I feel so guilty but do not want to feel trapped

[charlstraw]

Sorry about a lengthy post, I need some help.

I had been with my ex for 20 years. He never got on with my family so it caused a lot of disputes between us.

In general he was nice but I think he had anger issues, no physical harm ever though. When he got angry he would start swearing at me, following day he was very apologetic and try to justify it. We have two DC and he is a great father to them.

I left him about 7 years ago for about a year and he begged me to return throughout that time, and I did. I felt trapped ever since I did.

One evening he was arrested by the police as he lost his temper with a friend and it got almost physical. When I asked him he started yelling and swearing infront of one of my friends. This was the final straw for me, so I asked him to leave. He threatened to kill himself first, and was accusing me of having an affair. There was a lot of emotion and tears, after about two weeks he left. I gave him a sum of money to start again.

He will see DC whenever he wants, they go to him, they are 15 and 16. I have blocked him on my phone as I don’t want to be persuaded to get back together. DC have told me he has lost his place as he could not keep up with high rent.

I feel soooo guilty, his job is very seasonal, so money can be tricky for him. He has told the DC he wants to get back with me, but I cannot, I don’t feel anything in that way. Yet I feel very guilty and I do worry that it is my fault that he could potentially be homeless. His parents died several years ago, he has nowhere else.

How do I help but without getting trapped into a relationship again?

I don't have much advice, but it's not on you to fix him or make his life easier for him. He needs to do that for himself. If that means changing jobs to better suit his current set-up then that's what he needs to do. He shouldn't be relying on you, and it's not for you to bail him out.

You've already been more than generous giving him money to set him up in the 1st place.

He most likely can't change, so don't go back.

You don’t help, that sounds tough but he is an adult, he could get a different job/get a cheaper place to live/apply for benefits-NONE of this is your fault. I fear he may use your DC to emotionally blackmail you, you have to be strong xx

Were you married and are you legally divorced? You say you gave him money to set him up- do you mean as part of a divorce settlement?

If still married you could divorce and sort out a fair financial settlement so you are no longer financially linked to each other. This could mean you having to sell your home or making yourself financially insecure, but it would save you having a legal and (misplaced) moral obligation to support him.

If not married, you’ve done more than enough. You say his work is seasonal. So why hasn’t he got himself a more secure or second job? Even looked into benefit? He’s an adult. You don’t help someone by giving them handouts every single time they get themselves into a mess of their own doing. It would be different if he had ever pulled his weight or contributed to your household, not already been given money to set him up that he’s misused and it was some serious and unforeseen medical condition preventing him paying his bills. It’s not.

Stop letting him emotionally control you. You are not a household anymore. You take care of yours, he takes care of his.

We were engaged but never married. I was the main breadwinner and I think because I just about covered all household expenses he never really sorted himself out properly. He would say he could not get a proper job because of school drop off and pick ups.

Thank you for the advice, outside perspective really helps.

Why do you feel guilty @charlstraw ?

His choice to behave the way he did resulted in consequences. His choices resulted in him being arrested, FFS. Why is it you feel guilty?

He is very manipulative. And he is still manipulating you through your children.

You have no reason to feel guilty. Please stop trying to find a way to help him, he's using you, he needs to learn to be a grown up. Or more likely move on to another victim.

You've already put boundaries in place on your phone to protect yourself, you need to put those boundaries in your head now. Mentally block his attempts at manipulation and control, because that's all it is. He may come across as a poor hard done by, pathetic soul but he's just an angry, lazy little 'man' who is choosing not to adult whilst trying to control someone else (you and your children) to do the adulting for him. Fuck that shit.

See his behaviour for what it is and try and fill your head with thoughts other than him

With all kindness op, stop.

You've helped this horrible, yes, horrible man enough. I wouldn't be surprised if he lost the place deliberately as another manipulation to get you to take him back. The same as the suicide threats were.

Teach your children that we do not stay with abusive partners. And we are not responsible for their choices. Do you want your kids thinking its normal to ve in abusive relationships? Or to blame themselves for abusers behaviours or lifestyles?

Enough is enough. You need to have a serious chat with your kids already too about how their fathers behaviour is unacceptable and you will never take him back. And how they need to be aware he will try to manipulate them too and you are there for them if they ever need to talk but, once again, you.will.never.get.back.with.him.

I'd also apologise to them for staying with him for as long as you did and tell them you hope they make better life choices when it comes to partners.

You're out now, stay out.

He can rent somewhere with low rent. Ie sleep in his frigging car until he can, its summer, he'll be fine.

Put him out of your mind and focus on raising your children to be nothing like him.

Brilliant advice on this thread. Don't feel guilty OP.

Just a side thought op, the 'i feel guilty' is probably left over from him making you feel you need to prove your worth/goodness.

There is no one watching you now expecting you to be a martyr in order to prove these things.

You are good btw, otherwise you wouldn't care about other people. You don't need to prove your goodness. Certainly not to him btw, because he WANTS to see you as bad, so he will never have to accept that he his the bad person. And so that you will continue to tie yourself in knots by looking inwards instead of keeping him tf away from you.

Take note of whether these 'I should help' feelings are in part, just left over from his manipulations where he made you feel like if you didn't jump every time he said jump, you were not loyal/good/worthwhile.

Have loyalty to yourself. Have kindness and empathy for yourself.

It's not selfish to protect yourself. Don't let whatever left of his nasty little voice in your head tell you you owe him a shred more of anything.

Fuck.him.

Thank you @Pinkbonbon , I had not thought it might be that.
Thank you all so lovely people for helping me get clarity ❤️

Great post as usual from @Pinkbonbon

OP, you got rid of this loser finally. Well done.

You owe him NOTHING.
NEVER allow him access to your home, life, head space again.

He doesn't want you back, he wants a free place to live! Just remember that's what he thinks of you.

You were never responsible for him. I’m wondering if there was an adult in your childhood who parentified you, made you their little counsellor or cheerleader?