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Original poster

Soon to be ex texts to my kid inappropriate?

31 replies

Lollip189 · 10/08/2024 21:09

Hi all. Sorry if this is a bit long.

Been having issues with partner. We have a child together and I have 2 from previous relationship.

'Partner' and I currently on a break. We've been having some issues. I was foolish enough to agree to have a baby with him when things weren't exactly stable. He was living between my house and his mother's. He's never lived alone. One of the issues we've had is with him storming back to the city where he stays with his mum when we have a falling out. On one of these occasions I was miscarrying but he had to go back to work, but the way in which he did it made me feel abandoned and anxious. We fell out and I didn't hear from him for a couple of days after he left.

Well today he's been saying I need to make a decision about our break. I felt a bit pressured and said I didn't know, but I felt him storming out at the last time was one too many, that I don't trust he can handle the bad times. Well, he roughly kissed our son whilst he was napping on my knee saying "bye son" (my own son had come down at this point and saw this) then he roughly hugged my son, stormed out banging the front door. My son was visibly shaken and was asking what was wrong.

Since then he has been sending my son texts saying things like "I'm not coming back" "take care of your brother" "I wish things could go back to the way they were" "I know I'm hurting too" "you call me if you need to talk".

I may be way off here and I'm not sure how to handle the situation, but are these a bit inappropriate? I'm open to all opinions as I'm not sure how to navigate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollip189 · 15/08/2024 16:59

@GrazingSheep he's sad about the situation and misses him. Yes, ex did apologise to us both. It's a complicated situation as DS doesn't see dad a lot, we're going through the courts as there was a safety issue, so he saw my ex as a father figure. He's had 2 losses, which is very sad for him. But to me, this makes it all the worse with my ex because he is well aware of what's happening with DS father.

OP posts:
Notamum12345577 · 15/08/2024 17:56

Lollip189 · 10/08/2024 21:09

Hi all. Sorry if this is a bit long.

Been having issues with partner. We have a child together and I have 2 from previous relationship.

'Partner' and I currently on a break. We've been having some issues. I was foolish enough to agree to have a baby with him when things weren't exactly stable. He was living between my house and his mother's. He's never lived alone. One of the issues we've had is with him storming back to the city where he stays with his mum when we have a falling out. On one of these occasions I was miscarrying but he had to go back to work, but the way in which he did it made me feel abandoned and anxious. We fell out and I didn't hear from him for a couple of days after he left.

Well today he's been saying I need to make a decision about our break. I felt a bit pressured and said I didn't know, but I felt him storming out at the last time was one too many, that I don't trust he can handle the bad times. Well, he roughly kissed our son whilst he was napping on my knee saying "bye son" (my own son had come down at this point and saw this) then he roughly hugged my son, stormed out banging the front door. My son was visibly shaken and was asking what was wrong.

Since then he has been sending my son texts saying things like "I'm not coming back" "take care of your brother" "I wish things could go back to the way they were" "I know I'm hurting too" "you call me if you need to talk".

I may be way off here and I'm not sure how to handle the situation, but are these a bit inappropriate? I'm open to all opinions as I'm not sure how to navigate it.

Some are ok, the one ‘text me if you need to talk’ is a nice message imo. But the one saying ‘I’m not coming back’ is not right. Along with others

Conniebygaslight · 15/08/2024 18:33

OP. I’ve worked with young people where parents have messaged them with similar things. It’s hugely abusive with long term damage. Please protect your children from this behaviour.

Marosanne · 15/08/2024 18:33

He's using your son to get to you. My daughter's ex did this by messaging ME after she blocked him and refused to respond to him (he was violent and unpredictable). Don't let him use your son as a conduit to you! You have no idea what he may say next, so block him on your son's phone.

thebestinterest · 16/08/2024 14:19

Shocked you have to ask the question of whether or not that is okay behavior from another “adult.” Honestly, I’m shocked.

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 16/08/2024 14:26

Lollip189 · 15/08/2024 16:18

He's apologised since. The thing is with him, he will do something from a quick reaction. So he will react in the emotion instead of sitting with it. Again, like a child. I don't mind some cooling off time, but to eff off back to another city, esp when we have a kid ain't cricket. He isn't all bad, he has some deep issues. However, I've tried to accommodate as best I can over the years but have had empty promise after empty promise. This current issue was just the final straw. Issues or not, you have to face up to yourself sooner rather than later. It just got too late.

@whyalltheusernames funnily enough me ex, my older 2 children's father, is just like that. So current, ex I suppose he is now, knows, so I was mega pissed off when he did that. We've agreed to keep it as amicable as possible. I hope he sticks to that. Yup, in the city where he lives with his mum. After the miscarriage he went back there and I didn't hear off him for a day or two. He hasd great difficulty facing hard situations during the relationship.

It’s all very well apologising, but that damage has now been done and can’t be undone.

Tell him he needs to seriously grow up before your joint dc gets older, or he’ll damage him as well.

I mean, really seriously, he needs to know that adults protect children from their emotions, they don’t lash out and they don’t use them to score points.

He really needs to understand how serious his behaviour was.

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