Am I paranoid?

[Needingapickup]

Bit of background
With partner for 3 years
He has been separated from his ex-wife for about 9 years.
Is in the process of divorcing since 2021 - basically the time we have been together. Decree Nisi still not granted, mainly as a result of incorrect paperwork, his ex-wife ignoring the paperwork, her missing mediation appointments (at his expense), and him just not really prioritising it.

So I find out a few days ago that the Decree Nisi (which he said was granted a few months ago - as told by the ex-wife) was refused due to incorrect paperwork. I have never really seen him message the ex-wife previously and rarely to my knowledge if ever talks to her.

So he called the Court to find out what paperwork was required. He has since sent a few messages to his ex-wife ending with a "kiss" and one wishing her Happy Birthday. And in one of the messages she says she will be calling the Court and he replies "be good if you can" and she replies "as always (emoji with tounge sticking out)

Personally I just find this odd as a few weeks ago he was calling her a "cXXX" for missing the mediation and just prolonging the divorce (3 years now for a Decree Nisi let alone sorting the finances).

I'm not going to lie. The messages pissed me off. I question why the sudden change of tone...and his response was that he cares for her as she is the mother of his children (fair enough but she left him seven years ago for a young family member by having an affair and his children are mid 20s so he has no real need to contact her regularly). He says I should not be reading his messages - I don't -it was just his phone Whatsapp was left on and I saw a message ending in a kiss from her which I found strange given the circumstances.

Am I paranoid that he may have unresolved feelings for her after all this time? How would you feel in such a situation?

I am naturally jealous and insecure due to past abusive relationships and have trust issues as a result. I just feel like my feelings are secondary and I will never take importance like she did. I am never a priority due to his work and children who still live with him. He was with her 20 years and married the last 2 for context.

It's such a trivial thing a kiss at the end of a message, but I just find it all very weird to be honest as she is pissing around and delaying the divorce for whatever reason.

Thoughts please.

She is and always will be a huge part of his life. 20 years together, the mother of his children, there’s always going to be something there albeit not “love”. I can imagine it’s difficult to ever fully be over that kind of shared life & love, especially if she was the one who ended it.

It’s difficult when you have trust issues from previous relationships but it isn’t fair to project that onto him, especially if he’s never given you reason to doubt him. This may not be the relationship for you OP because she will always be in his life, their children’s graduations, their engagements, their first house warmings, their weddings, the birth of their children, family christmas’ with grandbabies. This isn’t an ex who will ever be fully out of his life, you need to think about if you can cope with that.

20 years is a long time, and they have a family together. He may feel like she's a c**t at times, but that doesn't negate the fact that they share a long history and were presumably happy for at least part of it. That said, if they wanted to be together, they'd be together. There's nothing stopping them as they're both adults, so I think it's safe to assume that they aren't madly in love.

My ex husband continued to put kisses on his emails to me long after he started seeing his new girlfriend and I really never thought anything of it, it's just what he did. It sounds like the divorce process has been dragged out for so long now that it has lost any real sense of urgency for either of them (and presumably covid slowed things down a bit, it certainly didn't help with getting my own divorce sorted a couple of years ago). My stepdad didn't bother divorcing his ex wife until 17 years after they split up, and he'd been with my mum for five years by then. It was just viewed as a bit of a hassle by everyone involved, including my mum!

I wouldn't read too much into any of this tbh, but you know your partner and yourself better than anyone here does. You've mentioned insecurities as a result of past relationship troubles, have you had therapy to address this?