Our lives have turned to shit

[Dreamiesarecatcrack]

We've had a run of horrible things happen in the past few months, wider family stuff, illness, financial problems etc. It's been hard but we've just kept plodding on believing things will get better and our luck would change, we've been through tough times before and we always come out the other side. I honestly thought things couldn't get any worse and then yesterday we found out DH has lost his job.

It's complicated but he's a self employed subcontractor and the guy he's been working with/for has completely stabbed him in the back so we've had no notice, he's finished today with just this week's money owing and that's it, no idea where the next lot of money is coming from. I haven't worked for a while due to caring responsibilities (difficult situation with an adult family member) and a MH condition of my own and we haven't been claiming any benefits as DH was earning well enough to (just about) manage so any claim we make now will be from scratch and I have no idea what we'll do til that comes through.

I just feel like I can't take anymore, due to the wider family stuff I mentioned our support system has all but disappeared and I have no one to talk to or lean on. I'm trying so hard to put a brave face on and keep things positive for DH and (young adult but not yet independent) DC but I don't know how long I can keep it up, I just want to cry and I never cry!

We're being proactive already, DH has some meetings lined up for next week and I've applied for every job I could physically do today. I've done a benefits calculator and sorted paperwork ready to make a claim if DH can't pick something up straight away and listed a load of stuff to sell for immediate cash, I'm sure we will be ok but it's bloody terrifying while we don't know how things are going to work out. I'm autistic and change is incredibly hard for me, I'm also scared shitless about going back to work pathetic as that sounds, no idea how I'm going to fit in caring for my relative and I've lost all my confidence so the whole thing is making me want to run away and hide. Don't even know what I'm asking for here, some support and a bit of a handhold/pep talk I suppose? Sorry it's long.

I don't have useful advice but wanted to send some positive thoughts. It's sounds like you have a good initial plan out together. Hope DH gets a role straight away

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through—it sounds like you’ve had more than your fair share of tough times lately. It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed right now, especially with all the uncertainty about what comes next.

You’ve already done so much to keep things moving, even when it feels like everything is falling apart, which is a huge credit to your strength and resilience. It’s clear you’re trying to take control of the situation by looking for work, preparing to claim benefits, and finding ways to bring in immediate cash. These are all proactive and practical steps, and they show just how capable you are, even when the pressure is immense.

It’s okay to be scared, and it doesn’t sound pathetic at all. Anyone in your position would feel the same. Change is hard for most people, and it’s even more challenging when you’re dealing with your own health, caring responsibilities, and all the upheaval in your life. It’s important to be kind to yourself during this time—don’t feel like you have to have it all together every minute of the day. It’s okay to have moments when you need to step back, take a breath, and just let yourself feel what you’re feeling.

You’ve mentioned that you’ve always come out the other side before, and I truly believe you will this time too. You’re clearly resourceful and determined, and while it might feel like you’re just holding it together, you’re doing an incredible job under the circumstances. If there’s any way to carve out even a little time for yourself, whether that’s a quiet cup of tea or a short walk, it might help to clear your head and recharge a bit.

Also, don’t hesitate to reach out for any help that’s available, whether that’s financial advice, mental health support, or even just someone to talk to. You don’t have to carry all of this alone, and sometimes just talking things through can lift a bit of the weight off your shoulders.

Sending you lots of strength and positive thoughts. You’ve got this, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. One step at a time, and don’t forget to be as kind to yourself as you would be to anyone else in your situation.

This is such a perfect post

OP, I hope you take heart from this

What trade is he in in what area ? Facebook is quite good for finding work as a sub contractor if not he might have to sign up for an agency will take a hit on pay but least it might tide him over and get his foot in the door for another contractor to take him on directly.

Aw thats rubbish and we have been there. Call recruitment agencies, can often get short or long term construction work via there and indeed. My husband previously contacted all the local construction companies in our area, bid for jobs on my builder and check a trade, posts on the next door neighbour app often looking for tradesmen, put a post on social media asking if anyones looking for whatever kind of trade man he is. Hopefully hel be able to pick something up quickly.

Thanks so much for all your lovely replies, had a little cry over softsummerrain's
post and suspect I'll be re-reading it often in the coming days/weeks to keep me going It's helped loads just getting it all off my chest, I don't want DH to know how scared I am so I've been holding it all in.

