Divorce Qs - mortgage affordability and child custody

[Tiredofallthis101]

Hi everyone,

My lovely Dfriend and her (not so lovely) soon to be exDH are divorcing. ExH has threatened to leave her penniless. Her job involves lots of travel for work and shifts that make formal childcare options impractical and she doesn't have family support. He's insisting she needs to be the resident parent but she is worried about agreeing to that as if he doesn't keep to maintenance and parenting arrangements (he won't) then she will end up losing her job. What happens legally if neither parent agrees to be the resident parent?

She is also worried about how she will get a new mortgage given children's nursery fees, will the bank treat the fees as 100% for her to pay for affordability purposes, or 50%, or...? The cost of the fees plus critical bills is currently more than her wage.

Any advice welcome.

'What happens legally if neither parent agrees to be the resident parent?'

Grim.

A solicitor can advise her. Don't get involved.

Ultimately, neither parent can be forced to take on any more care / contact than they’re willing to. But unless they’re proposing relinquishing the children into LA care because neither of them want to parent, somebody is going to have to pick up the slack if the other won’t.

The non-resident parent will pay maintenance according to their income and how much contact they have. Sone parents negotiate splitting nursery costs according to the days they have the DC. Depending on her income, your friend may be entitled to government help with childcare costs. If she’s the resident parent and has the greater responsibility for housing the DC, she may be able to argue for a larger share of the equity in their current home, in order to house the DC. Her solicitor will be able to advise, based on financial info. It’s a harsh reality, but divorce usually means both parties having to accept a different standard of living when single than when married. Your friend may need to consider a change in career, at least whilst the DC are smaller, so that she’s able to care for them.

She needs a new job.

Her STBXH won't be able to leave her penniless. Half their assets are hers, including those in his name. If she thinks there's a risk he will deliberately hide or fritter away funds in order to deprive her she can apply for an emergency order to have the assets frozen.

She needs to put her child's best interests first. If she can't do that she's not a fit parent at all and social services should get involved. That probably requires her to get a job without the travel etc which is clearly incompatible with being a single parent without an extensive support network.

If she would for a moment allow her child to get an inkling that neither parent wants her, then your STBX friend is a horrible person and you should have nothing more to do with her.

Why would anyone ever allow a situation where the child didn’t have a resident parent?
She needs to look in to what benefits she can claim and what she would need to borrow, she needs a solicitor too.

Thanks for the advice all - to be clear friend isn't wanting to avoid being the resident parent as such, she would have her DC 100% of the time if she could. She is worried about being listed as the resident parent because that then makes her the 'default parent' who has to pay all the kids' bills if XH claims poverty. She's worried it will undermine her ability to earn a living/progress her career (and thus improve DC and her lives) if XH won't pay maintenance or hold up his end of contact arrangements. She is wondering if there's any way of avoiding that situation. By the sounds of it, there's not.

STBXH runs his own business and alleges he has ways and means of leaving her with no maintenance and therefore no ability to earn any money as she can't afford to pay the childcare bills without another source of income (ie more than just her wage). Presumably when DC are older this won't be such an issue but for now she's terrified. Which is, of course, what he wants.

It's not fair but she needs a new job. Many of us have been there and honestly not relying on ex for anything is the easiest way with anything you get - time /money being looked upon as an extra