if talking to my wife about my stress and worry about money, and the fact that I couldn't pass this test I got lost in my own cloud of self loathing and began to look for an escape..that's when I started gambling and so on.
I messaged my ex a simple message about if she was looking forward to her birthday. My wife found out and rightly asked me to leave. Especially as I've done this before and agreed I would never do it again.
Its always been a cycle I've been stuck in.

Since we've been separated I've been to counselling to work on my depression and started taking medication for my recently diagnosed adhd.

But I'm so racked with guilt and sadness I've found it really hard to leave my wife alone and give her space she needs. She doesn't want to rekindle our relationship and is clearly very angry with me and rightly so.

I'm looking for advice and help because I want nothing more than to try and short things out. I don't care if I've got to show her my phone ever day or my bank accounts every day.
I've taken myself of gambling websites and band my self from them.
I dont know how to move on and I cry every day because of what I've done.

I don't know what to do.

I’m sorry OP but you have to respect her wishes and back off, give her the space she is asking for.

It sounds like you are going through a tough time and I am truly sorry for that, but you’ve also put your wife through a tough time. She deserves time and space to decide what she wants, anything you do at this stage other than leaving her alone to digest all of this will only make things worse.

Focus on yourself, and let her make a decision.

@Chrisjackson888 - it sounds like you’ve had and are having a really tough time. As the PP has said, you need to respect your wife’s wishes and leave her alone. Continue to work on fixing yourself. You’re doing the right things now.

Don’t rack yourself with guilt. Most of us have made some major fuck-ups in life. I certainly have. But you can’t put back time. You’re experiencing the consequences of your mistakes but this is also an opportunity for you to fully repair yourself. You’re having counselling for depression; your ADHD is medicated. These are the building blocks for your new, stable life. You will get there, OP. Just focus on your recovery for now. Let everything else unfold as it will.