Opinions on separated dad buying daughters clothes

[Sapphireroseisland]

I have a good coparenting relationship with my daughter’s father, but recently he has started to buy clothes for my daughter to wear when she is at his house. We have really different ideas about clothing, I’m not into short shorts and cropped tops etc, I want to raise her to be feminine but modest in her appearance- apologies to anyone that is offended, we all have different beliefs and ways of thinking about this stuff. My daughter is ten and feels the same, I don’t mind a dress that’s a bit short like between the knee and thigh, but I’m talking really short shorts right up to her butt. If my daughter wears a dress she likes to wear shorts underneath, she hates the short shorts but said she doesn’t want to offend her dad, and when they go shopping he says I’m old fashioned and buys her these bright neon colours and just clothes I and she would never choose. He’s also told her I have no taste, personally I wish he’d just back off the clothes shopping and let me pack her bag at the weekends he’s with her. He’s a great dad, just how do we sensitively tell him to leave the clothes to us?

Firstly are you 100% she isn’t also saying she likes your choice so as not to offend you?

can she not pack what she wants to wear herself? Otherwise realistically she will need to tell her dad what she wants to wear.

At ten she is old enough to have her own tastes. Just tell him clearly that she prefers to choose her own clothes so if he wants her to have clothes at his place, he needs to take her shopping and let her choose for herself.

Picking her clothes is controlling. She’s not a teen Barbie for him to dress up.

"but recently he has started to buy clothes for his daughter"

"My daughter is ten and because I make a big deal of it, she feels she has too tell me she feels the same"

Father buys clothes for his kid. You don't have to wear them, she does. If she's happy too, leave them to it. If you don't want her wearing what he's picked whilst she's at your house, you can control that to a certain degree, but she should be free to choose without pressure from either side.

Picking her clothes is controlling. She’s not a teen Barbie for either of them to dress up.

Are you sure she isn’t scared to tell you and her dad how she really feels? 10 is an age where she might want to dress more “grown up” sometimes and experiment with clothes until she finds her style.

Nothing can change until dd voices her opinion. Your ex probably thinks that you impose your taste and attitudes like being modest in the same way that you think he imposes the opposite on her

You can’t tell him which clothes to buy her for when she’s at his house. You can tell her that it’s ok to have a say when they’re shopping and to tell him she doesn’t like something if he buys it or insists she does. She needs to learn about boundaries and standing up for herself so this is a safe and harmless way for her to practice saying “no I don’t like that”. It’s a life skill so she really does need to start trying to assert herself here.

Agree don’t tell him, teach her gradually about appropriate dressing and encourage her to vocalise about what she wants to wear. Don’t make it into a big battle between you and him.

Yes all good points, thanks for the input and I’ll talk to him. I don’t think it’s controlling at all though to choose or veto a ten year olds clothing, taking into consideration what they like to wear. They are not an adult, and yes I do want to raise her to dress modest and feminine as opposed to showing off her whole body, when she’s an adult she may decide to dress differently and that’s up to her. No I don’t think she’s telling me what I want to hear about her preferences, it is not her and I that are arguing about clothing choices, it is her not wanting her dad to be offended that she would prefer me to continue shopping with her, and she doesn’t like his taste. I let her choose her clothes within reason- I have never told her she couldn’t buy something as she has never chosen anything that I would veto. Maybe that will change as she gets older.

so your taste is bad but hes the man wanting kid hid to go around in crop tops and short shorts? Yeah sorry but id rather have no taste than be creepy.

My daughter chooses and wears different types of clothes when she is with me and when she is with her dad. With me she will choose shorts, joggers, hoodies, vests more casual stuff, similar to things I wear (when not at work obviously!) and with her dad she wears what I would describe as more formal/conservative stuff I am surprised to see a girl her age in - M and S type clothes - they are clothes a little like his girlfriend wears, (tho I don't say that to my daughter as I think she would be offended!)

For whatever reason, she chooses stuff that she thinks we will both "approve" of when she is with us, even tho we both repeatedly tell her she is free to choose and wear what she wants....

So I assume that is what is happening here to be honest. And you can't influence what she wears in his time with her, so really you just have to deal with it. Not sure that it effects you very much anyway, to be honest, so perhaps stop thinking about it?

It is fine for girls (and boys) to wear shorts and vests in the summer. If anybody views that as sexual, the problem is very much with that person, and not with the child/the clothes. So please don't tell your daughter that her body is something to be ashamed of and that it's reasonable for adults to view it as sexual unless she covers it up!

Do you still help
Your daughter pack a bag when she goes there, she can still take clothes from your house?

He’s not creepy at all, he’s a really nice guy and caring dad. He just buys what he thinks is trendy, and we have totally different styles. I’m the m&s girl also by the way to whoever posted that, that’s my kind of style 🤣 no she specifically expressed she likes some of the clothes he chooses but some she doesn’t like at all and doesn’t want to offend him, she’s really particular about stuff which is her own personality, for example always wanting to wear shorts under skirts and dresses. Yes I do pack her bag and always have done but just recently he’s been saying “don’t worry about packing stuff as I have clothes for her”, he’s just trying to do his bit and I know that. Anyway I did have a chat about it with him earlier and he fully understood and said he’ll leave the clothes with me and if he gets her stuff he’ll let her choose from now on and be mindful about short shorts etc, so it’s all sorted. He was only trying to help and do his bit. She’s a little kid and they need direction in clothing choices and I’m never going to be ok with her going out baring loads of flesh. When she’s older, it’s up to her.

She does wear shorts and tops in the summer, modesty begins at a young age, and nobody mentioned sex- that was you (the lady who posted it). Teaching modesty isn’t teaching your child to be ashamed of their body, it’s just teaching them to be feminine and not show off every inch of skin to everyone. You do you with your kids, and I’ll do me with my kids….theres a difference between a pair of shorts that are between thigh and knee and a pair of shorts that skim the butt. It influences clothing choices as they get older, and I personally don’t like seeing people walking around with everything hanging out, but that’s up to them.