How would you react?

[whattododoido]

How would you feel if your partner who had issues with cocaine, didn’t come home at least once a month, had a history of cheating on his exes with prostitutes, but he got diagnosed with adhd and possible autism. men with adhd/autism are linked to risk taking/having addictions. Would the fact they have adhd/autism affect how you react to them? Would you go easier? Be understanding that they have these risky ways because they’ve been diagnosed. Or would you react the same way as if they hadn’t been diagnosed?

Thank you all so much for the advice. I stupidly have felt sorry for him and think because he has been diagnosed with them, it isn’t his fault and he doesn’t mean to do these things. Thinking maybe I should’ve reacted differently/handled things differently. Your help has given me the validation I really needed. Thank you. X

The cocaine use would sway it for me. He would be an ex with no.contact

It may or may not be his conditions. It doesn’t really matter. The fact remains that he is engaging in behaviours you don’t like and that make you uncomfortable. You are important and your thoughts and feelings are valid. You need to do what’s best for you, not what’s best for him.

It doesn't really make any difference why someone takes drugs or sees prostitutes, what matters is the chaos it brings to a relationship. Why make trouble for yourself when you can move on

Autism and ADHD are not excuses for drug use and cheating.
Millions have those conditions and can behave. Time to move on.

I’m AuDHD, late diagnosed. I’m very conscious that I’m susceptible to spiralling with bad habits - I used to drink heavily. I became aware of this long before I was diagnosed and took action to get control of things.
The bad habits might be self-medicating for the AuDHD, but they don’t excuse the way he treats you. You can’t trust him. As my Mum used to say - ‘Without trust, there is no relationship.

Mate, I've got quite a few male friends with ADHD and/or autism and all them have managed to get by in life and have happy marriages without going on cocaine binges and purchasing women's bodies to masturbate into.

You should be running so fast Usain Bolt can't catch you.

His adhd doesn't mean you have to lead a shit life

Is he trying to 'excuse' his unacceptable behaviours by saying 'It's not my fault ! It's because I've got ADHD and Autism ! ??

Or is this YOU, trying to 'rationalize' his shitty behaviours ?

Either way, being ASD and having ADHD does NOT make drug taking, cheating and prostitute use 'acceptable' in ANY way.

It is also, as PP's have said, an insult to people with those conditions who have managed, easily, to neither take drugs, cheat on their partners or have sex with prostitutes !

Stop engaging with him at all, and raise your expectations to include NOT cheating, drug taking and use of prostitutes as a BASIC bloody requirement from ANY partner !

You don't deserve to be treated so badly, no-one does.

P.S

There are a multitude of 'conditions' that make anyone more 'vulnerable' to high risk behaviours, and yet the MAJORITY of people affected manage to NOT engage with such behaviours.

It's a 'cop out' to try to say it's somehow solely due to these medical conditions that your P has no 'agency/choice/option' other than to cheat, do drugs and pay for sex !

Thank all so much, I really appreciate it. I’ve clearly been far too soft. I was made to feel guilty for being angry/upset with him. When he wouldn’t come home I’d go mad, as I’d been full of anxiety after being ignored for days. Then I used to think I was too harsh on him. Thank you.

Right so he's making you feel guilty because he's making out that he can't help it, but you're supposed to be able to handle your reaction to him taking cocaine and not coming home?

If he's trying to make out he couldn't help it then he also needs to understand that you can't help your emotional reaction and response to trauma or betrayal either. A normal, natural and common reaction to that kind of thing from a NT person would be to be angry and upset.

When he wouldn’t come home I’d go mad, as I’d been full of anxiety after being ignored for days.
This kind of thing rewires the brain due to the emotional stress and trauma. I've been there with an ex and I have an extreme response to any kind of stonewalling or ignoring. I would NOT be able to deal with a new partner not coming home at all. I would have no tolerance. If he did it once it would be over!
So if he wants to blame his brain then you can also blame yours.
And I say that as someone with ADHD too!

I hope you aren't staying with him, knowing he he has ADHD/Autism and is prone to risk taking behaviour doesn't really help to buffer the damage that it does to you when he takes drugs, goes missing or if you think he's hired prostitutes.

@kkloo thank you. He would make me feel guilty for being angry. Twice I asked him not to come home because I was so angry, he had been doing this for years and enough was enough. But he and his family turned it around on me and said I shouldn’t lock him out of my house! I’ve blamed myself over and over. He had a child, who stayed at my house when he had him. When I asked him not to come home obviously his child couldn’t stay at mine. Maybe I was wrong doing that? It’s not as though they didn’t have someone to stay, they would stay at my partners mums house. The child didn’t know different as we would all stay there sometimes anyway and would stay there when he chose not to come home. But it’s giving me all sorts of guilt. And after what the family have said I feel awful.

Just to be clear, this is your home? In your name? It seems to be, from what I have read. If I were you, I would just say he can't come there any more - his family are clearly trying to push the responsibility of him onto you, and guilt you into having him because they don't want to.

he is a liability - and he needs to accept the consequences of his actions, which are, that no body reasonable will have him under their roof. That is on him, not on you

@mytuppennyworth yes my house before we met. Thank you. It’s made me question myself and feel awful.

This

Of course they're trying to make you feel guilty Op, he's their DC so they'll be on his side, plus which although they love him they may not want him living at home again if he's troubled. It's your house, totally your choice who lives there. He's not trying to get help so nothing will change, feel guilty but don't change your mind

His family sound like a bunch of enablers.

I have a family full of ND people and they sometimes they've made impulsive shitty choices but they own the consequences, try and find how to do better in future, get support with addictive tendencies and make amends with changed behaviours and doing work on themselves.

Sounds like he just does whatever he feels like and everyone around him goes "he can't help it, poor wee lamb" and castigates anyone (you) if they have a problem with being treated like shit and dare to say anything.

Of course they don't want their car crash son not having access to you and your house, because then THEY have to be in the hurricane of shit that is him constantly.

Of course they're trying to make.you feel guilty. If you are not there to look after him, he becomes their problem. How isn't that he gets to do all of these awful things and you are supposedly the one in the wrong? This is so messed up. Get out of there. Life will be so much better, so much lighter.