Hi all, (slightly long - sorry)
I've posted a couple of times recently about struggling with what to do with regards my relationship. In short we've been struggling for a while, every time I've asked for space to think/work out what I want etc I've not been given it as he just doesn't listen.
He wrote me a letter a couple of weeks ago about his feelings and what he wanted and needed etc and asked for clarity from me as I wasn't sure (hence needing space, but not being allowed it). I sent him a long letter explaining everything going on in my head, things I've been struggling with, the way I see it, the hurt and damage we have both been doing to each other and explained how as hard as it is, I don't think we are compatible (this is from help with replies on my previous thread, so thank you) and maybe we should call it a day.
He pushed for a reply to his letter, hence the one I sent him was initially started the day after when he was asking for an answer to what I wanted, even though emotions were high and I wanted to reply respectfully and thoughtfully, rather than just playing a blaming game, yet again like may aspects of the relationship he kept pressuring me, making it all about him. So I got it done over a few days and sent it him. He took it to work to read on Monday just gone (I did advise that may not be appropriate, but that's his decision) - he text me that night saying he had read it and he admitted he knew I was hurting, but he just didn't realise how much pain, as admitted he was too wrapped up in his own selfish self-pity and loneliness. He admitted instead of trying to force the amount of love he has to give on me, he should have been listening, like I'd been asking him too. He admitted how much he cares for me and that he's messed things up. Admitted he knows I've tried so hard and that he never meant to hurt me. He did say that everything I wrote in my letter would take some time for him to digest and come to turns with. He did say he was going to try and stay out of the way to give me this space (has ability to work late the odd night) and will stay at his dads at weekends going forward.
We own the house and he says he can't travel from his dads everyday (about 1 hour drive away).
What I'm coming on her for this time is with regards the message I've just got which has completely floored me and I don;t know how to cope - basically as much as he was working late to give space etc, he's completely ignore me this week - I've heard him sneaking in at 1/2 am every morning (which has then left me awake for hours) -he's sleeping in another room so hasn't come into me. However despite saying he was going to spend weekends with his dad for a few weeks, he has said this previously and not gone, however I wasn't chasing him - he actually saw my daughter yesterday am on his way out and he said to her that he was going to his dads this weekend as he had his son - well at least I then knew, but I had stupidly hoped he would at least be man enough to just send a message to confirm he was definitely not here.
He eventually messaged later on, to ask if I'm okay as hasn't seen me since Sunday, it may seem like he has been purposefully avoiding me and he guessed in a way he was. He admitted that after reading my letter just how much pain and torment I'm struggling with, not just between us but in every aspect of my life and he has come to realise just how much being with him has massively added to the decline in my mental health over the years (just short of 4 yrs together) He said he was sorry and he's failed to love me, protect and look after me. He said my letter gave him closure ( I did say at the bottom of my letter I would never want to end a relationship over letter or a text - so expected him to come and talk to me at least)
Anyway I replied and advised that I appreciate giving me space was good, but him rocking in at 1/2am every night is not normal, advised it's kept me up - to which he hasn't apologised for. He ignored this part at first but has just admitted aside from work and seeing his eldest son sometimes, he's been on calls with a female friend who is also lonely and they talk about anything and everything - he's admitted this isn't what I wanted to hear but it's the truth!! This has just hit me like a ton of bricks as I knew there was more too it. He said he;s not trying to hurt me but he needs to live his life and I need to live mine. He said he's not going to apologise for feeling like this anymore.
What's really upset me is, I've been trying so hard to ask for space to think, he's constantly pressured me into giving answers, sulked when he hasn't got his way or attention from me and I've had to put up with it. But he's now just suddenly decided to give space now he wants and has clearly a female friend to give him that comfort he needs!! Tbh apart from married older women at work, as far as I knew he didn't have any female friends.
Sorry this is longer than I hoped and I;m not even sure if I've made much sense as I've tried to explain but not go into every details. Nor do I know what I expect from posting as I know it's definitely over, but I just don't know what to do as I can't afford to be on my own, I've no family support and don;t really have anyone I can talk too. I thought I was doing the right thing, explaining how and what I've been struggling with as he asked, but now I feel I've shot myself in the foot and he's using everything I've said against me.
I just feel so hurt and like I never meant that much for him - he can't even bring himself to talk to me, it's always over text, yet denies being a coward! I'm not saying I'm innocent or perfect, but I genuinely feel so used and even more broken than I was already.
Am I wrong to feel like him admitting to moving, talking to another female friend who is lonely and his sudden change of attitude is not right?? (bearing in mind, he has supposedly been cheated on before!) How the heck are we supposed to live in the same house now? (well when he rocks in that is!!)
As I said I'm sorry this is so long, please be kind if you read and reply - i'm just feeling so lost, broken and scared right now and I honestly don't know what to do. I've cried through writing this, so sorry if any mistakes (need to sort myself out before I pick my daughter up from a club at 4.30pm!)