Separation - cohabit or new house?

[Blueskiessunshine]

I'm hoping that people's experiences can help me make a decision that I am totally stuck on. For context, I ended a 15 year relationship with my partner 18 months ago. We had both been unhappy for many years, living separate lives. Two children who I mostly raised alone due to his priority over work, sports, trips away, etc.

It is mostly amicable between us although can be up and down as he didn't want to end it. I 100% do and am so ready to move on and live my own life. I randomly met someone at the start of the year who has been an amazing support to me through everything. My ex knows all about it and that has obviously caused some issues.

We were not married but jointly own a house together. He wants us to keep the house and for it to remain as the main home for the children, whilst we split the time living in it. I haven't figured out where I would stay for the 2/3 days a week I wouldn't be able to be there.

He has also offered to buy me out. I can't afford to buy him out.

For me the idea of starting totally fresh and buying my own home is more appealing. But he said that would be the selfish option and would be more unsettling for the kids, as they would have two homes.

Has anyone continued to share the house, living in it at different times to each other. Can it work? Can that ever feel like a fresh start?

And if I moved out into a new home - is that selfish? Would the kids be massively unsettled?

For context, I know why he wants the arrangement with the house. He wasn't fully in the kids lives for so long that he knows they would just want to live with me. By keeping their familiar family home and sharing it, they will feel more 'comfortable' being with just him when I'm not there. He knows that if I move out it will be harder for them to willingly want to stay with him.

I don't know what to do for the best!

No, he wants to keep the house so he can pretend he’s still in a relationship with you. It’s not good for you and it’s certainly not good for the kids. Most children adapt very well to an amicable split if it’s handled well.
A clean break is what’s needed where everyone knows where they stand. find yourself somewhere else to live, let him buy you out or sell the house completely. Start your new life the way you want,

Definitely let him buy you out and start afresh. Many many children have two homes with separated parents and they get used to it and adept well when it’s amicable.

He seems to be using the kids to emotionally blackmail you into staying under same roof. I would counter his argument that it’s more confusing for the kids to have you both in same home living separate lives.

The only other thing I would say - and you haven’t mentioned it anyway - is don’t think about moving your new bf in any time soon. Give the kids a good amount of time to get used to their new living arrangements before bringing anyone else into the mix.

buy your own house it will be more unsettling for the kids if one of yous get a future partner and want to live with them. It’s like he still wants that control over you and if he’s not used to helping who will tidy up after him when he leaves after a few days. Where would he stay for half the week as well

Go separate ways and let him have p/t custody. Dont let the kids think you’re leaving them. Is the house not owned 50/50? Woukd he not pay maintenance to help you keep the house?

Thank you for your quick replies. You have all said what I feel is the right thing to do. He has always had the control and can be a bully, just two of the things I want to be free from. But he has made me believe that it would be selfish for me to move out.

Just to add, the guy I have met has two children the same age as mine. He has them 50% of the time and adores them. There is no way we would rush anything in regards to meeting each others kids/moving in, etc. They don't even know about us yet.

And the comment about tidying was interesting. He hadn't used the washing machine once in the time we were together and has had to label it recently so he knows how to use it. I've always done everything around the house, so maybe that is another thing he is thinking about!

Nesting can work if both parties are willing to communicate and do their 50%. From sounds of things you will do more than 50%

There is a question as to where you will live when not in the current home. But seemingly not where x will be? Sounds to me like you will get a raw deal going with a main home for nesting

Kids get used to split homes and new places not always something we can prevent I life. What will make it easier is supportive parents to help them through change.

In your case I would let.him buy you out and get your own place.

This 100%.

Also, OP, you say he has made me believe that it would be selfish for me to move out. So he’s gaslighting you, on top of everything else.

I wish you and DC a happy future in your new home.

Thanks all. The only place I would have to stay is a relatives sofa if we nested. I told my ex I didn't want this to be my long term living solution and he said we all have to make sacrifices!

I'm looking at a house on Wednesday and am terrified but a tiny bit excited/optimistic about a brand new start and my own front door!

Nesting is where you buy/rent another property and you take it in turns to live there when not in the main home - not sofa surfing !

You need to leave the house and the relationship. Either sell it & each buy your own properties or let him buy you out. I would suggest the former as I suspect he is hoping the kids will stay with him if he keeps the house.

Definitely 2 separate homes. I actually think this is less confusing for DC than one home which parents switch. There is no reason why they can’t have 2 homes set up for them. Things will need to be taken back and forth but best if they have their things at both houses if it’s a 50/50 or 40/60 split.

You are right. It's not until people state the obvious that I see what I'm going along with. He makes me feel guilty for the breakdown of the relationship and as the one who ended it I kind of go along with what he suggests is for the best. But at 45 years old I really don't want to be sleeping in a sleeping bag on a sofa!

Am I right in thinking you are basically cooking, cleaning, shopping and washing for him? If you are this needs to stop.

If he wants 50:50 care is he doing that now? So on his days, taking to school, arranging childcare, drop off and pick up, drs appointments, laundry, meals etc? If not he needs to be doing this.

No, he's not doing that. He talks about 50% share but his work and lifestyle (his choices) will never allow it. He has a property abroad which he spends a week out of every month at. So he says he wants close to 50% but then also chucks in that there will need to be a lot of flexibility on that, i.e. he won't be able to fulfil it.

We have a cleaner and I have stopped doing his washing/meals.

When I spoke to a family solicitor she said that I should stay in the house with the kids and he should move out, but I would need to go to court to get that, which I can't afford to do and just don't have that in me. If I can have freedom in another/easier way then I'll do that.