10 month old baby and I'm done with my husband

[Sealwatcher]

Me and my husband have been together almost 10 years and we have a 10 month old daughter.
After she was born he was initially great, he changed every nappy for 2 weeks ect ect.
As time has gone on I feel like he is totally uninterested in both of us. I spoke to him about it a few months ago got very upset and he has been much better with our daughter since.
I feel like our relationship is in the pan, we've had sex about 5 times since our daughter was born I have been finding it painful but he just doesn't seem to have the patience to actually work through it. I'm shattered because I work 3 days a week and do almost everything around the house, I do 95% of the night wakes and feeds. He works long 13hr shifts so I know he is also tired but only works 4 days a week, he seems to think think his days off are still for playstation and seeing his friends and not actually looking after our daughter.
We had the opportunity to go out whilst my mum looked after our daughter on my birthday for a bit for the first time since she was born and he went out with his friends that he sees every week.
I know he thinks I just moan at him all the time but I literally am at the point where I'm thinking about leaving and anytime I speak to him he just doesn't speak.

What else can I do? I feel like he doesn't take me seriously when I tell him I'm done. I don't know what to do.

So sorry he's behaving this way, leaving you with the load. Has he explained why he changed from the keen new father to this, was it in reaction to realising how life now is and unconsciously rejecting it? He should be supporting you, I don't get these guys who behave this way, and know full well the mother of their child will pick up the slack.

Ten years is a long time, how was he before with seeing friends and spending time with you? Has he done it more since having your baby as a form of escapism?

The sex 5 times is completely normal for some couples after having a baby, I think my husband and I are at the same and we have a 12 month old. Yeah we miss the old days and old way we related to eachother but it's not forever this baby bit, and he knows I was mullered by carrying a baby, wouldnt dream of making it an issue!

Hope things get better, he really needs to get it through his head though that free time doesn't exist anymore unless there's parity, he should be spending time with his young family and helping more round the house.

You're in the midst of the dark zone, so the outlook feels bleak. It is the hardest time though and I think unless you have round the clock help from numerous trusted sources, it's really quite shit. Similar happened in my relationship but we sought help with counselling which helped us both. Now, 2 years later we can see just how awful that time was for ourselves and each other. Would you give counselling a go before you call it a day?

He went out with his mates for your birthday?? He sounds grim.

When you say you pick up most everything, do you cook for him? Do hus laundry? Time to quit both.

Thank you for not making me feel crazy!
I know we are in the depths of it and I've always been told not to talk divorce before 12 months. I think I had these great expectations of him that havnt materialised.
@Imisscoffee2021 that's interesting, I think we need to sit down and talk. I just don't know how to get him to speak, he just won't. Yes
@BecuaseIWantItThatWay did you do couples counselling or see somebody individually? I would definitely do it, I don't know about him.
@GrumpyPanda yeah I know, I was gutted. I still haven't had an apology 😔

We had counselling together and separately (very lucky to have my individual ones free at work), which helped massively for a) validating my own feelings and b) focusing on what we both needed from each other. Even though I felt as you do, I was part of the problem too.

Just to say I don't think it's hopeless for you. It's very easy to say LTB based on isolated facts, but even the fact that you're still with him suggests part of you at least thinks he is worth it if he got his act together. Sounds like he has a lot he needs to deal with (retreating to games is always a major red flag) to be the husband you need, but I hope that can be achieved for you all. 💐

I think having a baby is like throwing a grenade into your relationship and it really shows up any differences in how you view things and how you split chores etc. I don’t know if this will be helpful but it’s okay if you now realise it isn’t going to work - I had the same situation after having my dd (who is now 21). I’d been with her Dad 6 years but I knew by the time she was 8 months ish that it just wasn’t going to work. We were very different people and being honest I just felt total resentment towards him for all sorts of things. I left him when dd was 8 months old and it was actually much easier than leaving later on as she has grown up never knowing us together, she just saw us being separated as the norm. So don’t feel you have to stick at it if it just isn’t working.

In contrast, I met my second dh when dd was around 6 (years old, I think can’t quite remember now) and we had a dc together who is now 12 and it was a completely different experience. It made me realise I was totally right to leave my ex: although I knew that anyway really it just highlighted the difference.

@BecuaseIWantItThatWay Thank you, I will definitely bare this in mind, it's something to try and help. I don't want our marriage to end but I also want to be happy, I just need to know if he actually wants to try. Neither of us had the most blissful childhood so maybe he's struggling and just won't tell me

@Pigeonqueen it's definitely a spanner in the works, like I said above, I think I had these expectations of the kind of father he would be and the reality hasn't quite kept up. I want it to work but I can't live like this forever.