Partner of 10 years left family home

[Coll24]

My partner of 10 years, father of our two children left after telling me he's unhappy in our relationship. He's currently stay with his family members, he's expecting to come back to our family home everyday morning and evening to keep things as normal as possible for our children. Am I being unreasonable to say no and to set boundaries to protect myself ? This was totally out of the blue and it's left me at rock bottom. I'm thinking of saying he can come round 3 nights a week for a couple of hours and some time on the weekend? He maintains that he's not left the kids just me 🤯

This is a really difficult situation. I think him coming round morning and night will mess with your head, and the kids tbh. They don’t need to see the pretence of normal when it’s not, they just need happy and healthy parents. Could you suggest he takes them out instead, or takes them to his parents? It’s only just happened , and you need time and space to heal. Sending hugs

He’s not happy with or about what exactly?
No, he can’t just dump you and then dictate that he’ll be turning up to your home every morning and evening to fake it to the kids. Plus, children aren’t stupid. How long does he think he’s going to do that for!?

Yes. Set some boundaries.

I’m sorry, but it sounds like a third party is involved. He owes you much more of an explanation than ‘I’m not happy’.

Whose house is it?

How old are your children OP?
He doesn't get to walk out and then call all the shots, and the sooner you manage to make this clear to him the better.
You matter too. Work out what feels better for you and present it to him as what's happening.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. But you will be OK. Have you told anyone IRL yet?
Hugs.

No not ok he is messing with everyone heads with that mad proposal. Say what suits you he doesn't get to call al the shots 2 nights for 2 hours when perhaps you can go out/gym/friends etc child free & don't tell him where your going just when you will return. He's got a bloody cheek

@Coll24 he has left the family home and he doesnt get to swan in and out whenever he wants now!! he is out and if he wants to see the kids then he can meet them at the gate!! no need to come in!

Right now, do what you think is best for your children. If that means he meets them outside of the house then so be it.

Thankyou everyone, just wanted to check I wasn't being out of line. Our children are 3 and 5, I'd rather him visit them in the house for now. They aren't really used to his family and I'm not 100% convinced it's an entirely safe environment for them. We both have always paid 50/50 regarding bills and mortgages.

If he's on the deeds you can't kick him out.

If the house is in joint names you have no legal right to tell him when he can/cannot visit.
You should try mediation. Your children are still very young.
Can you afford to pay the mortgage on your own?

Put it on the market through an estate agent. You need your own place that you can control. Best to rip off the band aid if he has left and not coming back. Having him using your current home as a contact centre might suit him, but if it doesn't suit you, don't allow it. 50/50 means him having the kids somewhere else 50% of the time.

He's walked out. She just wants some boundaries. It's not reasonable of him to walk out and then think he can come and go as he pleases.

He can though. Its his house as much as it is OPs, obviously that's not ideal for the kids to have the man in and out of the house, but he isn't arsed about their stability anyway.

As PPs have said, if the house is in joint names you can't really refuse him access.

My ExH did this arrangement after he left for the OW. I have to say it really had a huge negative impact on my mental health.

It also wasn't great for my eldest two kids (who were 2 and 6 at the time).

It's shitty, but you are allowed to be unhappy
in a relationship, even where kids are involved.
Many women are unhappy in their marriages,
or so they complain.

He maintains that he's not left the kids just me

that old chestnut to make himself feel slightly less guilty! When you tell people you can say "he walked out on us" as this is the truth. They always maintain that they're not leaving the kids as they'd appear selfish otherwise. Of course it will disrupt their lives.

Can you arrange to be out when he calls round and have someone else there (your DM, DSis, DB or DF) instead? I'd avoid him as much as possible as it will mess with your head.

I agree with the above poster. Can you go out when he comes? To a friends house or even to a coffee shop?
He has left so no, he doesn’t get to waltz in and out relieving his conscience.

100% this.

No one is saying no one can’t be unhappy in a relationship.

The issue here is not about an unhappy woman in her relationship/marriage, it is about a partner and Father of two very young children who has walked out on his family without much of an explanation or discussion. This thread is about a selfish man and Father who has dictated that he will waltz in and out without much thought for OP’s mental health and her need for space to digest his announcement. His plan is not healthy for the kids either. There needs to be two-way discussion about how to move forward in the best way possible for the benefit of the children.