He's worked so bloody hard for this guy and they've been sort of partners for the best part of ten years so it's really upset him, I feel like he really needs me to be the strong one for a change and I don't want to let him down. He's not actually in construction but yes, he could pick up agency work in a variation of his trade, I actually started rough drafting a cv for him this afternoon and he's going to sign up in between his meetings next week, great minds think alike!

I do feel like we're doing everything we can, and hopefully that means it will be ok in the end. Just had such a lot of disappointment and betrayal and plain bad luck recently that I'm finding it hard to trust the process

Oh I'm sorry - we had a period like this. We were selling our flat that we desperately needed to move out of because the kids were getting older, and it fell through so we lost the house we were going to buy but still had to pay ££££ for the stuff so far, husband lost his job shortly after writing off the car and it took him ages to find another role.

There's nothing to do but keep moving forward which it sounds like you are doing.

And an odd thing that helped a lot at the time - I was reading a self-help type book and it wasn't very good but it had one message that actually really changed my thinking. Which was: 'Life isn't fair'.

That sounds really negative but actually it gave me more peace of mind than thinking 'This is so unfair, why won't one thing go right? Just one thing!' which was just constantly playing in my head. To the point that when DH looked like he'd finally got a job but then he had to turn it down because there was a very dodgy clause in the contract that they refused to change, I was actually able to accept it and not feel even more down (he did find something else a month or so later)

It's shit, BUT from your posts OP you and DH are taking action - you might be down but you're not out. Good luck for the future.

good advice.

Sorry you are going through such a hard time. Step by Step, you will get through this

You sound like a great team. I hope DH finds something soon, but even so, it might help your mental health (and financials) for you to find something too.

Agreed *ReturnfromtheStars *I have been (somewhat halfheartedly) looking for a while, I know it's what I need.

Some great advice above Op, hopefully things will even out for you again soon.

In terms of benefits, do a claim now, you can do UC all online, and if your husband the gets a well paying job you can just cancel the claim. It can take way too long for anything to come through so do it asap

If you are caring for a relative why aren't you claiming carers allowance ?

If it is a person over state pension age, they can claim attendance and you can claim carers allowance

You can claim something similar if the person is under state pension age too

Just wanted to update this thread, sorry it's been a while! I'm pleased to report that things are somewhat better, we're still working through some of the aftermath (debt mainly) and the last 18 months or so have not been easy but I would say things are now finally on the up.

I'm working 35 hours a week in two separate jobs and, although it was really hard to begin with, I was right in thinking it was exactly what I needed. Both jobs are cleaning (which it turns out I love, who knew?!) and really physical, I've lost 3 stone since I started and feel so much better for it. I also love being out and about and part of the world again, I had become something of a recluse and lost all my confidence, which has now returned in spades.

DH has retrained and officially started his new career last Monday (although has been working all along in a stopgap job), so far he absolutely loves it and is happier than he's been in a long time, which is wonderful to see. Between us we are digging ourselves out of the financial mess we got into and there is now light at the end of the tunnel.

Things with my relative have massively improved, I had a bit of a breakdown not long after starting this thread and was unable to do as much for a while, which had the unexpected effect of prompting my relative to make some really positive changes to help themselves and also brought some other family members out of the woodwork who now also provide consistent help. It all runs beautifully now and my involvement is perfectly manageable and much more pleasure than chore these days.

Overall I would say I'm cautiously happy, my MH is better than it's been in years and I have a lot more faith in my own abilities than I've ever had before. I do feel a bit sort of battered by life but I expect it will take time (and nothing else catastrophic to happen for a little while at least!) to recover from everything that's happened in the last couple of years, it's been a lot. I am starting to think about the future though and am considering retraining (although no idea what as, any ideas would be very welcome!) as I worry my current job will get harder as I age, I'm early 50's now with all the usual aches and pains already. I feel optimistic though, that saying 'when you're going through hell, keep going!' is 100% right and you do come out the other side, eventually

Thanks for the update, OP. You and DH have been through the mill and it’s good to hear your efforts are finally paying off and things are coming good now.

Retraining is a good idea, as manual work like cleaning will get harder as you age. You’re probably already thinking of things you like doing that could earn you a living. Careers advice is available at all ages; this site may be helpful:
https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/managing-your-career-later-in-life

Best of luck, OP xx

What a lovely update.

What a lovely positive update. Well done to you both and I wish you all the best for the future.

I’m so glad things have improved for you and your family. We’ll done for getting through the tough patch and good luck for the next stage!

Thank you for taking the time to post your update. You have both really turned things around, it’s uplifting to read.