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Original poster

First dating after separation

8 replies

Iveforgottenwhatitwas · 10/08/2024 09:05

I'll try and keep this brief. My marriage was dead 5 years before I called time last spring.
Had a few dates to dip my tie in since then along came the most fantastic bloke in a very similar position and we connected straight away. Messages every day, weekend dates, few days away then no further - his situation got really hard and he needed to concentrate on his family.
So why does this hurt so much?
It's like he's given me a glimpse of everything that something should be , everything that was missing in my marriage.
I know the past year has been so hard due to ex behaviour and that's broken me a bit but I thought I was stronger yet I find myself crying a lot over this guy. I can't stop thinking about him and what's he doing and trying not to drop a message, cos that wont help.
I'm convinced I won't ever find it again. That he was my chance. I'm 55 btw
I have great friends, I'm busy but I suddenly feel so flat and without hope. Im having few sessions of talking therapy to try and get my head straight.
I guess the first chap back always had potential to hurt.
But I need to get past this. Anyone had similar that has words of wisdom ?

OP posts:
Milybar · 10/08/2024 09:16

“I guess the first chap back always had the potential to hurt”

You have hit the nail on the head with that comment.

The first relationship, however fleeting, can be a very intense one after years of lethargy both in the relationship and the bedroom! It whips up emotions and feelings that you thought were long gone and makes you feel alive, desired, wanted! It is a very heady feeling indeed and that’s why when it is taken away, it hurts so much.

Given time, the feelings will lessen and you will move on but for now just run with the feelings and also perhaps spend time coming to terms with the new you. Try things alone and challenge yourself to new adventures.

Big hugs though as I’ve been there and know the feelings.

LondonFox · 10/08/2024 09:19

I don't see why you cannot message him?

He did not tell you he is breaking up.
I'd text something along the line: "hope all is good with you and your family. Let me know if you want to grab a drink and chat :)"

Even if you clinged to him too much this sounds casual and you already gave him some space.

Original poster
Iveforgottenwhatitwas · 10/08/2024 09:19

Oh thank you.
It's exactly that isnt it.
Made worse by the fact my marriage was sexless in the last 7 years, this man has opened my eyes. And I know we werent probably long term matched, but for a while he was everything, and I miss him, I really miss him.
Thank you for taking the time to reply

OP posts:
Original poster
Iveforgottenwhatitwas · 10/08/2024 09:23

Yeah he's shut the door, not doing well emotionally and hasn't got emotional capacity, time or space.
I have messaged a few times but results in the same thing - it was great but he's gotta get his family through and can't think about being a good partner to anyone now.
If I remind him occasionally I'm still here, he might cone back. But how sad is that ? And after what I've been through in my marriage I'm clear in what I want , I need 100% in and to feel wanted

OP posts:
SamW98 · 10/08/2024 09:26

I think most of us who have come out of a LTR have had an intense rebound relationship that hurt like hell when it ended. I remember sitting in a traffic jam crying in my car looking like a loon because a song came on the radio that we’d danced to. I cringe at the thought now.

I certainly did. The only benefit of my experience I can give you is now several years later I see it fit exactly what it was and know I wouldn’t have touched him with a 12 foot pole had he not been the first man other than my husband I’d been near in 25 years.
I still see him out and about now and again and honestly I don’t feel a thing. It does pass.

Milybar · 10/08/2024 09:27

Iveforgottenwhatitwas · 10/08/2024 09:23

Yeah he's shut the door, not doing well emotionally and hasn't got emotional capacity, time or space.
I have messaged a few times but results in the same thing - it was great but he's gotta get his family through and can't think about being a good partner to anyone now.
If I remind him occasionally I'm still here, he might cone back. But how sad is that ? And after what I've been through in my marriage I'm clear in what I want , I need 100% in and to feel wanted

Yes I agree. Dont do that. He has made it clear in those replies. You probably don’t miss the person as much as you think but you do miss how it made you feel. Dating is a lottery I’m afraid. After 7 years of no sex, someone telling you you are beautiful and wanting to rip your clothes off every time they see you is a very intoxicating feeling.

LondonFox · 10/08/2024 09:36

Ok did not know you already texted yiu and he said he is unavailable.
Let him be.
Men don't make excuses if they want to be with you.

You are only 55 in era of digital dating.
Nothing mends broken heart like a good dick ;)

aCatCalledFawkes · 10/08/2024 10:56

SamW98 · 10/08/2024 09:26

I think most of us who have come out of a LTR have had an intense rebound relationship that hurt like hell when it ended. I remember sitting in a traffic jam crying in my car looking like a loon because a song came on the radio that we’d danced to. I cringe at the thought now.

I certainly did. The only benefit of my experience I can give you is now several years later I see it fit exactly what it was and know I wouldn’t have touched him with a 12 foot pole had he not been the first man other than my husband I’d been near in 25 years.
I still see him out and about now and again and honestly I don’t feel a thing. It does pass.

This definitely happened to me. Just out of an abusive relationship and I met the loveliest man ever or so I thought. We went on dates, he stayed over and we had such a great time.

Then one day he ghosted me. I found out later he had found someone else, and sadly for him, the new woman was a friend of a friend and posted about their relationship all over facebook so I was able to get to the bottom of it very quickly. It really hurt so much and knocked my confidence but over time that healed and I can now see my life was meant for better things and is so far from where it was then.

One day I was walking to tesco from work and he walked right past me, he didn't even recognise me and I just thought "I'm not going to even waste my breath on him".

I know to you this person is Mr Perfect but you don't need all the drama he comes with, steering clear of men who have messy personal lives is something I have come to appreciate as I just want a peaceful life.

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